#163 Two Rocks, Same Team, Integrity brings Clarity

What happens when two rocks meet, and realize they are on the same team, and play a game so quick it takes only 57 minutes for a home run and game over? Well, clarity is what happens. The two rocks get real clear, real fast. And that's great because none of us has much time! So hurry up!

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SPEAKER_02 0:02

Hello and welcome to the Lucid S podcast where I explore everything because everything is connected to everything else. I don't even have to go into it. Um I want to first start off with a murmuration. If you've never watched videos of a murmuration, I highly suggest you quickly go do that because I'm going to speak about them today. And really, I've never seen one in real life. I was as I was watching one the other day, a video, I thought, you know, there I've got, I've got, I've one day I have to get somewhere where I can see a murmuration. It'll be fabulous. Anyway, so I'm back to integrity. Haven't made it very far because it was my last podcast, and here I am about a week later, and we're still on it. Um, and it's just even gotten more acute. Acute is the word I would use. Um, I might have to I might put on a jacket on a little bit chilly. Um so where to start. Okay. So all this stuff about integrity. And I, as I was speaking to a therapist, I went and saw a new therapist today was to gonna see if maybe um the one I've been working with, it's just been there aren't problems, but but it's not working. I don't know how to just I don't I don't know how to describe it any better than that. But I think it's just that thing where something in you is just like, this isn't it, it's not working. There's not like a necessarily like a the thing or you know, like that can't be worked through, but it's like it's just not working. So I went and saw a different therapist today. Um fascinating, fascinating what happened. Um okay, so integrity, but I was gonna go somewhere else before I got into that. Um let's just dive in. So I go see the therapist after work. Um a very busy, kind of stressful day at work. I get there and I've never met them, so I say that. I'm just like, hey, it's coming off of a very busy, stressful day. This time of year is pretty stressful. Um, it's the busiest time of year. Um, and then I start talking, and like, you know, part of the way I work is oh, integrity. What I figured out. One of the things I really driven home for me today is our biggest integrity is with ourselves. Um, when we're out of integrity with ourselves, it's not gonna, it's not gonna work. But when you're out of integrity with yourself, the lessons come hard and fast, which is a good thing. They're hard and they're fast, but it can be a little brutal and harsh like today. But then they're done. They're you know, it's like, oh shit, I got it, I got it, lesson done. Um, you do have to have a good bit of resilience built up, meaning you have to realize when when you you just have to realize it's okay. So I remember when I started uh many, many, many, many years ago, and it was like okay, you know, and the message was trust yourself above all others. And I thought, well, that's interesting because we need other people to, you know, help sort of mirror and guide. And it was like, nope, my my thing was trust yourself above all others. And and I asked myself when I heard that, another part of me is like, okay, but what if we're what if we make a mistake? What if we're wrong? And it was like, then you'll learn. And I was like, oh, yeah, duh. Now this isn't true for everyone, but but I would say it's true for most of us. I know there's us, there's a major, there's there's, I think it's a minority of people that do not know how to learn from themselves and from the lessons in their life. So I'm not talking to them, I'm talking about the rest of us who do. Um, so I realized when I did that, I was like, okay, if I listen to this um and I and I trust myself above all others, I'm going to be wrong. Absolutely. I'm going to be wrong. And I will learn. I will learn from myself. I will learn from my mistakes. Okay, so it's been many years with that. So, you know, so now, you know, looking for a therapist as I've been going, you know, this thing inside of me is just like it would be the words came to me more clearly today in while I was in this therapy session than they ever have. And it would, it would be wise for you to have assistance as you explore what's inside of you. Now, here's what's interesting. I've spent the last three years exploring what's inside of me due to the rape. But there's I and I thought I would be done, but I'm not. Something is like, no, you're not done. There's more inside of you that needs to be explored. Excuse me. There's more inside of you that needs to be explored. And the words I think are interesting. In previously, when I was dealing with the rape trial, it was it was like it had to be, I had to have help. Like there was no if, ands, or buts. Unfortunately, I had two amazing women that two amazing therapists that helped me. They were both female. Um now the words are different. It would be wise for you to have assistance. So whatever is wanting to be explored, and it doesn't feel like some big deep trauma. It it feels like an exploration of like it's big in that it's like, what is living in me? Like what is what what is what does life want to pull forth out of me? It almost feels like that, which you think, well, that's easy, just live or whatever, but it's it's doesn't seem to be that easy because it seems like whatever life is wanting to pull out of me, it's going to take some like a birth. Okay, let's say, let's say I'm about to birth something and I need a doula or a midwife. I could get an obstetrician, but I didn't choose an obstetrician when I had kids. I chose a midwife because that's kind of the way I lean. So I'm more of a midwife sort of birth birther. Um, so I would uh, you know, so I'm being the what I'm being at, you know, told feels more like a doula or a midwife. Like it would be wise to have assistance. Um this is not going to be an emergency. I don't need an obstetrician um to like do a C-section or whatever. This is not an emergency thing that's happening, but it would be very wise for me to have assistance. So okay, so I go and I've kind of felt this, and I and I know