#157 Sunday Morning Musings

A slow walkabout, studying trees and all their wisdom, wondering about what works, what doesn't, and the mysterious why --and when-- because some moments it doesn't and then suddenly it does. Letting go. Holding hope. Trusting myself, trusting my nervous system, as it is today. Just being who and what I am. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to the Lucidas Podcast where I explore everything because I believe everything is connected to everything else, and also because I believe in the infinite unbounded potential within each of us. Good morning. It's a lazy Sunday morning for me. It's a treat for me. I get up every morning at 6 a.m. and meditate. And the last few weeks I've decided to allow myself to sleep in on Sunday mornings and then meditate later. Today I actually have an all-day meditation. I'm going to with my Vipassana group. So as I've been lazily enjoying just being, I've had a lot of thoughts coming up. And I wanted to muse. I am not here. I honestly, if you're in a hurry and you're looking for something, probably not the podcast for you today. Um, I'm not gonna be concise or condensed. I I have some great new thoughts in my head and great new musings and wanderings. Um this is not an arrow. So take that for what it is. Also, I think I might, I know I tell you when I record these, I often just do audio that I upload. I might do video today because I took a bath last night and my hair is just like crazy, and I'm just like in this half slumber, and I think it's funny. So I might I might have to show off my hairdo. And my lazy Sunday morning look. Um, and it's like the most perfect day. It's blustery, it's maybe gonna rain. Um it's the perfect temperature. I have the windows and the doors cracked open. I wish you could hear the wind in the trees. I mean, you all know the sound, just the fun, blustery, is it gonna rain? Well, there's the sun. That's kind of how I feel about this whole day. So I want to share. I I don't, I'm not, I know I'm trying, I don't even want to get in podcast mode. I literally just want to say, I just want to say. So last night, as I was taking a bath, I had this epiphany, and it was so brilliant, and I was like, how have I never seen it? And it's about trees. So I'm looking out the window right now at this beautiful um apple tree, this huge old apple tree. And last night I was watching um this show called Who Do You Think You Are? And I've watched a few of them. It's on YouTube, it's the UK version. I've only I I really enjoy the UK version. We'll leave it at that at that. And I think possibly because it's closer to my roots, right? Like my roots are in the UK, or not the not in the UK specifically, but they're in Europe. You know, my roots are in Europe, and so um, I feel like the American version is a little less close to my ancestors. Um for whatever, whatever. So, and I also appreciate I appreciate Europe's take on things a little bit more than America. Um I love being American, I love living here, I'm not dissing that, so don't come after me about that. Not that I even have I don't allow comments for a reason. Um anyway. See, it's funny, this is what I'm noticing, and this is why I'm gonna have to put like a big caveat on the listen if you're bored. Seriously, like listen if you're bored. This is this is a good one if you can't sleep. You could put this podcast on that I'm doing right now, and you could like turn turn it down to like 0.75 speed or maybe even 0.5, and I could probably put you to sleep really fast. I feel myself getting into like podcast mode, and I don't want to today. I don't know that ever want to, but I still like automatically do it, and I don't want to today because what I want to talk about isn't it isn't it can't be rushed. It's okay, it's about search of I'm still trying to get to the tree, still just trying to get to a tree. There's no rushing tree, like it grows how it grows when it grows based on the environment and all the other factors. So as I'm watching this show, Who Do You Think You Are? It's just this rerun on YouTube from the UK. And what was what's been so I've watched a few episodes, and what's been so interesting for me in watching those is that oftentimes when someone travels back into their ancestry, I found that the story they resonate with is like with their great-grandfather's uncle. Or so it would be like their great brother, sorry, so it's like their great-grandfather's brother or sister, or like it isn't actually, you know, I have been very linear in my thinking of my ancestry. I look at the parents and the parents, and sometimes I'll be like, oh yeah, that parent of that parent had 10 siblings, but I sort of like overlook the 10 siblings. The reason that's so fascinating to me that I've overlooked it is when I look at my kids, my two oldest siblings, there are six of us, I feel like my first child is like my first sibling, and my second child is a lot like my second sibling, much more than they're like me. Like the way they look, the just just lots of things. And I've and I thought it from the very beginning. I was like, my gosh, I feel like I've had my daughter's child. And what's interesting is neither of them have children. So it was like I have my child, I have my siblings' children. And so, and and so why would I over and even my kids had said it have said at times, like, wow, like I am kind of like your siblings, more so than than you. Or at least there's a very strong affinity there considering they're not their children. So when we go back into our ancestry, it's we aren't often like, you know, we have, I have had this linear view of the branches from scuttle, it's sort of like the node. It's like I've just looked at the nodes, like parent to child, parent to child, parent to child, parent to child, and forgotten about the huge spread of the branches that happened through the siblings, through aunts and uncles, cousins, whatever. Um so as I'm watching the show last night, I'm watching this a woman, and her affinity was with like her great, I won't, I don't, it was but let's say it was her great-grandfather's sister. Or maybe it was