#162 The Art of Integrity: Boulder to Pillar

In this episode, I trace my humble beginnings of integrity--as a heavy boulder--to my beautiful pillar of integrity, today. I've worked hard to learn how to create beauty with integrity, while being immovable with it, like Ozen from the anime The Abyss (which I highly recommend everyone watch!) So, cheers to everyone who practices integrity, with themselves, with others, with life, with energy, with it ALL! Best of luck!

Transcript

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Hello, and welcome to the Lucidas Podcast, where I explore everything because I believe everything is connected to everything else. Today I'm exploring integrity and not just integrity but the art of integrity. Over the space of about 72 hours, maybe a little bit longer. The first one, after I recorded it, I realized it just wasn't done and I needed the story finish. And then when I went to record the second one, I realized I had so much to say with the second one that it wouldn't fit with the first one, and then I got done recording and I had forgotten to turn on the microphone. So that was like 70 minutes, and it was brilliant, brilliant. And then in hindsight, I realized there were things that I said that um were not ready to be shared. So I guess I purposely did not turn on the microphone, so I just needed to express some things. So here we are at temp number three. We'll see if this makes it out there. Um integrity, not new to me. I mean, I would say it's a solid decade or more that it's really been um sort of in my mainframe, and I've thought long and hard on it, I've acted on it, I've got no done it well, done it poorly, blah blah blah blah blah. So when it came up again recently, um it came up in a couple of ways, and and I hadn't been focusing on it. It was, you know, it's just kind of always there. And then I was journaling about something, and then suddenly I wrote this line, and just out of nowhere, and I wrote, What is integrity and why does it matter? And I thought, well, that's interesting. I'm not writing about integrity, so where did this come from? What is, you know, apparently I thought I knew what it was, but if it's coming up again, what is integrity? Why does it matter? I was like, I don't know, I guess this is here again. And then I was talking to someone else, and they said something about you know, integrity and authenticity are really sort of foundational parts of who you are and how you live. And they didn't know any, and I was like, well, that's interesting because I haven't said anything to them about integrity in my life right now. Um, so and somewhere else, I can't remember where else it came up, and I was like, okay, got it. I'm clearly getting the message about integrity. Um, there are many things in the last two uh podcasts I did that I will not be releasing um that I want to say about integrity, but I realize I I don't get to say them, and I'm really bummed because they show how right I am, and I love to show how right I am. So I don't get to show that. Just know, just know that I'm very right. Um, and so and I think that's funny that it really does matter to me. But I get to tell you another way that I'm learning, which um is the is the important part, the important bit. This podcast in general, before I share more, I want to say this podcast means a lot to me. It means a lot to me, it matters a lot to me. I'm very, very, I'm very, very proud of it. I haven't even done it. Um I certainly have an idea what I'm gonna say, but I haven't scripted it in any way. But why does it matter? Why does it mean a lot? Because I think I in in my life, in my being, in my journey, integrity is is truly foundational. It is so important. So before I share the story, the art of integrity, I want to stop again and talk about what we know. I assume if you're listening, you probably agree. Energy is a thing. Energy, there are many energies, energy is a thing in our universe. Um perhaps you've also come to realize that energy. I always say energy cannot lie. Not that it doesn't lie. You know, there are maybe there are human beings that do not lie. Energy cannot lie. The energy of hate cannot lie and say it's anything different. It literally cannot lie. Energy is energy, and it is the energy it is. So we live in a universe that doesn't lie. It can't, leaders, it cannot lie. It cannot lie. Energies are what they are. Energy, we live in an energetic universe, energies are what they are, they cannot lie. So, what is integrity? Right? So, if I live in an energetic universe, integrity is to have integrity is to be present to aware of the energies that exist in that moment. Whether I'm generating and perpetuating them, or whether the person next to me is generating and perpetuating them, or you know what is happening, integrity is sort of like what is happening energetically in this moment, and being present to and aware of it. I don't necessarily think that means you have to engage in it, but you are aware of and present to what is happening in this moment, and I think that is the very beginning of integrity. It means you're not lying, you're not lying to yourself or the universe or anyone else about what is actually energetically happening in this moment. Why does this matter? I don't know, but I know it matters. I