I I've kind of I know what I need, which is new for me. Half the time I would show up to therapy, an absolute mess, and be like, help me, help me, help me. And these women were wonderful, and they did. I would just be like, look, I'm a fucking disaster, just help me put myself together enough to go and do another day of life. So now I'm coming forth and I'm like, oh, I'm getting a clear message of what I need. Like, there's more in me to explore, and I need to somehow get it out, but I need some you know help doing it. And the two men that I've tried to do it with, and I'm I'm gonna throw gender out there because why not? I don't know what it's if it's has anything with gender, but the two men have been so bothered that I knew what to ask for. Granted, well, that's not true with the women. There were times where I was like, I need this, and and they honestly, because I do remember that. I remember when I told the first one when she was when she was gonna retire, and I said, I need to start with someone new now. I need to do both of you at the same time these last two months, because I need to have that in place. And she was like, Absolutely. So there were times, and not just that, but there were times when I told the women, like, I know I need this, and you know what? They were fine. They were like, Okay, that's what you need, let's let's get that for you. Like, so let's do that, I'll do that for you. I'll be whatever. The men, no, no, I was just like, so I don't know. This could not be a gender thing. I'm gonna let it be a gender thing for a minute, and I'll tell you why a little bit later. So I go into this new one, um, a man, probably about 30. Um, and I sit down, I start telling them about my day, and then I say, okay, look, like I know this about me, this is where I know where I'm at, you know, this is what I need, you know. So what I need from you is, you know, this embodied presence. These are the words I keep getting, and um, you know, I need someone to help me stay embodied and present as I like sort of discover what's inside of me, and you know, da da da. And so I talk for a little bit longer, and then something inside of me just gets really, and then I sit quietly for a minute, and something inside of me gets really scared and nervous and about him. And I've thought, okay, this is just say it then. Like, this, and I just said, okay, I'm sitting here and I'm really scared and nervous that you're not. Oh, and I told him, like, you know, please ask me questions, please interrupt me, like keep me, help me stay embodied. And I just said, I feel I'm really scared, I'm nervous. I feel like you're not gonna do it, that you're da da da, you know, that you're you're not gonna follow through, you're not gonna, um, and I get done, and I I'm I'm waiting for him to say, Yeah, no, like, don't worry, I've got it. And he said, Well, yeah, actually, I need to let you know I am a something something. I can't remember. He used a phrase, I don't know if it's real or if he made it up, but basically saying that when anyone tells me that I need to do something, I like automatically refuse to do it. And he's been like that. He said, I've been like that my whole life. And I'm sitting there going, Oh shit. Like, I started laughing. Just like, oh, this is so cool, this is so great. I literally came in and just said, Can you please do this for me? And you and my asking immediately denies me it because of who you are. I was just like, he's like, he's like, I just gotta be honest with you. Like, he's like, um, basically just said, I'm not your person. He didn't he said it in maybe three sentences instead of the one. Yeah, like, I'm not your person. No, I don't, you know, that's not what I do, that's not how I work. You know, a therapist is here to challenge you. You know, if that's if you if you already know that's what you need, you know, I don't know. You know, he kind of he wasn't derogatory, but he also wasn't supportive. He was basically like, I'm not your person, I got it, you know, whatever. And I was, I wanted to get up and I wanted to scream and run out and just say, Yeah, motherfucker, I'm out of here, grab my bag and leave. Because I because at that point I was like, why the fuck am I here again? Like, why am I seeing another therapist? Like, why am I like why do I keep running into this wall? You know, and and strangely, there have been no women available. Like that, you know, I'm only finding men that are. So I'm like, it's gotta be a like, so whatever. So, but something in me wouldn't move. It was just like you are not leaving. And I was like, but it's it's not, it was like, no, it was like you're gonna sit here in this discomfort. I you don't get, I didn't I didn't give a fuck about the guy. I was like, I don't fucking care what he what he thinks. I have to sit here, and he has to sit here, he can't go anywhere. I'm paying him. He has to sit there as long as I sit here. He has to sit here. So I just sat there in silence for a while, and then we kind of like went back and forth, and it was angsty stuff, and this and that, and then that probably went on for like 15 or 20 minutes. Just I don't even know, you know, was like, how do you politely talk to someone that you don't want to talk to because it's never and then I finally just said, God, I just want to get up and run out of here. He's like, You're free to, you can go. And I said, No, I can't. Oh, that's it. We were talking about integrity, and I was saying, I was like, no, integrity isn't action. Integrity is not action. This was so important, and he got it, and I actually was very impressed. I'm like, integrity is not action, it's energy. And and when your energy is integrous, when it's like aligned, it's like all aligned, and it's not like some holy fairy moment. I mean, it is not lovely, you know. Usually when you're in integrity, there was, and I knew in that moment that my integrity was to sit there. I could just feel it. I was like, the my best alignment right now is to sit here in this shit. And I was like, it doesn't feel good at all. And I said in that, I said, I'm feeling so much discomfort. I'm feeling like anxious, and I'm feeling angry, and I'm like, oh my god, this is like this is what I'm feeling, you know. And he was like, Well, just leave. I said, I can't. My integrity is right here. My integrity, my the best alignment of my