#161 Mother’s Day: A complex celebration

Mother’s Day is not easy. So many have lost their mother, to death or estrangement, and so many have lost a child, to death or estrangment. This isn’t a carefree day for many — it’s complex, complicated, emotional, confusing. And it want to acknowledge that truth. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Welcome to the Lucid S podcast where I explore everything because I believe everything is connected to everything else. I also believe in the infinite unbounded potential within each of us. And I would say I enjoy exploring those possibilities, those potentials. I also feel like it's something that I'm called to do. Today's going to be a little bit of a mix between Mother's Day and our callings in life. I would definitely say I heard the call to be a mother many years ago, probably around my oldest is around 28, so around 30 years ago. I didn't know if I would have children. It wasn't something that I actually had any interest in, and for many years I didn't think I would. And then right about that time when the Saturn return hits, that first Saturn return, I suddenly was like, I need to have a child. And I wouldn't say, you know, that, you know, some people would say, oh, your biological clock kicked ticked in. Well, I was, I think, you know, your late 20s. I don't know if that's necessarily. It doesn't matter. Whatever happened, I suddenly was like, I I want children. I definitely want children. So my then husband and I began that process. And I would say to this day, um, 28, 30 years later, um, that is the single greatest joy of my life. Um, having children, raising children. And I've said it before, it's I feel like it's for me it's my most important calling. Um, which is interesting because I would not say it is my most fulfilling calling. Um, it has been, I mean, they've challenged me, they've taught me, they've challenged me, they've pushed me to limits I never thought, I never knew or wanted or any of those things. Um and it doesn't, and surprisingly, you know, you I I would think after all this time that those challenges might even end. You know, you think you kids you they grow up and go away, but no, that for me anyway, my journey as a mother, that tether as a mother is still so strong that even though both of my children live out of state now, um, it's still it doesn't matter. I they are the lessons are still there, the challenges are still there, the teachings, the the yeah, it's it still is and and and it's it still is so critically important, which is interesting because it's also not the most, if you said like if you had me list, you know, what I needed to get done in life, so to speak, like what what different things I felt called toward, quote called to accomplish at my time, motherhood is not one of those, meaning like I've already sort of like quote accomplished motherhood, meaning I've have given birth to my children and raised my children. So it's not really on the list of things that I feel called to fulfill in my life right now. It's not even on the list. It just is something that never goes away. It is a calling that never goes away. And I I don't know that I ever understood that. I mean, you don't understand parenthood, period, until you have children. Um, you certainly do not understand parenthood as a child. It's the last thing you understand. You think you think being a child, you might understand parenthood because you have parents. No, you you don't. It's you just don't. So until you've had your own children, you don't understand parenthood. But but isn't that interesting that the call, my calling as a mother isn't, I wouldn't even put it on my list of things I feel called to accomplish today. It's not even on my list, and yet it remains such a powerful part of my life. And my kids don't even live in the same state. Like we, you know, there are our interactions are are across a thousand miles and you know, not not nearly as frequent as they once were. Doesn't matter that that that tie is still there. So, and today is Mother's Day. Today is Mother's Day, and it was an interesting day because it's my first Mother's Day. It was it's interesting because it's it's a double first. It is my first Mother's Day without my mom. It's my first Mother's Day without my mom alive, and I miss her. Yeah, and I sat down this morning and just spoke to her, and I think what's most interesting, if you listen to other episodes of this, I mean, my relationship with my mother is far from it's it's riddled with all kinds of issues. But since her death, there has been such peace, and I feel like that is a gift she brought me, um, part of the cleansing waters of her death. But so it was it was just so sweet. My relationship with my mom is so sweet now that she's passed. Um, and I don't and death doesn't always do that. I mean it death, I don't think it's not death is not like the answer, so I feel lucky that it's been like that for me. But this is also so it's my first Mother's Day without my mom. It's also my first Mother's Day without either of my kids. Last year um one of my children was still here, one was gone, and now this year they're both out of state. So it was a Mother's Day both without a mother and without my kids. And definitely a a longing um