know integrity matters, and I know it's deeply tied to energy, and I know energy matters, and I believe it's because it's the language. It's it's it's it's I think it's one of the quickest and easiest ways to speak with the universe is through energy. Um I don't necessarily believe that I don't believe words are necessary. I believe they can help. Words are obviously energy as well, but to be able to attune to, align with, be present with, embody certain energies. It's like you're having a conversation with the universe, and you're like, this is you're telling the universe this is who I am. And you don't have to tell the universe with your words or even your actions, you can energetically, and and it will, and because you could lie, you could do certain actions that really don't carry the energy of the action. Like we've all seen that, right? We've seen someone who's pre who's making the the actions of someone who's kind and caring. We know they're not kind and caring, we know it's an act. The universe knows it's an act. That's what's most important. The universe knows it's an act. It's like we know energetically, the universe, energy doesn't lie. So the energy knows. Energy knows energy, universe knows energy, universe is energy. It knows when the energy of what you're doing matches the action of what you're doing, matches the intent, matches the words, matches right. It knows when all of those are aligned. I know when all of those are aligned. I know when I do or have done things where I'm it may look a certain I mean, I remember it was just just the other day. I stopped and held the door for someone because they were moving slow and I could tell they needed help getting through the door. And the whole time I was like, God, would you fucking hurry up? Like, I don't have time for this. No, it's not a kind act. And I knew it, I was like, you're so full of shit in this moment. I'm massively full of shit. I'm totally out of integrity in that moment. I probably would have been better served to just blast through the door and leave the person to deal with it themselves. Because energetically, I was not there to help at all. I mean, I don't know. Maybe it was maybe there's a shred of help in the fact that I held the door anyway, even though no part of me wanted to be doing that. Um anyway, so but we do know when we when the the volition, the intent, the energy, and the action are all aligned. That's a lot of integrity, and that's very powerful. It's also quite rare. I think most times we're probably struggling with um some part of ourselves, which now that I think of it, it's not always bad. I don't think it's bad to do those things. I was aware that I was sort of a sham, meaning no part of me wanted to be kind and thoughtful and hold the door, except some part of me did. Some part of me was like, hold the damn door. Like it's you have time. I know you're in a hurry, but you have time, hold the door. So I don't think that doesn't matter. Um, but again, again, I guess you know, now that I think about it, I'm glad that I'm parsing this out. You know, I did have integrity in that I knew that I didn't want to. I wasn't pretending that I did to myself. You know, I knew I was like, I don't want to hold the door, but I'm going to hold the door, even though I don't want to be doing this. I actually think there's a lot of integrity in that. I was not lying to myself. Um, I didn't try to be like sickly sweet with the person. They were like, thank you. I was like, yep, you know, like I'm not gonna try to pretend like I'm just like whatever. So integrity deeply matters, and I I have felt it the last few days, and the next thing I want to say, I know I haven't gotten to the story. Why don't I just get to the damn story? The story is not really that important, it's just a little example. I want to talk about other things first. Yesterday I talked a good bit when I did the other podcast that I forgot to turn on the microphone for. I talked a good bit about a character in an anime. It's an anime I love. My children introduced it to me years and years ago. I remember at one anime of the year that year. It's called The Abyss. And I must have watched it three or four times over the next like three or four years. And one time I even like took quotes, even wrote down because there are some brilliant lines in that anime. And there's a character in the anime that during my rape trial, I remember sitting down and literally trying to channel it. I did, I would like channeled that one certain character, and her name is Ozan. Ozan the immovable. There are times when we're called or moved or forced to have a certain level of integrity that that causes so much discomfort in us, and maybe even pain or or grief, or who knows what, that part of us has to be ozin the immovable. It has to remain solid and it has to be immovable in its integrity so that we can do what we need to do, even while the rest of us is sort of whipping around in chaos. There were so many times during my rape trial where I just kind of set that inner like stake inside of me. It's like that ozin, sort of like this pillar. I was like, don't move. I have to have integrity with myself, I have to have integrity with this rape trial. I have to have integrity, you know, don't give in to the doubt or the grief or the fear or