her, oh, that was it. It was her great-grandfather's daughter who who ended up being killed in the Holocaust. So she never had children. Like that woman's lineage never went on because she was killed as a 21-year-old woman in in the Holocaust. But I thought, and I was up and watching, I'm like, this is so interesting because the present-day woman has this incredibly close affinity with her great-grandfather's daughter, who has really no progeny of her own, right? Her line ended. But you could see they looked alike, they, you know, she's just, and I was like, I've been thinking of ancestry in too narrow a way. And and all of a sudden, what I saw, and it's gonna be so hard to describe this well. So if you can, close your eyes, and I want you to see a tree. Um and I want you to look out at the the farthest outer clusters, the little the clusters, and notice how there are these tips that are rather close together, you know, in these clusters on the edge of a branch. But if you were to take two of those and follow them back, you might have to go back a long way to find where they actually connect. And yet, so what you're so and I would call that time. That you you'd have to travel back in time. You travel back along the branches until you find the fork where they finally meet again. So you have to go back in time to find that. But in space, they're quite close. Spatially, they're very they're quite close. They've grown, although they've grown along a different node of time, spatially they're very close. They're in a very close cluster with each other. And the reason this is so fascinating to me is because there have been times where I have felt so connected to or close with a certain ancestor, even though our time is so far apart. And obviously a big one was Lana Sawyer, you know, during my rape trial, finding her also having gone through a rape trial 200 years before, 250 years before, whatever. And and she had well, we don't really, we're not quite sure what happened with her, if she were if she had children or not. But but I don't, I'm not one of her children. But but what I'm saying is in space, she and I shared a very similar space, even though our nodes of time were so different, and they separated long ago. And this is so beautiful for me and so fascinating because it allows me to broaden my understanding. There are times when I have been so so filled with emotion that was greater than my life about a certain event or or a circumstance or a reaction where I have felt so close to some ancestor that I didn't know that it was that doesn't sort of fit you know the linear sort of like that's a node thing that I've been doing. And I'm and I've always been like, I don't understand why I have this affinity, why I have this deep, you know, response to this, because I don't I can't see in my line very clearly why this would be so. But in in other stories, it's that's where I'm saying you don't know where all the other lives branch to. There was one story where I can't, I won't get it right, but like someone had this incredible affinity for a place on the earth where they'd never been and no one in their family had ever lived. Like, and so as her lineage is traced back, she finds that one of her like grandfather, great-grandfather's sisters had like traveled to this place on the other side of the earth and lived and had a whole life there, um, and had married and had children, and um so and she's like, Oh my gosh, that you know, it's like like she feels that pull, but and she's now living in that place, and she's like, I can't believe that I've always felt like this strong pull here, even though my family's not from here or didn't blah blah blah blah blah and then come to find out, oh well it was it was they were, but it was 150 years ago, and it was just this one, you know, this one ant or whatever. And so I just think there are there's so much at play, and there's so much, so many powerful things happening that the mind can't understand, and and that we've lost the understanding of. I mean, you know, now that I see it, I think, well, yeah, of course, like I could see how how I can be in a space and have such an affinity for it and not know why. Because I can't see it on the timeline. Of course, we don't know everyone's stories, but the the reason this one of the reasons this is funny to me is I I have had three homes in the last 15 years or so, and they're all and I just I it was didn't matter how hard I tried, they're all within, I don't even know if it's a half a mile. I mean, but they're all let's say we're all they're all within a half a mile of each other, like this little triangular series of homes. And damn, as hard as I tried, it was like I couldn't get a home anywhere else. So I've ended up in this area. I didn't really want to be in this area, but it was just like this is the place where it seems like, you know, I have an affinity. Um who knows why. I know I have some, I don't know much about my father's, I know less about my father's side, but I know he had some pioneer stalk, so maybe anyway. Like I said, you're probably asleep by now, and that is just fine. Can you see? Isn't that cool? You can see like the sunlight coming through the the blinds and the leaves and the tree. Quite lovely. It's even better this way. Um so here's a funny story. I'm at my work and I walk in the front door every day through the office building, not into my office, but just the office building. And I had never like paid attention to the plant. It's this big plant sitting there right as you walk in. Um, in this big huge gold pot. And as I was walking through the other day, I noticed it, and it is like darn near dead. I was like, this poor plant, and like nobody's watering it, no one's taking care of it, and I had never noticed it. So I immediately go water it, and then I I email the you know, the property manager. I'm like, hey, like this poor plant, it's like I said, damn near dead. That's how I titled the email. I said, damn near dead. And so, um, and he was like, Oh yeah, we're getting all new furniture, and so I was just gonna throw it out.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