integrity I know right now is to sit here. So I just have to sit here, and it's so uncomfortable. It doesn't feel good, and integrity just it's just awful. Is that to sit here? And uh so we talked a little bit more about the discomfort and the and the conflict and da-da-da-da-da-da. And I didn't really like his words. I was like, I don't I wouldn't say we're having a conflict, I would say we're both in agreement that we're not a good fit. We we're totally in agreement, there's no conflict going on here. And he's like, Well, yeah, it's just use of words, you know, there's a disagreement. I said, It's not even a disagreement, and I was just like, and he was, God bless him, he's young. And I was just like, I don't even know if he's 30, and it matters. I don't care if I don't care. Once in a while, youth has, you know, there's a lot of wisdom in youth, but there's also a lot of wisdom in experience. And I finally just I was just like, okay, you know what? I closed my eyes and I said, Look, look, I'm gonna figure out this moment because it's important to me. And I was like, we're not having conflict because we're both in agreement. This isn't a good fit, we're not having a disagreement, like we're both in agreement. This is a fit, like we both are like totally happy, we both have integrity with ourselves, you know. And I was, and I just said, I said, it's like we came uh together. It his name also happened to start with an S. Uh let's say it's was uh Stan wasn't, but I was like, oh, it's like Stan and Shelly, and they came together like this, but they're together is like this. They don't go like this, you know, they don't inter entwine or intertwine in any way, which we really all really like to do with other people, right? It feels really good to be safe because you're like, oh, look, we we go like this, and it feels nice. That's how it feels with a friend. But no, Stan and Shelly go. They like don't, they're like, they're both are we're both we both agree we're not a good fit, we're have integrity with ourselves, we're both like being honest, we're both being, and there's like no our meeting is like two rocks or something. And and uh I could tell it was super powerful for him because he used it later back at me. He's like, Yeah, it's like you said, we're like this, you know, and it's important that neither one of us goes like this and like gives in, you know, we need to maintain our integrity and da-da-da. So it was just shitty. It was just like, and I was just like, but I just stayed with it and stayed with it, and I was just like, I don't understand, you know. I and and he this guy doesn't know me at all. And so I'm I'm deeply processing stuff, and he's like kind of touting back shit that I've read in every book. And I just there are times where I was just like, I don't, it's I don't agree with that at all. It's not the way I work, you're not understanding me at all. Granted, this guy's never met me, and and the way I work, like when people have a chance to witness it, it's quite remarkable and it's very fascinating, and it's doesn't go, it's not any fucking textbook. And I think everybody has this ability. Um, but you do have to practice and own it and all that kind of stuff. But anyway, so throughout the thing, and we keep I keep sitting there, and he at this point he realizes I'm gonna sit here until six, whether I'm talking or not, because there are times where it's just quiet, and I just literally am just closing my eyes. There's times where I'm just sitting here and I'm just thinking, my God, I just I feel so much dis. Oh, that an interesting part that we did talk about was when I feel when I don't feel this, when there's some kind of disagreement or conflict. I know those are the words, or or there's just a a meeting that doesn't sort of just meet meeting of rocks, so to speak. Um, it leaves me feeling, uh, and he was saying it too. He's like, I'm feeling a lot of discomfort myself. This feels like a very raw moment. Um, and I said, Yeah, it's like there's nothing to hold on to, like, but you know, like there's you know, two hands like this, there's nothing to hold on to. You know, you're kind of like it could slip any minute, it could, you know, so in a way, you're you're you're trusting the other person who's gonna hold their integrity and not fold or collapse, you know, because that then you know they're full of shit because you're like, that wasn't true for you, and we all both know it, you know. But also, is it gonna suddenly like slip away and you're like, uh, you know, it's like so it was like the two of us were both holding it, but it was very uncomfortable. It was raw, it was it was intense. Um, and it reminded me of a murmuration. Because as I was sitting there, all I could feel was just like energy, just like if you watch a murmuration, it's just like try not to watch it literally, you know. I'm feeling I'm feeling very condescending, right? I'm not I'm not feeling condescending, but I feel like I sound condescending. When you watch the murmuration, try to watch it as energy, you know, because that's what it is. The birds are showing you the flow of energy that we don't get to see. It's like smoke or wind, but they they do it so magically. So as I was sitting there, I was like, I feel like the murmuration in the energies are just like through me and between us. We're just like, and I was like, wow, this place, it feels scary. And I said that, I said it feels scary, I don't feel safe, I feel confused, I don't know what's going on, it's just intense. It's just like it's so much energy, it's just like you know, and I was just like, oh my gosh, this is like, and I thought this is why one of the reasons why I don't like to meet in these places because you don't know what's gonna happen next. You know, is the person gonna fold? Are you gonna fold? Um, are you know, is somebody gonna slip away and suddenly like do something harsh or you know, abrupt, or and then kind of there's not in this, there was actually an incredible amount of safety and security, even though it was terrifying, because you don't know if the other person's gonna hold their their part. Like I was, you know, but in a way we were kind of lucky because we both knew we were there till six o'clock, because I had stated, I'm here till six, and he goes, and you know, I'm sure he's going, Oh fuck, I'm here till six too.

