#156 Transmissions Between Us: Therapists, Friends, Lovers

We are constantly transmitting information, so why not transmit what we really need to say? Transmit our needs, desires, wishes, and then show up for ourselves in that way, with the people who CAN and WANT to join us in doing that. How do we help therapists help us, while we help ourselves? How do we seek deeper intimacy in relationship AND honor that not everyone wants what we want? How do we exchange transmissions, exchange ideas and beliefs and hopes and dreams, such that our lives become food for our souls? I don’t know. But I’m hoping to try. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Lucidas Podcast where I explore everything because I believe everything is connected to everything else. I also believe in the infinite unbounded potential within each of us. And part of discovering that potential is looking to see where we're blocked or stuck or inhibiting or prohibiting ourselves from growing, expanding, or even becoming less than and smaller. And I say that because sometimes the way to growth is by shedding, um, releasing. So today I want to talk about um something I'm in the process of right now, and that is helping my therapist help me. So I recently, last few months, have changed therapists. My last one, who was just fabulous and marvelous and like the perfect fit for me. Um she retired. So sadly, um I'm now finding another one, which I'm sure it's all for the best. Uh, but of course it would be nice if I just had the perfect one. So this new therapist, um, they seem very talented, uh, very competent, uh, really get it, but there's uh we have a a mismatch in that he can be very um at times very intellectualizing, um, and that is that is my escape. So the way I escape issues is by intellectualizing them and not embodying them. So I noticed after the first few sessions that that that's where it was headed, and so I, you know, talked to him about it. I wrote and journaled about it, and then read the journal, and basically in the journaling said, and then we talked about it after. It was very clear. I need to be the most important thing for me is to be embodied, to be aware of my body, to be aware of what I'm feeling, to be aware of like physical sensations. So I'm actually embodied and present in my body in the moment. Otherwise, it becomes an intellectual affair and nothing actually changes. It's very stimulating, very interesting, but uh nothing changes. Um a few weeks have gone by since that and uh a few sessions. Um and our last session again was very intellectualized, and I left feeling I didn't notice it in the time, I noticed it after I left, and then I was sitting there and I was like, I never I one time remembered to check in with my body. Um, but other than that, other than that, like one moment, the whole hour was spent uh kind of checked out in the intellectual realm. And I was frustrated because I was I want him to to remind me to do that. That's what I've asked for. And he understood that it was clear, he was like, okay, I'll do that. And he did do it the next session right after I asked, but it hasn't happened since then. And I didn't really notice until the last session where I was like, man, he didn't remind me, and I didn't remind me, nobody's reminding me to not intellectualize, but actually to stay embodied, to stay present, um, to, you know, because that is where that is where my wisdom happens, it's where my healing happens, it's where it's where everything happens for me. So in the, you know, in in the last week before my next session, which is actually today after work, um, I have been thinking about what to do. Um I could state it again, uh, which I I probably will do, but I'm also at the same time asking, because it's something that's important, I need, and I would like him to do that. And I think part of the conversation is also, do you does does this therapist want to work with me in this way? Like they may be like, yeah, I could do that, but it doesn't interest me. I'm not really or it may be like, I'm actually terrible at that. I'm not a good fit. Or so I think it's more than just this is what I need. So this is what I need is the first part of the this is this is what's really benefit, what I have found to be very beneficial. Not the only way. Um he did something called brain spotting a couple of sessions ago, which was very helpful. Never done it, I've never heard of it. Um so I'm not it's not that it has to be done a certain way. I'm I'm open to things, but it does need to be a very embodied, uh, non-intellectualized um kind of therapy style, whatever it is. So um, but I think part of that also is asking asking the therapist and giving them space to say, yes, I'm I'm actually good at this. I can do this for you. I forgot, I want, I want to do this for you. Um, or or you know, this actually doesn't interest me, totally fine. This type of therapy doesn't interest me, or um I'm actually not very good at that. That's not my forte, so yes, I could do it for you, but I I might not be the best fit. Um, so taking the conversation even deeper. And and I'm I'm also interested in learning to do it for myself as well, not just asking my therapist to do that, but for me to say to myself, like, okay, we're walking in this room, you know, to have a session. How much can I rely on myself to remain present and embodied and aware? And that's a big ask, right? Because stuff comes up in in therapy, and the first thing I want to do is, you know, check out of my body, you know, kind of check out uh and just go to the head. So it's asking a lot of me. Um, and and it seems as though it's asking a good bit of my therapist because they don't, they don't, they have not