for my mom, for my kids, um for the beautiful calling called Motherhood. I miss my mom, I miss my kids. And um there was I had a a rehearsal and a singing event, um, not necessarily centered around mothers, but definitely mothers were involved, and mothers were noted and celebrated a bit throughout it. And as I spoke to a few different moms today, you know, different in person and through text, and well wishes and this and that and this and that, I just began to see motherhood is such a complicated, complex experience. And for so many moms, there is so much loss. You know, so here I am, and I'm feeling the loss of my mom, the loss of you know, my children who aren't nearby me. And then I look around, and here's a mom who's lost her daughter, and here's a mom who's lost two of her sons. Um here to, you know, they've they've passed. Here's a mom who lost a son to drug abuse, and they're just like MIA on the street. Um here's a mom who's estranged from one or more of her children because uh of you know pain and grief and just the family dynamics that cause such things. And so I'm looking around and I just motherhood is such so complicated. I mean, here we we spend, you know, roughly nine months literally tied from umbilicus to umbilicus to this beautiful being, and then that can be, you know, quote, unquote, severed, whether through death or all myriad of types of losses. And you know, I put severed in quotes because if it was it was if it was truly severed, then it would make things quite simple, right? It would just be severed over, but you're never severed that umbilicus from myself to my mother, from myself to my children. It's just it's not severed. Um, so it was it was an interesting day of you know, quote, celebration of mothers. And yet so many of the mothers, it was it was you know, they were celebrating, but there was so much loss in the celebration. All kinds of all kinds of losses that happened through motherhood. Um also in in the you know the loss of the loss of your mother, you know, so many people grieving the loss of their mother, and then mothers grieving all manner of types of losses of their children. And so it's an interesting day because it I feel like Mother's Day was created for mothers who have living children in their home. And I remember those days when my children were in my home and they were special and wonderful and remarkable and fun, and just but I I don't think it's it encompasses or we've forgotten to remember everything else that motherhood embodies and encompasses and experiences, and I just think we need to like feel like we've opened a window of motherhood on Mother's Day, and we need to open all the windows and then open all the doors and then open all the walls and take off the roof and go, oh my god, motherhood does not fit inside anything. It is so vast, and the experiences are so varied, and you know, the celebration of mother needs to include not just joy and happiness, but loss and sorrow and incredible challenges and uh lessons and teachings and learnings, and again and again, and just this tethered eternity. Like just this just you're constantly tethered to this thing. It's so beautiful. I I wouldn't ever change it. I I don't know that I'll do anything more important, and I and it is I think I've done some pretty important things in my life. I might not be famous, that doesn't matter, it doesn't mean it's not important. I think I have yet I have yet to do some very important things in my life. I still believe that, and yet none of them will compare with this. So and and I I'm I speak as a mother. Um I don't know that this has to be, I'm not a father, I can't speak to that, but I don't know that this doesn't encompass that as well. I don't know what that's like. I also don't know what it's like to have non-biological children. Um so that may encompass those as well. But speaking as a woman who's given birth to children, as a woman who was born from a mother, um, Mother's Day is is uh is more complex and complicated than the day often acknowledges. And I guess that's what I want to do today is so many of the moms I spoke to, there was loss and longing and grief and sorrow and heartbreak and frustration and confusion, and I mean there was just so much surrounding it. So much surrounding this day. You know, if you're someone whose experience of Mother's Day, whether as a child or as a parent, is is complicated and complex and it's not a hallmark card, then I see that. I witness that, I acknowledge that, I understand some of it. And I think that is that is the truth of most mothers. Most mothers. You know, when we m we mother so many, not just our children, we mother so many things in life. If you mother anything, you you will learn many of these lessons. None of the other things I've mothered in life have been as powerful teachers as my children, but that absolutely could be true for some people. So this is just an acknowledgement that there is far more to Mother's Day, to motherhood, to mothering, to having a mother, to being a mother, than is recognized by this day. And in that acknowledgement, in the witnessing, in the speaking, may there be relief and release and welcoming and belonging and a sense of peace that it's okay. It's okay, it's okay. So have a beautiful day.