SPEAKER_00 18:05

Then like I have to sit here with this lady until six.

SPEAKER_02 18:08

So in a way, we both were kind of like, yep, we're both stuck here, and we both stated our case, and neither one of us is we both knew the other person wasn't gonna change in the next four to five minutes or whatever. So it was in a way that was kind of the safest it could be in this situation because neither one of us, you know, we were like, Well, you gotta sit there and I gotta sit here, and we're gonna talk about what that's like because that's where we are. So it was interesting for me because I did, I checked in and I was like, Should I should I change? I was like, No, there's nothing wrong, you know, and and we both took turns saying the obvious, which was like, no one's right here and no one's wrong. Like this just you're in a different, you know, you're in a place where you know, someone comes to you and says, I want you to do this, and you you're immediately like, hell no. And I'm in a place where I'm like, I need this, and someone says, I can't give it to you, and I'm like, hell no. Like, this is what I know I need. If you can't give it, I you know. So, but through the through the course of that conversation, you know, there were times again, like I said, where it was I was just quiet. And he started just being quiet with me, like, well, here's this lady's just gonna sit here, I'll just gonna sit here. I don't know what he was thinking, but um, as I started talking, I just started processing out loud, and I was just like, okay, I keep, I know, you know, you know, this thing, this embodied presence, and it would be be wise to have assistance. And and then I started saying, you know, I I thought it would, I thought it should be with therapists, but maybe it's not with therapists, like maybe maybe it's outside of the therapy space, maybe I no longer need a therapist. And and in that moment, I just kind of was like, Oh, maybe it's not in the therapy space, and maybe I no longer need a therapist. And he said, I think that's true. He said, That feels true to me, and I was like, Well, yeah, because it is. I didn't say that, but I was like, duh, like anyone tuned into someone else is immediate, and I we were very tuned into each other because this was you know a lot of intense energies, and I was like, Yeah, and I was like, Oh, I hadn't realized that, like I hadn't realized um that maybe I'm I've been looking, I I've been sort of given this thing, like this is what you need, like it's time to sort of delve even deeper in here and pull forth what is time to pull forth to birth this new whatever. Um, and I've I just assumed it would be with a therapist, and then today was the first time where I was like, Oh, I don't, I don't think it is. I don't, I think the therapy space is too rigid. Um and there needs to be um with someone in with us in a space that where it's okay for it to be dynamic. Um that it's okay. You know, it was funny because at one point he's just kind of got caught up in, well, I think if you want to know more about yourself, you should just do more with the outside world. Um, and you don't need to do it be any more introspective, like and I'm thinking, dude, like I'm so fucking tired of like here's the thing, and I I listened, I was so proud of myself because I just listened, I was good at just listening, you know, and and to the point where he was like, What do you think? I mean, like, me like he'd run out of what he had to say, and he actually said, Well, what do you think? And I said, Um, actually, no, I don't agree. I said, I don't agree because I trust myself. I know that I have excellent guides, guardians, ancestors, spirits. I don't even know intuition, but it's excellent at leading me. I have come to trust it so dearly, like it's it's dear to me. Um Over the last, you know, three plus really the last three years, but even before that, but very much over the last three years. Um, and I said it's not like it leads me to like these wonderful, you know, excursions. It's not like we're just like fairy tales over here. Like it's hard stuff it asks me to do. But when I listen and I I do it to the best of my ability, it it always goes well. And so this doesn't negate other people being mirrors, that is also part of my life. I have plenty of that as well. Um, but this is a very intimate piece that I feel it would be wise for me to have assistance. So I've been looking for this assistance, and today is the first day I finally kind of got. Oh, this I don't think it's a therapist, but which which leaves me, there's there's nobody, I can't think of anybody. And I'm like, well, I guess they're not here, or I don't know. I honestly don't know. I don't know what's gonna happen, but so this was one of the most fascinating um experiences to let to be like this, to be this intimate with someone. I mean, we were that intimate with each other and and not have any uh close, we were not close. We were very intimate with each other, but we did not get close. I d I I it doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense, that's how it was. We were a million miles away, but we were very intimate with each other, but we were not close. And neither one of us, you know, felt the need to he he did say something later that was a little bit um judgmental and derogatory, uh, and I just thought, and something in me kind of reared up and was kind of, and I just said, um, I said, you know what? I'm sorry that you're not gonna have a chance to witness what it's like to help to help me um explore what's inside of me. Um it's not normal. I don't think everybody can do it the way I can, and it's it's truly profound and beautiful. And what comes out is not like, oh Shelly, you're now going to be a such and such. No, it's like the the the deepest mysteries of life come out of me and they're revealed for me. Like I'm learning. I'm like, oh my god, look at I had no idea. I had no idea. And whoever is assisting also gets to be part of that. And um it's just so it's it's a profound experience. And I just said, I'm sorry you're not gonna see that because you because he was saying it's it was he was saying it was I was being too rigid. This was and this was near the end. And I just said it's far, this process is far more dynamic than you imagine. And I hope, I said, I hope I see he said, I said, I'm gonna give you a gift, open it or not, I don't care. I said, I hope you learn to be less rigid, and that when someone comes into you and says, I know the way, can you help me? That you don't just automatically say no. And he said, I will take that. And I said, Okay. And I said, and there may come a time where you know I meet someone and they're like, You can't tell me what to do. Um, well, I think I've met them and my fucking kids. I've already met two of them. Never mind, I've met two. I met more than two, but yeah, no, my kids. I can't tell my kids. It was funny, I was laughing. It was just actually just this morning. I was cleaning my house uh before I went to work, and I was like, you know what? The problem with raising free-thinking independent people is the children, is they grow up to be free-thinking independent adults, and it's like you like kicked yourself, you like it's like kicking yourself in the ass.