done it just kind of naturally, organically, even when I've asked. So what I'm interested in exploring today in the session is how how do how do two people come together, two strangers, and create a space that that works for uh you know it's interesting. I mean, I could say for the healing of of the client, but having done energy healing, I was did energy healing for my clients for about a decade. There were times where it was watching them do their healing work was healing for me, like just literally witnessing it. So to say that the therapist is not somehow involved in the process and and and involved in their own process, in your process, you uh is sort of refutes the idea that we're two human beings in the same room, right? So I'm basically asking a person to show up in a way that works for me, but that it also works for them because they are just even in the witnessing of it, they are changed. Um there, as we all know, and so I'm interested in how do I help my therapist understand what I need and understand if the two of us can actually create that together, and also how can I step into a more and there were times where that was it, that's as far as I could go. That the most I could do in my therapy was just inform my therapist that this is what I need. And I was completely incapable of doing anything beyond that. I have um I have more capacity now, so not only can I tell my therapist what I need, which I've done, but which hasn't happened, I can now move into the next step is let's talk about maybe why it didn't happen and and is this a good fit for you as a therapist? Um and if it is, uh you know, then then how how do we create that so it so it's actually happening? So what I've asked for is actually happening. And and how can both of us uh help create that? There have 100% been times when I could not take part in really holding the space. I mean it it was all I could do just to show up and reveal, you know, just the torrent of emotions and just everything that was coming through. Um more and more I'm able to hold more of my personal space uh in therapy, and I want to do that, but I I want to do it with someone who can who can and wants to support me in the way that works. And also I am open to them bringing in um modalities that are resonant with that, meaning I don't I don't want a textbook, right? That's not gonna that those don't work for me. I've read too many and my mind is plenty strong. Um I don't need to know anymore. Uh there was a time when reading books was very beneficial. That is not the time for me right now. Uh embodiment is 100%. So what I what I want to offer today is very, very short, sweet, and simple, but I think it can be incredibly profound, and that is discussing with a therapist what actually what we know works for us at this time, and and asking them, can you can you do this for me? Is this something you can and want to do? And when I was writing in my journal about this, um one of the things I wrote was listen as if I have eyes all over my body. And that's in caps. Listen as if I have eyes all over my body, basically meaning listen with my body, not with my ears. You know, listen to listen to myself, listen to the space, you know, listen to the the therapist, both words, but also just the energy of it. Um he also has a dog. Like there's plenty of times where the dog is interaction interacting with the um with whatever's going on. Um you know, so it's like listen as if I have eyes all over my body. Well, if I have eyes all over my body, it's more than just sound. I'm listening to more than just sound. So that's basically what I'm saying there. Um, don't intellectualize. It's the next thing I wrote, all in caps. I wrote all of these in caps. Um, and then the next thing I wrote was a phrase, and I thought it was so beautiful because I've never really thought of I've never really thought of myself that way, but it says, stay in the body, be the body, the guide, and the guardian. And I I've I have many times felt of my body as a guide, but I've never really thought of it as a guardian. And I I realize it is true for me that my body is both guide and guardian, meaning it it lets me, it guides me to where I need to go, um, but it also guards things from not only being harmed, but it's also a guide, um, I'm sorry, it's also guards things that I'm not prepared to deal with. And I feel like um that whatever I need to move into next in my therapy, that my body right now is guarding me from it because the space has not been created where it can allow me access to that and know that it will be done safely. And so, as much as I would like to quote, move forward in my therapy, and I can also tell my I feel like my therapist is also wanting to go like, okay, well, let's let's do something, so to speak. Um, my body is saying no. It's 100% no. Um, what is needed has not been, has not been cultivated and created in such a way that we're going to give you access to that, that what we're guarding is for your benefit. We're guarding it for your benefit until this has been done. And what is interesting is what I'm asking for my therapist is I is I believe like foundational and fundamental to what we do in our relationships with each other. We basically relationships are we create a space, a space between two people. And we create a space that it's different with every two people, right? You don't have the same relationship with any person, the same relationship with any two people. So what I'm practicing, as much as I would like to get like into therapy, what I'm actually doing with my therapist not only helps therapy, but helps me outside of that, where I remember the most important thing about the relationship is the space we've created