I was like, what's like this poor thing? Like it's it should be able to live. He's like, well, take it home, stick it in the yard, I don't care, whatever. So I did. I brought it, I lugged this big pot home a few days ago, and I have it sitting here, and I'm gonna see if I can. I mean, it's it's gonna, if it lives, it's mostly gonna come back from the bottom. So it's sort of uh, but that's my latest. It's my latest at saving, saving what can be saved.

SPEAKER_02 16:22

The ground up. Um anyway, so this this whole idea of part of our ancestry isn't tied to time, that there is definitely a spatial component, and that we can find ourselves in the same, we can have the same spatial affinity as ancestors who lived a long time before us. We can reach that sort of set same space along a different note of time and the tree really helped me, you know, kind of understand that. Um I guess I I don't really want to, but I guess I do. I really want to talk about this as I move through it. I think it's so important, and I I don't know why. I don't know why, but I think what I'm going through my with my therapist is really, really important for me to understand, and I don't. And so maybe that's why I want to talk about it. So I went in last week and you know, shared sort of like my outline for what I needed, um, in order, you know, like what works best for me. And I've done that with my other therapists and it went really well. I'm I would say I'm uh I don't need a sledgehammer. Um that what I've learned is that when the space is truly supportive and welcoming, that the magic happens. That I I open like a blossom and it just happens. Um I've realized that sometimes that can when I don't open, um I can't I have in the past interpreted that as like a problem on my part, or therapists have interpreted it as being stubborn or unwilling or willful, whatever. But then when the space actually exists and it happens, we all get to see the magic. So with this therapist, he's definitely kind of a sledgehammer guy, meaning he mostly works with men, uh, which is interesting in and of itself. And not that every man needs a slip sledgehammer, but many. It works, right? You kind of gotta hit him over the head and then it cracks open and they can get to what they need to get to. And he's definitely someone with that style, and he he's very capable in that way. So when I told him what I needed, what was interesting is we we then spent the next hour basically uh politely talking about he didn't he feels like it's too rigid for him and he doesn't have anything to do. And at the time, I wish I would have said, why do you need to do anything? You know, why do you feel the need to do anything? What is wrong with just listening as I process stuff? You know, why do you have such a need to be? This is what I feel. I feel like he has such a need to be useful. Um yeah, like like I've got to do something. And so here's the interesting part. I kept I was I continued to check in with myself and I remained present with myself, which I was and the whole time I was just shaking inside. And the the sound I always make is like that's how it feels inside. It's like when I'm super triggered. And I was the whole time. And I was like, okay, this is triggering me, but I'm staying present. It's okay, like it's okay. Um, we talked about it at the end, he was like, this was great, like I loved this, we got so much done, da-da-da-da-da. And I was kind of like, Well, I don't, I don't know. We didn't, you know, we didn't get anywhere with this conversation. You mean you're basic, and I'm saying this is what I need, you're saying that doesn't, and so I'm saying, like, maybe this isn't a good fit, is kind of where I'm like, I don't know about this. So, you know, we're like, okay, well, I'll see you next week. We'll talk about this some more. So I go home, it's a Friday night, um, and I just relax, eat dinner, take a bath, and then I get ready to go to bed, and I lay down, eyes wide open. And I started I lay there for an hour, eyes wide open, just like go go go go go go go go go. And that's when I realized, oh shit, I triggered myself too far. And I went from sort of like being triggered to life and death. So my nervous system during that conversation went to this is life or death, we're on high alert. I laid there all night. At like midnight, you know, I got up and Doing some CBD for sleep. Nothing. Hour later. I sleep with my phone in the other room. I go get my phone. I bring it in. I put on this really mellow audiobook. I'm slow. Hour later. Hour later. I mean, I'm just like, I think I slept maybe two hours that night. And I was just so, I was so sad because I had tried so hard to go about this in a way that I wouldn't trigger myself to that extent. I mean, I don't mind getting triggered, but I don't need to go to life or death. You know, I don't need, there's no reason for me to push my nervous system that far. So I don't sleep, so I then I have to get up. I