the whatever's, whatever's, whatever's, whatever's, you know, or to the games, or to the mind, the mind games, or to the manipulation, or to the controls, or the um, you know, the fears, the doubts, the all the things it was like just don't. Some part of me had to be Ozin the immovable, while the rest of me sort of floundered about, you know, in emotions and thoughts and chaos. So in the last 72 hours, um I felt like I have called upon that Ozin the immovable part again to hold the integrity that I needed to hold. Um there's so much I want to say, and it just for whatever reason, it's just not it's not being allowed to say. So I'm not even sure how to tell this story because I have to be careful. I know one of the things I've said is that I don't want people to be identified. Um that's not fair to them. They're not asking to be on my podcast, and so I'm not sure how to tell so much of what I've said in the last two days. I mean, I never said names, but it didn't matter, it wouldn't be that hard to figure out who it was. I don't know why anyone would care to figure out, but I don't understand all people. So, what I want to talk about, what I want to try to share about the the art of integrity is I've had a lot, I have and do, I have a lot of integrity in my life. Um, and I have for some time. I'm pretty proud of it. Um, I stand by it, it works well for me, it's important to my journey, blah blah blah. Um, I feel like my dad has been a big part of that. He was someone who had, you know, in his own way, had a lot of integrity and was able to hold true to that at times. Not always, but I don't always get it right either. So I'm not here to pass judgment. I do feel like he's been a teacher and a mentor for me in that. So in this, but what happened is new. As you notice, I've added the word of art. I've never really considered that there was an art to integrity, but there's um certain situations in my life where I'm constantly asked to hold people to be integers. Um and it gets so exhausting, so tiring, and so and all the excuses I hear, and all the blah blah blah. So, and I've begun to see that there are ways to call people to be in Tegras. And at first, when I started doing it, it was like bam, it was it was very right and wrong, very right and wrong, and I'm gonna prove that you're wrong, and I'm very good at that because I want to be right. And then after a while, I and then it would it would backfire sometimes because people would were so they weren't right, and in the end they weren't right, and they knew they were in the end they got caught anyway. In the end it all came out, but they were not gonna go down without a fight, and I was so then I started thinking, okay, I don't really want to fight people on this, like this is not, this is also not it's I don't it's not interesting. There's got to be more to it. So then I realized, okay, wait, there are other ways, you know, there are other ways to bring about integrity in this process in place, and blah blah blah. So I started using those, and they were more like you know, not right and wrong, but like there's a possibility of this, so let's just deal with it. And that worked pretty well until recently. Um another another person who was sorely wrong in the end. It's so lovely how many times I get to be right. That's a funny thing for me recently to to see how often I am right, and I know we're not supposed to be that. I don't care anymore. To see how many times I am right, and I and and yet I feel bad, as though I'm not supposed to be right. It's a very weird thing. So that's something I'm I'm working on, is is that it's okay for me to be right, and it's okay for me to know things that not everybody knows, and to understand energy in ways not everyone does. I'm not the only one, but I am me. So, and I so in this situation, you know, it was like recently when this thing happened a couple of days ago. I was just like, okay, what you know, what again? Should I like not hold people accountable? Should I like, am I asking for too much? And something to me was like, Ozic was like, no, like this is this is the life, this is the conversation we are choosing to have with the universe. Conversation I have with the universe is like, I am aware, I am present, I understand energetically what is happening, I get less and less involved with like the visual display, um, and I stay attuned to myself, my barometer, my my whatever, and you know, my surroundings, blah blah blah. So, this situation, you know, the person I was dealing with, first of all, let's just say they're young. Um, so we're gonna give them that, but I have plenty of people who aren't young, but this one was, and then it may have been why I was able to to soften into the art of integrity because they were so young, and and they put on a really big show, lots of tears, lots of I would never lie, blah blah blah. And I was just like, I was just like, I just don't even know what to do. So the first thing I did, I was very promised. The first thing I said is um, okay, I need you to, you know, why don't you step out, step away, go take some deep breaths. I need to think about what I'm gonna do. Because I was like, I don't know what to do. Like, I just this this the show she's putting on there there was a little it brought a little bit of doubt, but then then