and what it can hold and what it can do. If I haven't created a space with a certain person, I'm not going to bring you know certain um certain parts of myself. It was interesting, someone asked me last night. I was at a rehearsal and someone asked me, um, I guess I had mentioned in passing at some point to someone that I was dealing with some litigation, but it had finally come to an end. I couldn't even remember mentioning that to them. And that's all I said. Um, and they said, Oh, you know, a few months ago you mentioned something about a litigation that had come to an end, and they had asked someone else that knows me well, and they said, I asked them what it was about, and they would not tell me. They said I should ask you, so I'm asking you. And immediately my body was like, No, we are not telling this person, which is funny because I speak quite openly about my rape. Um, but it was like my brother was like, no, we are not telling this person about the litigation. And I just said, I just said, no, you know, it was something, something that should never happen, happened, and it's over. So and I'm done with it. And I said, that's all I want to say. And he said, Oh, okay. Um, so it's that thing where that space is not the space for me to bring. So again, that's the guardian part where you know, stay in the body, be the b body, the guide, and the guardian. You know, my the embod me being embodied in that moment was was be me being the guardian of certain parts of myself in certain relationships. And right now my body is, you know, it when I left my last therapy session, it was like we couldn't, it was checking out because we couldn't go where we need to go in with this therapist yet. I don't know if, you know, it remains to be seen if we actually do create that or if I um look for someone else that maybe has more um of that natural skill set. It's not the the thing I'm willing to do, I'm willing to be more aware of my part. I am not willing to carry it all or to babysit another person. Meaning I don't want to show up every week and say, you're not asking me to check in with my body. That to me is not that's not a you know a shared space. Um and it therapy is it doesn't necessarily need to be shared, you know. Like I said, I've had plenty of plenty of times where I couldn't even consider holding part of my own thing. But it's just it and I do think it's a very sticky, tricky situation. Therapy is I remember that with energy healing, where I would the first thing I would say to every client is I cannot and I will not be healing you. Like you're gonna have to do the work. I can just be with you, witness you, you know, s sort of touch certain areas of your body, but the work is gonna happen with you. So and I I believe that's true with therapy, right? Like I'm the one that needs to do the work. But I but I know that therapist needs to be able to hold a certain space for each person to do what they need to do. And and it is different for every person. Um a therapist needs to be very malleable and flexible. So I'm just thinking. Oh, the the last thing that I really came across in my writing, and it came from comes from a teacher I love, Thomas Hubel, H-U-B-L is his last name. Um and he does a lot with uh trauma work, ancestral trauma, uh, just all kinds of stuff. And one of the things he always says is, it didn't begin with you. It doesn't matter what it is, does it didn't begin with you. Like all of us are dealing with traumas that are so old, none of them started with us. Um and just to remember that as you're working with it, and as you're working with other people, working, I shouldn't even say working, as you're engaging with anyone, like all of us are are dealing with traumas that are so old. So old. I have to say, I I had to pause for a second because I just saw a hammerhead shark, which I have always loved. Hammerhead sharks. Ever since I was a little girl, we could the only thing we didn't we didn't have really have a TV, but we we once in a while we could turn on this little black and white TV with the little rabbit ears, and we could get um a nature show on PBS. And the oh man, hammerhead sharks, they were just like even as a little girl. So as I'm talking on my computer, I have the Monterey Bay Aquarium live open sea cam just going on, and all of a sudden, this like stingray, I wasn't a stingray or manta ray went one way, and then a hammerhead shark. I swear it was a hammerhead shark went the other way, and I was like, what? Hammerhead shark? Anyway, so I I got sidetracked there. But isn't that lovely? Isn't that lovely to be able to be? Isn't it lovely when you can move with enough fluidity that life can touch you at the most unsuspecting moments, you know? That that a quick glimpse of a hammerhead shark can bring you joy. And I do believe that type of fluidity is is joy. Um that you can have a deep, meaningful, or you know, uh just grief-stricken moment, and then oh, but look at how much beauty there is outside the window. And then, you know, back to dealing with the the hard parts of life. So anyway, so this is for anyone in therapy or thinking about therapy on either side. Um, and it's also for anyone in relationships. You know, how do we how do we ask for and ex explain and express to someone else what we need in a relationship? Um, and and then listen to can they, will they, are they able to provide that. Um because that's not always gonna be the case. And I think it's important to be able to to recognize that it won't always work and that's okay. Um not we aren't all in the same place. I recently had that with a friend. We were over the last I would say a year and a half, we've been deepening our friendship, and I recently I didn't realize