guess it was Thursday night, I have to get up Friday, go to work, do a whole day Friday. I'm just like, oh my gosh. Or maybe I guess it was, oh God, I don't even remember. Yeah, it was Friday. All we're at work on Friday. By Friday night, my nervous system finally settled down. And I just, and then I slept like the dead, which is also not a good sleep. I get up Saturday, I'm so groggy. I have all these rehearsals. I get up, I go through Saturday. So that was so then Saturday night, last night, I lay down and I slept like a normal person's sleep. And I got up this morning and I was like, okay, we're back to normal. So this is my frustration with this therapist. I have tried to explain to him that I have the nervous system of like a fucking hummingbird. Like it's so easily triggered. So what for him was a great conversation was life or death for me. And I'm not, and I feel like I'm fighting him for what I need. And I don't want to do that. It does not work. It does not work. I don't care. I don't care how you say, no, you just keep talking about no, I'm not interested. This is a therapist. This is I'm not interested in fighting for what I need. So where I am today is I'm gonna go in on my Friday appointment and say, um, tell them what happened. What this is so what for you was a great conversation was life or death triggering that took me 48 hours to rebalance. I'm not interested. I'm not interested. It does not work for me. And I I feel like we've seen enough. We've seen enough that that his style, and I think he's probably a very good therapist. And so his style doesn't is not work with what with my needs. And I think the most so and this is where I feel like we are. I all I really need is to stay present, and I made this clear to him. I said, I just need because he was like, it's to what he said, there's so much resistance or something. And I said, no, I just I have to stay present in my body, embodied presence. That's that is all I'm asking you to help me do is embodied presence. You know, I was like, is that is that confining in some way for me, for you to help me stay embodied and present? And he was like, no. I was like, okay, like, and and all I really need from the other person is a witness to my process. And and there are times when they guide, I don't know how, I know it works because other therapists have done it. You know, I just and and and it was interesting that he had so much resistance again against it, and we had to like have an hour-long conversation because I want to say, this is what I'm gonna say, right? I'm gonna say, what is more sacred than embodied presence and embodied witnessing? Like what is what is more sacred? Like, what is there beyond that? I want to say we should be able to sit here as embodied present and embodied witness and just be, and just be. Like that is the whole, that's everything. I mean, I think that's what's you know, I just so so, and I'm going to say, it might be uncomfortable to say, but I'm gonna say, I feel like you need to be useful. And I don't need you to be useful, and that part of you that needs to be useful is is getting in the way of what I need. And so if if you need to, and and I'm sure there are times that he does need to be useful and he does need to be strong and great, but that's not me. And and I don't I no longer want to fight this one person. I just want to so this is where I am today. We'll see if this one full day of meditation changes things because it always does. I don't think it will, I think it will just reiterate, which is I I know what works best with this nervous system, and it's not something I can do alone. I need another person to help. And this is where we both failed. I told I've told him repeatedly, I need you to ask me to check in with my nervous system. He did not ask me once during the whole hour. Not once. Not once. Not once. I kept checking in with myself, so I did a better job. He did not ask me once to check in with myself. Like, and I and I've said him, I said, I've told him repeatedly, you can bore me. You can annoy me with how many times you ask me to check in. And he did not ask once. Not once. Like it's just, it's not a good fit. It's not a good fit. And I'm not willing, I'm not willing to be his guinea. And if he's like, I want to try, I'm no, I'm not your guinea pig. You need to go learn on your own with someone else, and I'll meet you when you can do this with me. I no, I'm no longer people's, I'm not willing to, not not in, I'm willing to learn with other people in my life. I'm not willing to train a therapist my style. Because this is what I know. There are people out there who can do it already. I don't have to tell, I don't have to train them. They just they know how. So I know this because it's they've done it. So I think what's and here's where I think our he and I, where we meet, our resonance and our conflict. And I I want to express this as well. And maybe I'll get more clear on it, but where