SPEAKER_01 26:00

I was like, I have these free-thinking, independent adults that like they got it. I'm just like, well, shit.

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You know, I should have I should have raised these needy, like insecure, like you know, blinded. You know, of course I would never do that, but I'm just saying. So we ended up leaving. Um, I just thought, and then near the end, I can't really how remember how we ended it, but suddenly it was like whatever had like remember I spoke last time about like the pillar. This time I would say it was like a stake. It was like staked me to the ground and I couldn't move. I literally, I was like, I can't move, I cannot leave. I cannot leave. I just knew I couldn't leave, and then it was just a few minutes before six o'clock, and something kind of and I was like, I'm done. And I just said, you know, I just I did, I said thank you so much. I said, I um I would not have got I have I'm I got the next step. I said I I'm clear that the next step is that I probably don't need therapy anymore. Um, well, and I at some point he's like, he's like, isn't the goal is to not need therapy? And I said, I don't have I don't have a judgment about it. Needing therapy, not needing therapy, like I'm better because I don't need therapy, or I'm worse because I do. I'm just like, he's like, well, well, if you don't need therapy, then you can do it all yourself. But this was our middle of our conversation. I was like, what's the point of that? I said, there's so much we have to do on our own. I said, I think the gift we give each other is that when we go to each other and we need your help. I'm like, that is one of the most beautiful gifts you can give someone is to say, I need your help. And they could because then they come, someone else comes to you and says, I need your help. I need your help. I can't do this alone. I need your help, I can't do this alone. So I was like, dude, like it's not about doing it alone. There you have to do so much alone. The bits that we can share are fucking gifts, like it's a gift, but hey, anyway. So at that point, I was just like, okay, we're so at that point, we were like that at that moment. I was like, okay, this isn't even my base. It's like, you know, and I just said no. Like, I don't think I'm I you know, the goal for me is not to do therapy or not do therapy. Like, I don't think I'm better or worse either way. I'm I'm okay, so listen to this. The fact that I'm probably gonna stop therapy for a while, I am not fucking better. I'm just not gonna go to therapy for a while. Like it didn't, you're not fixed because you're not going to therapy, and you're not broken because you do. This is so stupid, it's so frustrating to me. This is like so myopic, like boy, open your eyes. Okay, so I mean, because that would be, I mean, that's ridiculous. Whatever. Okay, so but I did say thank you. I needed you to like hit that he needed to be the wall that I hit so hard that I had to go, okay, I'm not getting and I said it, I said it to him like three minutes in. I said, I'm not getting him, I'm not getting the message. I'm I I knew it when I was sitting there. I was like, I'm I'm I just walked in and you said this to me. I'm I'm like, I'm I'm missing it. Like I just literally just I hit my head against the wall, and I'm like, I don't, I'm not seeing it. And I was like, I don't know what I'm not seeing. I even said I told him I said I feel blind, like I'm not seeing something, and I don't know what. Took about 48 minutes before I was like, oh, I don't, I don't think it's gonna happen with a therapist. You know, maybe it wasn't that far, I don't know where, but I was like, oh yeah, I don't think this is the space. This is what's gonna happen. I know the kind of the what and the how, but I have been wrong about the who and the where. Like I don't know who can assist me, and I don't know where it's gonna be happened, but it's not gonna be in therapy. So I did thank him. I said, I I honestly do appreciate it. It was excellent for me to have to sit through all that discomfort to sit with someone where we clearly, you know, we were raw and intimate with each other, but there was no closeness, and that was how it was the whole time, you know, just and also to notice the little nagging doubts, like, well, is there something wrong with you? Like, should you do it his way? No, it's not, no, I'm not, no, and they're no, we're not, no, that's not it, that's not it. And and the thing is, is I've already done three years with these other therapists, and there were plenty of times where I knew they were right, where I was like, Oh god, I never saw it that way. You're right, right? So it's not if I was always saying that, then I'd have be concerned about, but that's not it. I spent three years going, I never staring at them, going, I never saw that. I didn't know that. Like, wow, that's a whole new paradigm for me. It's a whole new vision, it's a whole new perspective. So I'm open to it, but the this one is like this one's not moving. It's like we are telling you what is next for you, and you need to figure out what you know. And I guess I like I've had these therapy blinders on, like it's gonna happen in therapy, and now it's like, oh, it's not gonna happen in therapy. I don't know where, I don't know how, I don't know who, I don't know what's going on you know. I but I've at least got these blinders off, and thanks to this therapist today who got them off. So I did, I said thank you, and I meant it. I stood up, I shook his hand, and um, I think he was like totally probably bewildered. And he just said, I just said, I have to say, like, this has been the most amazing experience. Like, I'd never have people walk in and are this open and authentic and vulnerable, and just like like you just laid it all out there. And I just said, I can't, I don't know how to be anybody else anymore but who I am. Like the the the rape trial is like was my what look at that, it makes the whole thing shake. That's kind of cool. Um, you know, that was like my wake-up call. You know you're dying, you know you're dying. You're you're you could die tomorrow. Like it's like it was like my wake-up call. If you're gonna live, you better fucking live today because you do not know you're gonna be alive tomorrow. Um, so my time is just like, I just, it's like, oh, it's just like I literally can feel it just like slipping through my hands. It's just like it's just so precious, and you can't hold it, and you can't have it, and you can't keep it, you can't take it. Nothing. It's nothing, and yet it's everything. So, you know, and so it, and then as I walked out his door, there was a there was like a big thing outside in the hallway. Um, and it said, we're on the same team, and it was like all these different characters around it. And I was like, and I realized in that moment, I don't think he understands what I said, because as I walking away, I was like, Oh, we're on the same team. This guy and I are on the same team. Listen up, and I go, I keep walking, and I go, we're on the and I go, so I kind of reach back, and you know, he's over here, and I like go, we're on the same team. I said, This is us, we're on the same team, and I can see him go, like this massive confusion on his face, and then I walk out, and we, he and I are on the same team. We are two people with an incredible amount of integrity. We're on the same team. We didn't, we didn't play together, you know, we didn't, we didn't get close, we didn't, but we're on the same team. I was like, I met somebody on the same team as me, somebody with a lot of integrity. That's not nothing. I got to experience somebody like me. They're not easy. He wasn't an easy guy, certainly not easy, wasn't malleable, wasn't amenable, wasn't uh yeah, like he was him. He was him, and he got to meet someone like himself. We're on the same team, you know, and I could tell in a way we were both, and what's interesting at some point in the conversation he did talk about because I I said I I brought up, I was like, you know, there's at some