I was like, no, like it's just no, you know, so it was and then I was like, and I need her to calm down. Like I just this is getting, you know, she's just so anyway. A few minutes go by, take care of some other things, address some other things, and then I you know consider it again. I was like, no, like I have to stick to it. Like this is conversation I have with the universe, is this. I'm all I'm also not without it's a conversation, right? Like it's like this has to be addressed, this needs, you know, this is the way I I don't, but I I don't like demand a certain solution, right? Like, so I want to say it's not that I I'm not inflexible about it, but I am immovable, and I think there's a difference. Um so I go back out and I say, okay, come in. And again, it's like I would never lie, and the tears start up again, and I just said, Okay, stop. And I showed her some things, and I just said, You tell me, you tell me. So I kind of took, and I it's the first time that I've done that. You know, I'm always the one that's saying, and I said, You tell me, you look, and you tell me, and she was just quiet. And then she looks up and she started on her story and said, No, no, no, no, no, no. You tell me. Based on what you said, you tell me. And she was quiet again, and I said, I'm trying to do you a favor. And she looked up, and I just said, Line won't get you very far in life. She just sat there for a second and I said, I'm trying to help. And she looked down again, which then she was like, Well, and then she said some things like, well, da da da da. And I said, It doesn't matter. And she was giving like some different options. I said, Doesn't any of those, any. You choose how you're gonna resolve this. I don't care. Um, and that's where I realized I'm not inflexible, I am immovable in certain things. And once she realized, once I finally, once once I gave, it was almost like I gave her the decision-making power. Like, you tell me, you look, and you tell me. You tell me what you see. And there were no words, right? There were no words to describe what was seen any other way. Like, how is she gonna? So once she stopped, she was then she was like, Thank you so much. Like, you're welcome, you know, and it was done. And when she left, I realized that is the first time, maybe I've done it before, that is the first time I've consciously practiced the art, the art of integrity. So it was like taking Oz in the immovable. I mean, it's was she was still there. I was just like still holding her, you know, this pillar, this firm, immovable, integrous pillar inside of me, like it was immovable, like we're not moving off of this because this is the conversation I choose to have with the universe. Um at the same time, it's It's no longer um I don't really care about right and wrong. I think it's I think it's interesting how often I'm right because I've been told so much how wrong I am. So that's a new sort of like deep breath for me. But I don't honestly care. I'm just trying to hold integrity in the ways that I know I feel called to. And so if if you have if your life happens to come into contact with mine and I'm holding integrity, you're either going to be integrous or our lives will our lives will part. Like there's no other way. Um and for the most part, you know, 90% of these moments are fine, but then there's these other 10% that have gone really haywire. Um, and so I've been trying to look up how can I better, what can I do, um, knowing that I I have this Oz in the immovable integris like pillar inside of me, and I'm not willing to not be. But how can I be that in such a way that it allows people to come into their own integrity, and that's what happened in this um, and it began, it began by me. Um I haven't said that, I don't know. I told you I don't want to say in this podcast. So I'm trying to feel it out. It began by me sort of stepping back and asking them to come closer. Not to me, to like the issue, like I'm gonna step back and I'm gonna ask you to come up close and tell me what you see. Like, tell me what you see. Like, I'll listen, you tell me what you see. Um and in that sort of energetic invitation and energetic shift, it's like I moved away from it, I asked her to move closer to it, and her intimacy with it almost then caused, then, then she began to see, oh, this is between me and me, me and this, it's not between, it's not between her and me. It's between her and this, right? This which she did between her and her, between her and her work, between her and herself, between her and her life. So it was an interesting moment of practicing this new idea of that integrity can be um immovable and also an art form and also flexible. It reminds me a lot, as I'm saying these words, I'm seeing um the Japanese uh Japanese arts, like the perfectly raped uh sand in a Zen garden, or you know, the perfectly stroked um letters or characters or swirls, you know, or the perfectly aimed arrow. Um there is an immovable quality to it. It is precise and exact, and yet there is a fluidity, there is a motion, there is movement, there is presence, there is um so that's a a little bit how um integrity is starting to feel like to me. And and it's beautiful because in the past, you know, when beginning as a beginner with integrity, integrity was such a solid, heavy rock, you