I am now. Our resonance is that we both have a deep affinity and desire for the masculine and feminine to truly connect within us and and with others. Um, and I would say I embody a great amount of feminine, and he embodies a great amount of masculine, and neither of us are yet able, the feeling I get is that neither of us are yet able to actually connect to those within ourselves and with each other. So that's where our affinity is, is that we both that's something we're both working toward. I don't know this, I haven't we haven't spoken about it. This is, but I'm just gonna say this is what I'm sensing. And where the disconnect is, is that he needs to be useful. And that desire to be useful is like it's like a cat pouncing on a mouse. It's like the second he sees something, it's like pounce, I can do something about that. And that is the antithesis of how I work. When something, let's say the mouse appears, what when when something arises, I have learned that it's a gift, and whatever it is, I hold it as sacred. And I told him this. I said, whatever arises, you know, as in my embodied present, when someone, when something comes up, heard, held, and honored, I hear it, whatever it has to say, I hold it, I honor it. And then it goes from there. And he was he was like, Well, what am I supposed to do in all that? And I'm just like, what do you like, what? We're to it's everything. Like to hurt, like to be embodied presence, and when something comes up, it's heard and held and honored. Like everything's gonna happen. I don't like ever it's just gonna happen. I'm not in charge of this thing either. Like, it's just I don't know what's gonna come up. I don't know, you know, and I I keep going back to when I went through all, you know, that phase of all that hatred. And that was one of the hardest things to do was all this hatred coming up in me. And for me to hear it, hear what it had to say, and to hold it and to honor it. Like, here is all of this hatred. And it went on for weeks and weeks, I think it was like two months of just like hatred. And I was like, I went like, am I just gonna hate for the rest of my life? And you know, but I was willing to just sit with the process and just and my so was my therapist. Like every week I'd show up and be just like, I hate, I hate everyone, I hate everything, I just hate, I just hate. And she was so patient and just like, okay, well, let's talk about it. Like, all right, well, let's what let's what what should we do with it today, you know? And his need to be useful completely denies me the space to just be with this this shit. And I and I try I sort of said that last time too. I was like, we just need to be with it. He's like, well, what are we gonna do? I'm just like, I don't know, like shit happens. Like, I don't know. It just happens. We don't have like, you know, if we just follow this very and he was like, I'm and I said, I know it sounds like a static process, it sounds like bullet points, but it's not, it's a very dynamic process, it'll happen, you know. So I feel like his need to be useful is just like undermining everything I undermining what I the way in which I go about things. And I I just feel done. I'm kind and I'm sad because these are our these are I think our two triggers. And I've already said it. I've already told him, I've already said endings are so hard for me. I don't I don't want this to end. I don't want to try to find a new therapist. I said this last week, you know, and I think his is failure. I don't know that, but I think he doesn't want to fail. And so I think on Friday I'm gonna say all of this, and I'm gonna say, what I'd like to do is actually look at those two. I'd like to explore what it means for me for this to end, what I'm that's where the resistance is. Why can't I just let it end? And I would, if he wants to, he can explore w if that is his, you know, his sort of like resistance, what does it mean for you to fail? What does it mean for you to have a client walk away and find another therapist in this clinic? Which is what I would do. I email the admin again and say, okay, this person didn't work. Can we try someone else? You know, what does it mean for him to fail? What does it mean mean for me to to end and to let it go and start over? Because I just don't like I'm lining up my I've noticed I don't know why I'm doing this, but I noticed like, okay, that's kind of cool. You know, what does it mean for me to fail? I mean, yeah, yeah. Isn't it funny? I didn't I didn't mean to say that, but maybe it's clo maybe it's good that I did. You know, endings are a bit like I I guess I've never I've always thought of endings as loss, which is a trigger for me. Um but I guess endings can also be failures, which I I absolutely know. So this whole, you know, therapist thing has been on my mind a lot. Which is funny because my other therapists, they well no, I had stuff came up with them too, but most of the time was spent processing