point I was like, there's some part of me that like almost wants to collapse, you know, like like I'm wrong, like collapse, like I'm wrong. And but another part of me was like, no, you are not, you are staying strong right here. Don't move, don't move. And I some part of me was like, nope, don't move. And he said, he said, I have that same tendency. He said, I I I can collapse. He said, I tend to do it with um strong older men. He said, I almost become like infantile with them, which I thought was interesting. I was like, oh, that's funny. Um, strong older men wouldn't do that with me, but whatever. Um, so but so so we are he and I are on the same team. But isn't that interesting when you meet somebody that's on your team, you might not play the game with them. You might not be able to play. I mean, we did, we played, but uh it wasn't a it wasn't was like a was like a home run. It was like we played and we did a home run. We're done. Just like that. That's how good we played. That's how that's how good the two of us were together. We had a home run in 60 minutes, a 60-minute home run, 57 minutes home run, we're done. So it was fascinating, was fascinating. Um, and just like a deeper lesson of integrity and also what it's like when you meet somebody, when you meet someone that's gonna hold their integrity, it ain't roses. You know, it's also not thorns. It was, and we talked a little bit about that. It wasn't like it wasn't like I said, the word that came to me was discomfort, it was intense, it was discomfort, there was some fear, it wasn't painful, my body wasn't in pain. Uh, so it's not like it's thorns or roses, it was just like, damn, what is you know, I have met a presence, and my presence has met a presence, and we are presency together. Um so it was just it was really fascinating. So I'll so I won't go see him again. So we're done. We had a home run. Uh there's there's nothing there. I don't, I'm not gonna make an appointment with another, I'm not gonna try to find another therapist. I think I've figured out that that's not the that's not the way for me right now. Um and and it is kind of in a way, it's it is kind of I'm a little bit sad um because I have appreciated you know having someone to go talk to every week where I could say anything about anybody, you know, and they would listen. And that is that's not really a relationship, I know. And I've said it before, it's staged. Like I've known that it's staged. Um, but so that that you know, I'll kind of miss that part of it. Um, but also I've gotten so much. I mean, I can't I can't thank the women, the other two therapists I've had. I mean, just such immense their wisdom, their support, um, you know, them just believing in me as I went through that. And um, yeah, just so it's just been really, yeah. So I still have the the first gentleman. We still have um a few sessions. I don't know how many we're kind of we haven't said a thing, but you know, as we slowly move through, I don't it might be a quick, like maybe we'll hit a home run and but just move through goodbye, um, whatever that means for me. And like I said, I'm doing it because I'm doing it because there is so much discomfort for me and goodbyes. There's more than just discomfort. I mean, there can be there's pain, there's loss, there's grief. I feel like it's all like it like it's the end of the world. Like it's the end, you know, of something very big. It's the end of my life or something. Um, and I know that sounds uh dramatic, but that is how it feels. Like there, you know, endings are hard for me. Um, and so I'm I don't want to rush it. I just like I want to, and I I do think he'll I know he'll give me the time, whatever time I feel like I need to process. And and what it is is it's not hit us, me ending therapy isn't really the issue. It's it's endings. So I'm using, and I've talked about this before. It's like it's like when someone dies, um, that maybe wasn't a major part of your life, but you're suddenly grieving as though it's the end of the world. And I've always you know said it's like pulling the plug in a in a big bathtub. Um, you only put in a cup full for this one, you know, this one funeral, but suddenly it's you have all this grief channeling through. So I'm allowing this goodbye to be a channel of goodbye, um to spend time, you know, with goodbyes and and the goodbyes in my life and what does it mean and how does it feel, and um can I can I process goodbyes more efficiently, effectively, healthfully, um, and and accurately, you know, I uh this whatever's kind of story I have, uh belief system, whatever that I have built around it is not correct. Even the emotional responses uh are I would say are out of balance. So um okay, so there we go. I don't even know what to call this podcast. I mean it's like integrity. It's not even I was this one was it was I mean it was about integrity, but it was also about just like meeting your mirror. I mean, strangely, I probably saw myself more clearly in this person um or I saw parts of myself that I often don't see mirrored back at me. Um, and I got to experience what those parts are like, and that's invaluable, and also to feel the power of it, like there was so much power in his, and neither one of us really we weren't we weren't upset with the other person, and we didn't raise our voices, we didn't get nobody got really nasty, angry, anything like that. But it was uh the power of him just being like, this is just how I am, and the power of me just being like, Yes, this is where I am, this is what I need. Um there's I don't I've never I don't know if I fully experienced the power in that kind of integrity, and the integrity of just knowing, just this personal knowing, not knowing a fact, like this isn't like I know more than you, I've read more than you, I can out debate you. It's that knowing that nobody else can know for you ever. And the power of that is, and when you know that and and you align with that, immovable, immovable, ozone the immovable, which I think I said the abyss, it's called made in abyss is the anime. I think I said it wrong last time, and I think I forgot to post it. I'm so bad. I just I'm lucky to get these damn things up, honestly. It's such a pain. Um, so and then I recently um I'm back on the an anime streak. I have I haven't thought about animes in years and years and years, but I remember my kids were probably six or seven, so we're talking 20 years ago, maybe probably when it first came out. And I was in a yoga class, and at the end the instructor played this beautiful piece of music, and it was in Japanese. I could tell it was Japanese, but didn't know it, you know, anything. And I um went up to them afterwards and I said, That was such a beautiful piece of music. What is it from? And they said, Oh, it's from um a movie, and it's an anime. I'd never heard the word, and I was like, uh, huh? That's it. And they said, Oh, well, it's called Howell's Moving Castle, and it's really hard to find. But if you could find it, I think you might like it. I said, Okay. So I started searching around. I mean, this is literally 20 plus years ago. I mean, it I don't know when it came out, but it was probably right close to the beginning. And uh, and I remember I had to like I had to like order a bootleg copy from China or something. Like I just couldn't even find the thing, and you couldn't watch it. There was like nobody showing it in America or anything, you know. And then I'm thinking, and I look at the picture on the front, I'm like, what the hell? Like, I am a I am, you know, I am a hard math person. Like, I am not into this stuff. And I was just like, oh my gosh, but I have to get it because the song was so beautiful, and And if you've ever watched Howell's Moving Castle by Hayo Miyazaki, a Japanese anime, at the very end, there she's the woman singing in Japanese. And that was the song I'd heard during yoga. So Howell's Moving Castle was my first anime. And I'd never seen an anime, but you know, these cute little pictures on the front. And so I sit down with my two kids one day and we watch it.