know, and and it had to be because I was because when here's the other thing I want to share. This is your plane with integrity. It is one of the most there, it causes so much discomfort in me, in my life. Other people, I I don't, I don't like to call myself out with it. It's it causes me a lot of discomfort to see it in myself. I don't like to call other people out on it because I know not only is it gonna cause them discomfort, but they almost they often try to put that back on me. Like, what's wrong with you? Who who do you think you are? You know, like all kinds of weird stuff. Um so integrity is like causes so much discomfort. It is like one of the most I like nails down the chalkboard. Or what the thing I used yesterday, I think I said grating carrots, but it's like grating steel. Like somebody giving you a nail file and a grater, and you're like, oh my god, it's just like so grating. Um, and because of that discomfort, when I first began practicing integrity, I was like a big, huge, heavy boulder, and I was like, and I it had to be because there was so much discomfort in me holding to my own integrity that I needed somebody basically to just weight me down and not let me move and to be heavier and bigger and stronger than me because I would have done anything to slither away. Um now I I don't I don't slither away, I don't run away, I don't do all I can hold myself. It's still there's still as much discomfort, but with it there is understanding. There is the understanding that that is the way for me. Um that it's the only way for me. Um that other other paths are are literally blocked for me. They don't, I can't if I try to move forward in a disintegrous way, and in an unintegrous way, um, it's immediately blocked. Like it just it doesn't work. I don't understand I don't understand why. I I I consider it a blessing now, uh, because it it definitely works for some people. Absolutely. I'm not gonna say it doesn't, um, but it doesn't work for me. And so I've learned that my flow, my path, is integrity. Um, and so as long as that has, as long as my flow has to be integrity, which I used to think, oh my god, I'm always gonna be carrying around this big huge boulder of integrity, and now I'm like, oh no, integrity might might be fairly immovable, something that you know I adhere to inside of me. But there's an art, there's a flow, there's it can take many forms. That's the other thing I'm starting to see is I'm I'm finding myself responding um more fluidly to situations where I that's out, that's you know, like times where I'm like could go, like it's almost like okay, I'm gonna in this one I'm just gonna throw an arrow and then I'm out. You know, and then you back off and and let them resolve it. Um other times it's like I'm gonna step in and I'm gonna stay. I'm not gonna move. Somebody's gotta stand here and remind them that this thing has to happen until it does, and then it's like, okay, I'm gone. And that's the other thing is I don't like there's so much relief when it's resolved, whatever, whatever situation, whatever, whatever is going on. I don't really care. I used to, I used to care more about being sort of seen for who I am and what I do. It still matters, it's not like gone, but it's less. It's less. And I think it's less for a few reasons. One, I just don't need it as much anymore because I see it and I respect and honor who I am. And two, I just realized so many people never will. Like, I'm asking for something that like literally doesn't exist. Like so few people see and understand me. Um, and that I think that will be true my whole life. I could be wrong. But I just I have such a unique sort of niche in life, and um it's funny, it's this weird people don't understand me because I can get up in front and take control of a lot of people in different situations, um, or get up and perform or whatever, and then and people think that's who I am. I immediately retreat. Like, and I don't just like retreat to the wings, I like leave the whole theater, you know. Let's say if it was a theater, I don't just leave the stage, go into the back wings. I'm like, I'm like gone, I'm like home, you know, like I like disappear. And and I've just realized I that is that is what I spend most of my time way out on the fringes, not even on the wings of the stage. Like I'm way out in the fringes, not even in the theater. I blow in, do my part, and then I'm gone. And that who I and that is who I am. Like that is I've realized, oh, this is you can show up and do the big moments, fine, but but then I have to retreat. Like I need my space, my silence, my quiet, my beauty, my you know, this. I need all of this. It was like this morning I spent four hours from you know, from six to ten, you know, I was meditating, and then I was, you know, do doing different sort of like spiritual stuff, and then I was you know, doing some deep, deep cleaning certain areas of my house. Funny things where you're suddenly like, this needs to be cleaned, like this toilet bowl right here needs to be scrubbed until it is literally sparkling, shiny, clean. Or this shower, or this tub, or this garbage can, or like something, you know, and it's like these weird areas of the house where you need to clean out this little old box of papers that you've had, and there's time stuff needs to go, and you