other things. In this one, we haven't even got to processing anything. I there were a couple of times where during the conversation where he wanted to go to the issues, and I said, No, I I can't go there with you. We haven't set up a groundwork yet. Like I still don't feel safe, and you just want to like attack these issues. And I still am trying to get to a space where we're we have agreement on what we're doing, which is number one, the same the thing I've asked over and over and over and over. Please help me stay embodied and present in my body. Ask me a million times, what are you feeling in your body? I said you ask just interrupt any conversation. You can interrupt me, interrupt you. What are you feeling in your body? Still didn't happen. The one thing I keep asking for is still not happening. And that's where I go, okay, that's that we like we're not even, we're not even in the same ballpark. I I just keep asking for this one thing, and the one thing isn't happening. So I think it's time to look at, you know, my resistance to ending failure, his resistance to ending failure, and move in that direction and find someone who can who under who when I say, I need you to ask me, what are you feeling in your body? That they go, okay. And then they ask me, what are you feeling in your body? Like it's not like brain science here. But I get that that would not work for every client, and he and I'm sure he serves other clients in amazing ways. So this isn't, which is interesting, it's not a failure on either of our parts, even though each of us might sort of deal with our own issues around it. Um you know it's a it's a mismatch of of the way, you know, the way we what we need. You know. So just kind of I I suspect that both of us, I definitely do, or I have in the past, have felt like pushing into the resistance is the way. And people still say that, oh yeah, the resistance is the way, da da da. I would say that is sometimes true. Sometimes oftentimes the flow will take you to the challenge, to will take you to where you're most challenged. That if you just flow with it, you'll meet plenty of challenges on the way. You don't actually have to resist, you know, with move into any resistance. Like it's just the challenges come, they just they're gonna come. That's the thing, is I think we're like fighting about trying to even get into the process of therapy. There's so many challenges for me to face where I'm gonna need help. I I can't remember what he said at one point. And I and I said, if I could sit at home and do this by myself, I would. Like, why would I bother? I'd I would just get it, I would just go home and get it done. Like, I can't. Oh, that was it. He's like, when he was saying, like, well, what am I supposed to do? I was like, I can't do this by myself. Like, if I could sit at home and and and stay embodied and process all of my own stuff, I would. I wouldn't bother. I wouldn't like why would I the fuck would I waste my time and money doing this? Like, I just do it. Like I need I need someone to help me through the process because as is seen, I it's hard for me to stay embodied and present when I start talking about certain things. Apparently, when I even start just talking to my therapist, um it's crazy, it's frustrating. I have to say, it's my my nervous system used to be a deep frustration for me. Um, it isn't anymore, and I'm glad about that. It is it is it is that like it's just an accepted part of who and how I am. Now I go, oh, okay. Oh, okay. You that was too much. Too you know you don't you don't move in that way, doesn't work for you. Not not many people don't understand that, it's fine. Your therapist is having a hard time understanding that, that's fine. We just need to have a conversation about, you know, we're I'm not going to do that again with him. Um I I mean, yeah, there's no, I'm not. And it was interesting because he was very, he felt so good after about it. And I was like, I'm not here to satisfy your I I didn't say this. This came to me that later that night. I was like, I'm not here to satisfy your needs. And I I hope I can remember to say that to him. I'm not here to satisfy your needs. The fact that you found that therapy rewarding is not therapy for me. I'm not here to satisfy your needs. I've asked you for what I need. It doesn't, you have great resistance to it. And at some point he was, he said, he did, he said, he kept trying to put it back on me. He's like, well, you'll have to decide if you're gonna stay or not. And I just, and I said, no, I'm asking you, can you do this? You know, can you even do this? I said, I don't know you. I'm asking you to honestly critique yourself. Like, can you help me stay embodied and present? You know, I'm like, you you know you better than I know you, so I'm asking, can you? And and he didn't ever really answer that. You know, as I think back on it, he there was never a yes, I can do that. I never got that. Isn't that interesting?