it till afterwards, um, but I recently reached out in a way that was just seeking sort of a deeper intimacy. And um she kind of put up a boundary like, oh, you know what, I'm I'm actually she suddenly got really busy um and very much, you know. I need to be able to do all these other things in my life and da da da da da. And I was like, I don't really understand what happened or what you're doing. And we even talked about it. And she was like, no, I'm I'm still here. And da da da. And I just was like, I don't know, something, something changed. Um, and and the interesting thing was when she withdrew a little bit from sort of this bid I made for more intimacy, then I withdrew, and we we've just, I think we found where our friendship lies, which isn't as intimate as I was hoping it might be. But it's it's it's special and it's uh it's sweet and it's beautiful, and it's where we are. It's where the two of us um it's where the two of us meet. And and that's important to know, right? We both now understand this is this is kind of our sweet spot. Um I can, you know, I'll look for you know deeper intimacy in other areas. And I don't she may have, well, you know, she she's married, so I think that's always a deeper level of intimacy, but not necessarily. Anyway, so therapists, friends, family, relationships in general, um, communicating. Where, you know, communicating what each of you needs, wants, desires, can give, is willing to give, is able to give. I think it's important to be as clear as we can so that we can find the place where where you know our our lives intersect. Because we all want very different things at very different times from different people. And it's interesting also when one person may want more intimacy than the other. Um I think in the past I would have felt rejected in a way, but I didn't. It was it was more of just like, oh, oh, okay, I understand. This is this is where we are. It's like, oh, okay. Um, which in a way freed me up to go, oh, well, I actually want, you know, to find more with someone, and so I'll I'll, you know, I love what we have, and um I'll seek that, you know, with other people in in other relationships who who do want that with me at this time. And that's the other thing is sometimes I've had incredibly deeply intimate relationships with people and then they fade. And you don't always know why. Um, but they just do. So this is just this is just there's so much more here than I'm saying, and I'm not not saying it. It's because I don't understand it all yet. So this is this is basically me. I feel like I'm knocking on a door. I feel like I'm knocking on a new door. And it's called relating, it's called deeper relating, um, where there's a deeper exchange of wants and needs and desires, as well as limitations, boundaries, um interest. You know, is there even any interest? So I feel like I'm just knocking on the door. I don't even feel like I've opened it. Maybe I'm still trying to get the key, like which key opens this door? Um, and there's so much to explore here. So this is the beginning. The beginning. And I do believe the beginning it begins with, oh, understanding myself, oh, this is what works for me in this type of relationship. Have I conveyed that? If I have, have I listened to see if the other person is in the same place? And if they are, then how can I also support what I need? Right? I'm not just saying this is what I need, you have to give it to me. I'm saying this is what works for me, this is what I need. Are you interested? Yeah, I'm interested. Okay. Well then how can I also support myself in the same ways that I need, right? So this isn't just like, well, you need to do this for me. It's like, okay, this is what I need, you're interested. Okay, how do I also support myself in the ways I need now that you've also expressed an interest in in showing up the ways in the ways you can, in the ways I need. And vice versa, you know, where they get to say, okay, well, this is what I need. Are you interested in, oh okay, yeah, I I'm interested in in holding that space and you know, doing what I can in those ways, as you also support yourself in the ways that you desire. Um so much exchange. Um that's the word that comes to me. There's just like this huge exchange of information, and and information is not what it's not, it's like a transmission, because information, it's not information, it's like there's this huge transmission happening between two people, not just in their words, but in in sound and in energy and between nervous systems and uh kinesthetic movement and the you know heart and emotion. I mean, there's just this these exchange of transmissions, these transmissions going back and forth and back and forth, and um it just feels like an incredibly powerful space that I don't know that many of us inhabit very often. And yet I would guess most of us, given the chance, most of us could probably do it well. If we knew that that it was almost like if we if our nervous systems knew it was being held, that we could probably do it well, and we would love it. It's like soul food. It was like a feast for our soul, these types of exchanges and transmissions. So beautiful. So good luck to you all out there. Good luck to me. Um I hope I can I hope I can do what I've said here. I mean, if I could do all that, I would talk about gold star 100%. Um if I do a good bit of it, gold star, 90%. You know, uh I'll be I'll be I'll still be pro I'll be proud of the effort because I know I know my my heart is clear, like the intention is so clear in this. And so the effort uh is not wasted no matter the outcome. So that's where we'll go. Alright, y'all have a beautiful day, and best of luck with all your transmissions.