SPEAKER_01 44:28

It was scary. There were times where they were quite scared and we had to stop it. And I was thinking there were times where I was like, maybe we shouldn't watch this. And I'm like, this doesn't look like the cover. Like, what's the what is going on?

SPEAKER_02 44:41

This is really scary. Um, but they were like, no, no, no, like we we want to watch it. And fortunately, you know, it it ends well. So, and I remember just crying and crying and crying and thinking, it was the most beautiful movie. And I wasn't sure what I'd just seen. I had no idea. And I would say that was the beginning of me be um learning to listen and to hear um beyond beyond my logical mind. And it's definitely uh, I would say it's definitely a journey of uh love, obviously. Um for me, it was the a journey of uh the masculine and feminine, um, allowing those two to be wedded in harmony within me, which I've recently talked about, um, that they've they've done. I never, I never even, I sort of, I always knew it was a thing that should be done, but I was it was so daunting and I was so terrible. I would just swing from one to the other, you know, so just drastically and dramatically, and there was no balance, and I just thought I'm never gonna, I'm not even gonna try to figure out this masculine and feminine thing. It's just way too hard, and da-da-da. And by God, it just sort of happened, and now I can just feel it, and I go, oh, I guess that's what it means to, and I see it in my life, the the way I live now is very very similar, uh, but balanced. But balanced. Um I'm hopeful um I'm hopeful that some other things will come into balance now that now that that is it's funny because it was funny because at one point with this with this Stan, not Stan, his name's not Stan, but we're gonna call him Stan with this therapist today. Um he said he was he was sort of he had a few things where he was a little bit, I don't know if he was being condescending or derogatory, but it felt a little bit like it, where um he's like this embodied presence thing. I've never even heard this term before. Like I really don't even know what you're talking about. And I was like, you've never heard it because I made it up. I said, those are the words that came to me. Those are the words that came to me. That is what I'm working on. Embodied presence. And he just kind of sat there. And I want to say, yeah, motherfucker, it's not in a book. It doesn't mean it doesn't exist, it doesn't mean it isn't valid, it doesn't mean it isn't the most precious and priceless thing we have. I just the funny thing is, is I'm asking someone to help me with what I consider, and I think many people would consider the most priceless gift that we have is our embodied presence. You can be present and not really be embodied. Embodied presence, feeling your body, being present with your body is you're the universe. You literally unlock the whole fucking universe. Okay, so then I came home. This is what I want to get to, this whole mask, masculine, feminine, gendered, blah, blah, blah, blah. I get home and I start making dinner. Um, and I just kind of am clicking through some. I was like, I was like, I was very agitated. I was very, this was like it was interesting because I wasn't upset, but my nervous system was like, it was like very I'm curious to see if I sleep tonight. Like it was it, like I said, I don't understand it because I wasn't upset, but my nervous system was like, I could feel that shaking inside of me. And I could feel it all through the whole session, and I was just like, oh well, here we go. Welcome to Shelley Land, where the nervous system goes, and um, so I was like, I I need I need to try to calm down. So I was just like quickly was flipping through something on YouTube or something, and I was like, Oh, let's just find what what is there? And I saw uh some little blurb and it said Gina Davis, and what's her name, that great actress that I love. Oh, I've forgotten her name. Thelma and Louise. It'll come to me in a minute. Um, I have never seen Thelma and Louise.