SPEAKER_01 41:06

I didn't, I never got that.

SPEAKER_02 41:15

The other thing is he's a good man. He's a good man. I think he does good work, he's got great intentions, he's intelligent, he's I think he's very gifted. Um there's nothing wrong with him. I'm a good woman. I'm gifted, I'm talented. Nothing wrong with me. But we don't have, we're not, we're just not on. It's like we're in the, it's the opposite of the tree. It's like we're in the same time, we're not on the same space. It's like I'm growing on one branch of the tree, and he's growing on another, it's like the opposite branch. It's like, you know, we have, you know, we we have some resonances, but yeah, it's interesting because you know, if I'm talking about masculine and feminine, you know, they'd be growing on probably opposite ends of the same tree, right? So I can see that. And in order for us to meet, it's almost like, you know, I said neither of us yet have the ability to do that. And I can see why. Because in order for us to meet, he would need to not be useful. He just needs to sit and win this as I need, and for me to need him, I would need to let him be useful. I guess. I don't know. I mean, obviously, I don't know because I don't know. I don't really understand. I under I understand enough to know that there is great magic when the masculine and feminine connect in a healthy way. Something I seek. I think I've probably experienced it at moments within myself, and probably at moments with other people. Um but any kind of lasting steady way, no.

SPEAKER_00 43:33

But we have a lot of

SPEAKER_02 44:01

I don't know. I guess we'll see. I guess I'll I'll I'm interested in continuing to share this with you because I think it's it's so helpful for me to speak it. You're like the you I always want you to know you're the perfect witness. You never interrupt me, you never disagree with me. All the things. Um but I think it's I think it will be fascinating for me to watch and maybe for others to watch me go through this process of exploring what do you do when it does when it's not working, when you've asked for what you know you need. This is where this is sort of like the hard and fast stop for me. There's part of me that wants to stay and say, well, let's work with this, let's see what we can do. But the hard and fast sort of commitment, the thing that trumps that is my commitment to sort of myself. I'm not willing to trigger my nervous system in this way again. Not not on a like if in order for he and I just have a conversation, if I'm triggered every single fucking week, no. It just uh nah. So the fact that we can't, so that's kind of the Trump card is as much as I would like to stay and work through some of these things and like learn more and and actually connect more and all those things that I so desire, not I can't I can't trigger myself every week just trying to have a conversation. That's not what if that's going to happen, it's not going, I don't, I don't know that it should be in therapy, I think, or at least not to that degree. I don't know. I don't know, we'll see. I didn't say it should be in real life, but I've often in the past with my other therapy with my other therapists, I found that the therapy was a good place to practice things. Um but it doesn't, it feels like I'm holding too much right now in therapy. Like with my other therapists, they held a lot and I knew it. And it felt unfair. I was like, I know that they hold a lot in order for me to show up and practice what I'm practicing. And it doesn't feel like this with this therapist. It feels like I'm holding a lot so I can try to show up and practice, and it's like not working.

SPEAKER_00 46:51

It it needs to, that's not it's not what it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_02 47:02

You know, it's and and I would say to my other therapists, I'd say, I know this is staged, meaning I know that I get to come in here and practice saying and doing things, and you don't really respond in as a normal human being. You know, you have you respond as a therapist so that I can have this space. And I don't have that space with this therapist. Um I'm sort of just practicing. I feel like I'm every I'm going and I'm practicing just holding on to myself as tightly as I can. Um, and that's not what I want to be doing. I I want to be unfolding and exploring what is going on in there, not like just gripping onto myself for dear life. It makes me sad. Again, it's what makes me sad is ending. I don't want to end again. And I'm sure failure is in there. It just feels like ending, another ending, another like loss and another starting to I also don't want to start again. So that's uh and what I do know about this therapist is that you know, if I say I'd like to have a few more sessions and I want to talk about what it's like to end. I want it what the loss feels like, what it feels like to begin again, the fears, the unknown, the I I I do believe he will be like, yeah, I'm I'll hear and I will let's talk about those. Let's move through. I do believe he'll move through um that with me. So the other thing that I've noticed throughout this is I don't have any animosity. Like oftentimes when there would be conflict, um, the hatred would come up. Like there would be this kind of like hating animosity. And there hasn't been any, there hasn't been any. And I feel like whatever I did earlier in this year with all that hatred, it really did change something. Like I no longer, it's no longer a like an auto an automatic reaction for me. I don't have any ill will or hatred or uh I would there's frustration, but it's not even frustration, it's just I'm just sad. I'm just sad. I like I wish I wish it could be more. But like I said, my my barometer is my nervous system. I'm not willing to. And and the fact that he doesn't just do the very minimum, which is just ask me what I'm feeling in my body. Just remind me to check in, like let's stop and talk about what I'm feeling in my body. That's I need that more than anything. That's really a gateway for me to healing and to growing and to learning, and and the fact that that doesn't seem to be something he can do. Um yeah. Deep breaths, deep breaths. And uh so we're at 50 minutes, so you should be well into your rest. And so I'm gonna be quiet when I say goodnight, so that this just quietly stops. And hopefully your app doesn't auto-play something, and it will just let you stay asleep. And don't forget to go out tomorrow and look at the beautiful trees and all the wisdom that they hold. Have a beautiful day.