need to move your altar. You know, it's like so. For four hours from 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. this morning, I was doing all this, like I would say it was you could call it energetic stuff, spiritual stuff, meditative stuff. Uh could call it cleaning, you could call it clearing, you could call it renewing, you could call it, you know, all these things. And I by 10 I realized, oh, like these are I have this is stuff I have to do in my life so that I understand myself, I understand my life, I keep the energies of my life balanced and attuned, I keep my understanding of myself balanced and attuned, I keep my understanding of life balanced and attuned because it's always changing. For me, it's I'm always changing, life is always changing, my understanding is always changing, I have to constantly attune, I have to blah blah blah blah blah. So, and and I don't think people understand that, and they'll be like, Why are you so under that? Why are you so busy? And I'll think, I'm not gonna try to describe the last four hours and why I have to carve out those hours for myself, like they can't be described. Like, like how am I supposed to explain to someone what I did in the last four hours when I'm not sure? I just know that all those things had to be done and that they were enormously important balancing of energy. I don't know, I can't, and so so I need massive amounts of time to do what I do that no one ever sees, and no one can see. It's not something there are so many things that happen that I literally can't speak about. They're not allowed, and I'm like, okay, like I just doesn't so what I'm getting at is I've realized, you know, so I so many of the times when I wished I could be seen, I've realized now are moments that will never be seen. That uh that they can't happen in the way they need to happen if they are seen. It's it's like the experiment, the double sled experiment. Is it a particle or a wave? It the scene in it, the scene of it changes it. And so in most in much of the stuff I do, I don't even see what's happening. It's literally sort of like these blinders come down over my eyes, and I'm just moving about doing the things that need to be done, and da da da, and then suddenly four hours is gone, and I go, Whew, I'm glad that's done. And then I go, What did you just do? And I'm like, I don't, I'm not sure. I mean, I could tell you, oh well, I cleaned that, but that's not really what I did. And this is where this is the invitation to an energetic universe, right? As long as you're obsessed with what you're looking at, as long as if I had been obsessed or or satisfied by what the girl was showing me, but in a very different story, but I wasn't. I was like, I know that what you're showing me is not an integrity with what you've done, like this. I would never lie, and this no, this is a show, and I I can't figure out how to get you past your own show so that we can discuss what's going on here, what's actually happening, right? So I could say, Oh, well, I I scrubbed a toilet bowl, and you'd be like, Yeah, you could hire someone to do that. But no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You can't hire someone to do that. You cannot hire someone to do that. What I did energetically with myself and a toilet bowl. You cannot hire out. And this is where so much is misunderstood. Oh, well, I have cleaners come, my house is spotless. I don't. But I'm just saying someone could say, oh, I have cleaners come, my house is spotless. And I'd say, you got some energy to clean out, girl. I don't care how spotless your house is. Nothing to do with it. There's so the lack of integrity in our culture is literally the foundation of our culture. It's incredible to me. Nobody wants to hear that, nobody wants to look at it, and a few people believe it. There you go. So what needs to happen in your life energetically, uh, you need to do. And there are so many ways to do it. And you may start like I did with an enormous boulder, so big and so heavy that you couldn't move, because that was the only way to get through. The only way for me to get through my rig trial was literally with a boulder sitting inside of me, holding me down. Because I I would have I would, and I tried to do everything in the world to get out of that. Even during it. I mean, so many times I would have I would have quit, but it was like I can't, like it's it's not even mine anymore. Like I've given this thing up, and so um, and I'm I have to say, God, in the worst way, I mean, I'm so glad, not so glad. I'm grateful to have learned that lesson and to have been through those experiences so that I no longer need a boulder. I can now just have like a pillar of boson, the immovable integrity inside of me. Um and that I can now learn how to you know carve that that pillar, so to speak, into an art form. Because I do, I do so much want to engage with the world beautifully. This is my beautiful bouquet right here, and there's a a story, a beautiful story behind it that I'm not going to share, but trust me when I say this bouquet, I spent a fortune on it. And it was worth every penny. It's taught me that there is beauty in every moment, and that I have the capacity to create beauty in every moment. And I appreciate uh the lesson and the gift. I appreciate all that it's taught me. I I would say, I believe, I feel the beauty of this taught me how to bring beauty into these other moments. Um how could I how could I make life an art? How could I make that moment into a moment of art instead of struggle or dictatorship or right or wrong or anything else? Um so more and more this beautiful okay is teaching me the beauty, just the incredible beauty of every moment. Um, my ability to create beauty in every situation. Um, and it goes back to the lesson Eli Connor taught me 20 years ago, almost now. Every breath is precious. And I feel like my mom, like my mom's lesson has just been every your life is precious. Like, but hers is different in that she's she's like so my mom. She's like, your life is precious. Get to work. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. She's like, come on, come on, come on. We don't have time. Come on, come on. Come on. Your life, you are so lucky to be alive. Your life is precious. No, come on, get to work, get to work, get it. She's like that with me, which is so so my mom. I mean, I can she's like a little girl. She's like a young, a young woman, I would say. Like, maybe she's 18. Maybe she's not. I mean, yeah, 18 meaning meaning she's old enough to be, you know, free on her own. Come on, like, come on, come on, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. We've got this whole big life to do. Don't waste your time. Come on, get to work. Like, get to work with life, sort of thing. Not like get to hard work, but just like, come on, get to work. There's all these things we've got to do, and we're gonna do, and it's gonna be great. And come on, come on. Your life is precious, you just don't have that much time. Come on, come on. She's like a rowdy teenager or I was gonna say a rowdy cheerleader or something. I don't know. Can't even, but it's so my mom. It's so my mom. Appreciate her and love her to death. Um, and and and you know, Oz in the immovable, I told you my dad and his lesson of integrity. That's so my dad. My dad is just like if he was gonna, if you were gonna have somebody stand for something and he believed in it, he would. I mean, and I'm not saying the other, and it's funny because my mom's the same way in her. I mean, they could they're interchangeable. It's not like they're not, they're not one-sided beings. I'm just saying those are the lessons that they're each bringing me right now. They could easily shift and change me differently and offer me different ones, and I'm sure they will. But the biggest biggest thing I want to offer today is that integrity is an art form. And I'm I'm super proud of myself because you know, dealing with people is not easy for me. Um, communicating with people is not easy for me. Understanding people is not easy for me. I I find people very confusing and very difficult. They're the most difficult species on this planet for me. Um, and I know many people may say that. I I I personally believe I'm at a great disadvantage. I just don't understand people. Um, I understand energy, and I think that's a confusing thing is I can be present with energy, and the person, the display the person is showing me is so confused. I get so confused because I'm like, that's not the energy. I know it's not, and I don't know what you're doing, and you know, I think that's like People can be so confusing. And here's the thing: I think a lot of times people don't even realize it. I'm like, do you even know that that's not the energy that you are bringing in this like that you are standing in? Like you are like you're standing in a vat of water and you're pretending like you're the desert. Like, I'm so confused by you. You you like, do you understand? Like what you really are. So I think sometimes people know, I think sometimes they don't, and they just confuse it out of me because I'm like, that's not who you like. Can I tell you? Can I tell you? Because I'm right a lot. I just get a shirt that says, um, I write a lot if you want to ask, or something like that. You know, I'll tell you what I think is energetically going on right now. But I think that's why humans can be so confusing to me. Um they can just show so many, they're like, you know, animals that can put on displays that are false. And uh anyway, we'll see. So anyone interested in living a life more integrous with themselves, remember it starts inside yourself. No one is gonna tell you what integrity is because yours is your own, and you'll have to listen deeply to that. Two, uh, it's gonna be probably gonna be incredibly uncomfortable. Otherwise you would have been doing it. Um it uh after well over a decade or more, um, it continues to be incredibly uncomfortable. I don't I don't know if it get obviously it gets I don't know if it gets easier or if we just get better at it, right? Um it may start out blunt and like an axe, but just know that one day it may be, you know, as refined as a feather. So and uh pretty much nobody likes it. It's hard to do with yourself, it's hard to have integrity with yourself, it's hard to have integrity with others. Nobody likes to be told or shown. It's not easy. But it's an incredible conversation to have with the universe. I do believe that when you have when you hold to the integrity that is like sort of your truth, what is true for you inside. Um and not what