unknown 49:32

Never.

SPEAKER_02 49:33

Uh, but it would, this was it, this was a behind the scenes. It was just like this little you know YouTube thing behind the scenes. So it was uh they were the actresses and the actors were talking about what it was like to make the movie, and then also kind of like the aftermath that happened after it, um, which I remember a bit about, but you know, not much. I've never kind of been in the movie scene, so I miss a lot uh when it comes to movies. But as I was listening, I just the gender thing came up for me. I I felt like I felt like I ran into like the masculine with both these men, um, where they were like, yeah, but you they both said, and they both said to me, you I I'm here to challenge you. And I'm thinking, there's more than one fucking way. Like, I don't, and they just they couldn't, I wanted to, and I didn't even say it, but I just thought, you don't have to. The the way the other the female therapist never challenged me. Well, the challenge didn't come as a challenge. I didn't ever hit a you know, I didn't have to hit the brick wall. It was, you know, have you thought about it this way? And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the brick wall, but I'm saying there's more than one way, and and I feel like I gave both of them an opportunity. Like, would you like to learn about embodied presence? Like, would you like to just ask me what I am feeling in my body? And the first one didn't say no, but he just wasn't able to. Uh, and the second one was flat out no. No. And his wasn't even about that. His was just like, he's gonna say no to anything anybody tells him he needs to do. And he was, that's what he said. I wish I could remember what it was called. He had a term for it, so there must be a term. But basically, if anyone says I need to do something, I refuse to do it. This is sick. You're a therapist? Okay. Anyway, it was lovely. He was, he served his, he played his role beautifully, and I finally got the message that I haven't been getting, which is that what I need to do is I know what I need to do, but it's not gonna happen the way I think. Which what's new?

SPEAKER_00 51:54

I mean, seriously, that's never how it goes. So, anyway. Okay, that took way longer than I thought. Oh god, way longer than I thought. Blah blah blah blah blah.

SPEAKER_02 52:07

I want you to know, I recorded like an hour and a half podcast the other night, and it was brilliant. And when I got done, I realized I hadn't unmuted the kid the microphone. And so the whole thing is in 90 minutes of silent, like a silent movie. So you never get to hear it, and I thought, well, and honestly, when I got done, I was like, oh man, I I said some things I don't know that I should share. Uh uh, not just not just like personally, but just galactically, universally, cosmically. Um in this time and space anyway. So so I just thought that was funny. I was like, I can't believe I just did a 90-minute podcast on mute. I didn't do that this time. Um hey, here's my gift to you. Open it or not. Um I'd like you to, I would, I would really like this. I am literally asking because I would like people to begin doing this. I'd like you to learn to find your alignment of integrity. And again, it's don't worry so much about the action. Like you'll and don't, it's not beautiful and wonderful. Don't go looking for roses, it doesn't also have to be thorns, okay? Like, but there's like an alignment in there. Though if you're listening and you care, the universe will give you this moment. I swear to God. There will be a moment where a decision is to be made, and you're not gonna have a lot of time to think about it. And in that moment, you'll feel an alignment, and you'll know the answer of your integrity that is your that where you are integrous with the energy of your being, with the answer that. Just answer that and see what you learn, and there will come another moment, very similar, in that you will you will feel the alignment, you'll feel the integrity, the integrous, you know, this integrous beam running through you, and you will not you will not listen, you will not stay integris. See how it goes, see how that goes, and just begin to notice like what happens when I stay in integrity? What happens when I don't? You know, and and uh and sometimes the choices are inside of you, right? Like they're they're choices you make with yourself, the choices you make with yourself, they are choices you make with and for yourself, and those matter enormously. I don't know, possibly more than the ones that you you know make with others. I don't think there has to be a scale, I don't think one is better or greater than the other, they're all important, but attuning yourself to your own integrous beam of light. If we all did that. If we all did that, I don't think it's a world of, I do think it's a world of peace, but not in the way you think. It's this, it's you know, a home run in 57 seconds because two rocks met each other and went, yep. I mean, it's it it was peaceful. It was peaceful. It's like um, who is it that says uh peace is not the absence of conflict? It's I don't remember Nelson Mandela Gandhi. I don't know. I'm so I can't think right now, but anyway, um there was peace. Uh there wasn't closeness, but there was peace. Uh integrity would wow change the world literally. Okay, blah blah blah. I've been saying goodbye for like almost 10 minutes. You guys take care. Bye bye.