you it's not what you want. Like I don't this that's not integrity. Uh integrity is often like I want to try to explain this because it's important. Um this owes in the immovable color of integrity. It's not what I want. It is. It is what is in me. It's it's the thing in me that is like this is and it's and this is what is in this moment. That is what you are true to. This is what is in this moment, it's what you are true to. This is what is going, and now you respond to what is the truth in this moment. It's more like that. So you don't get to walk around and I'm trying to think of people that like will take these words and be like, Well, I know I think no, you don't know. Because that's not integrity. Again, remember, integrity is based on energy, um, it's not based on what you think or what you want or what you know. Integrity is tied to energy, and energy is constantly moving, and energy cannot lie, and energy is you know, one of my moments of greatest integrity were like the six weeks earlier this year when I was a living vessel of hate. Was a living vessel of hate, and I was integrous to that because that is what I was, and so I was that knowing full well, speaking about it, experiencing it, learning from it. That's integrity. That's integrity. Integrity is deeply tied to energy, energy is constantly moving and changing, energy is what it is, it cannot lie. I am integrity to the energies. They teach me, I learn from them, I grow, I change. And I would say, I recently had another experience, can't say too much about it. There was the second most abundant love I've ever felt in my life. The first, bless my mother, was the last hug I got from my mom. I've never known so much love. This recent experience was the second most love I've ever felt in my life. And I do not believe I would have experienced either of those loves, and both of them happened. Um, I don't believe I could have experienced those without exploring, uh, without being willing to explore hate and anger and just all the things that aren't love.

unknown 50:12

Right?

SPEAKER_00 50:15

I mean I spent, you know, a solid two years before my mom, I got that lost hug from my mom, um, dealing with a lot of hate and anger for and towards my mom. Um to the point where you know, when she died, it was all gone. It was just peace and joy and love. But I didn't just have peace and joy and love. I went through, you know, I was integritous to all the things. One of the things I've said about myself since I was like, I I kind of realized it like at 18. Maybe even, yeah, I was probably around 18. I was probably graduating from high school and I was like, I'm like a strange dichotomous bee. And I began to realize that I was like, in some ways, I have like very delicate physically, emotionally, mentally, like everything. So I have this like, right, I got a degree in math, this incredibly logical mind. At the same time, I was like, God, I'm like this deeply, like feely, touchy, like malleable, just like not at all like these very analytical, logical minds that I hang out with, you know, at school, and then the rest of my life is nothing like that. And then I would look at my body sometimes, I'm like, I like have the tiniest, most delicate teeny tiny wrists and ankles and waist, and then I like have these huge broad shoulders and hips and long legs, and I was like, I was like, I like have this weird, I'm like this weird dichotomy. I'm like, I'm just extremes. And I would say I would look at the yin-yang and I'd be like, I am black and white, like I'm the yin-yang, literally. I'm like so polarized. Everything about me is so I mean, who goes and like does extreme physical things and then sits and meditates for hours and hours and hours? Like, this is like extreme, extreme, extreme, extreme. I was just like, God, I'm just such an extreme, like in in all the ways. I was like, I'm just so, and I remember so fast forward like 15, 20 years, I guess 20 years, you know, closer to my divorce, and I realized I'm still all those extremes. Like, I just is still, and I and I realized then I was like, it is time to learn how to balance them. They're not going away, they're not changing. This is your whole life, you know. You are you are the number two. You are duality and you're gonna learn how to be duality and you're gonna learn how to balance. And what better gift? I was like, what that's a curse, and what better gift? So 18 years later, uh, post divorce, um I was just I think it was this morning. Well, I've kind of felt it, kind of felt it coming on, but it was this morning um doing all this other stuff, and I had a moment and I was like, I did it. Like I've learned how to balance, and I could just feel energetically feel in my body that myself standing there. I should show you her, maybe I will. She's this beautiful statue I've had for her 35 years. Uh, you know, the giving and receiving. But I, you know, and I was like, I I am the two. I am the one that can hold the masculine and the feminine, the hate and the love, the joy and the sorrow, you know, the the fierceness and the delicacy. Um, my thing is telling me my batter's about to die. I better say goodbye. I wish you luck and I hope that you begin to know not only that there is beauty in all the moments of life that you can create them. Sending so much luck.