#165 Glorious Wisdom: The Octopus

I am an octopus. 🐙 And it’s hard to explain. But here, I try. And in so doing, I understand a bit better what it’s like to be in relationship with one. 😂 Plus, all the glorious wisdom they offer. 

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to the Loop to Death podcast where I explore everything. Because I believe everything is connected to everything else. I also believe in the infinite unbounded potential within each of us. And part of my journey is exploring that and sharing what I find. And I'm grateful for this morning. It's a lazy Sunday morning. And it's been a while since I've had one. I've been looking forward to it for a long time. And I wasn't planning on doing a podcast. That's how most of my podcasts go. But this morning, I have so much inside of me. And it's like congealed wisdom. That's not right. And I think those are the those are the things that are most important to share. But what I think is so fascinating is I don't think many people realize it, recognize it, and I think some people maybe haven't even experienced it, or they haven't consciously experienced it. I do believe it's happened, but they haven't experienced it because there's a lack of awareness and consciousness. Um awareness and consciousness are uh are although they are given that they just exist for everyone, it doesn't mean they're utilized. It's like having a body. Uh every human being has one, but it doesn't mean every human being is actually utilizing their body to even its medium potential, let alone its fullest potential. So let's start with the octopus because that's what today is going to be all about. Um I've had this octopus on my water bottle for many, many years, and I remember when I first saw that documentary, The Octopus Teacher. I felt like someone had finally described me. Um let's start with, I was born in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Um I was in that ocean, you know, not long after. I when I'm in water, it's home. I'm a Pisces. I mean, I just I am water. Water and water and water and water. Fluid and flowing and all the things. The way I dance, when people see me dance, they're just like, oh my gosh, where did you train? I'm like, I've never had a moment of training. And it's like movement and motion and flow are just my natural state. So it's easy for me to know when I'm out of balance because things become rigid. It's actually something I've asking for right now with help from the universe and the ancestors, is to help me heal my rigidity. Those moments where I become rigid and certain are the words that I'm using to help me heal those. Um rigidity to me is different than is not is not healthy. There are other words that can, like a mountain is healthy. I don't think rigidity is healthy. That is a sidetrack, so we're not gonna go there today. We're gonna stay with the octopus. One of the things um that was so fascinating to me, and I when I watched the octopus teacher, that documentary, was here's the noise that that goes with my experience. Only speed that up really, really fast. And I would watch watch the octopus, and she would just change and change and change her skins and so rapid and so drastic, and I was like, oh my god, that's how I feel. And it reminded me of a conversation that I'd had uh probably 15 years before that. And I was talking to um a much older woman, and an old, an aged, beautifully aged woman that I respected. And and they said to her, I said, sometimes I don't recognize myself. And she said, What do you mean by that? And I said, Well, I can't tell if I'm pretending or playing, or like if I'm like a chameleon or something, and she said, Well, describe to me what what you're saying. I said, Well, when I'm in, you know, a certain environment, it's like I'm like this, and then when I'm in a different one, I'm like this, and there are times when I can be like this, and there are times when I'm like this, and there she said, Okay, I understand that. So you like have all these different skins or faces or whatever you know you want to call them. And I said, Yes, and she said, and inside, are you are you being yourself? And I thought for a moment and I said, Yes, like I'm I'm not pretending, I just have that many skins, like I just can put on that many skins and be that many people, and I'm being authentic in that moment, in that environment. You know, as sort of as as the environment sort of, you know dictates in a way. Um sometimes it's what I would say now is an environment can receive certain skins better than others. It doesn't mean I always wear the skin that that will be received, but it's eas it's oftentimes easiest, and I don't have any there's oftentimes no need to resist the environment or or whatever, and there's plenty of ways when I do resist, um, so I'm not I'm not worried about that. And anyone that knows me isn't worried about that either. Um, but I and that's when I and she's like, well, if that's nothing wrong with you being able to sort of put on these different skins in these different environments, if inside you feel like you're being yourself. Um and obviously there are times when I 100% put on a fake skin and I am not being myself and and I choose to do that. So I'm that but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about me being my authentic self with this capacity to put on different skins in different environments and different situations, blah blah blah. Okay, so I'm gonna take this further. That's a whole conversation in and of itself. I'm not having that one today. We're gonna take a step further. I want to talk about a moment, it was the moment where I was given a gift by this very young child who was a very old soul, and he's no longer with us. His name was Eli Connor. And he gave me a gift. Um and in that moment when he gave me the gift, it was like it was this instantaneous skin that was like flowed through me and and became me for this instant, and I knew what it was to be this skin, and it was a new skin for me. And it was the skin of a divorced woman who who goes on to live life. So he gave me the gift of that experience of feeling what it would be like, of knowing, of knowing what it was to be a divorced mother with two children and no alimony and no child support, and I had to be completely reliant on myself. And in the instant that that gift was given, and and that skin was placed upon me, I knew what it was to be that. I didn't know I wasn't I wasn't suddenly that. I was it wasn't that. I wanted to discover a huge difference. I knew what it was to be that, but I wasn't that. I didn't know how to be that, I didn't know where or when or what, or I mean I had no clue. I just knew that I had worn that skin, that the gift had been given, that I had worn that skin, and I knew that's where I needed to go and what I needed to do, even though I was completely clueless and terrified to do it. So that was the first time I clearly remember. I was I'm very conscious of the moment when the gift was given, and the skin was an instantaneous, imagine the octopus skin changing, and there it was. And once I had known it in that way, there was no going back. I couldn't unknow that that was a possibility, that I could be a divorced mother with two children, no child support, no alimony, and somehow I could make it. I could stand on my own two feet. There have been many times since then where I've had those experiences. Where something will happen, a gift will be given. Sometimes it's by another person, sometimes it's by a plant, sometimes it's by an animal, sometimes it's by an element, um, sometimes it's simply by the moment, sometimes it's by an ancestor, sometimes it's by a guide or a guardian or some other thing that I can sense, but I don't have any clue what it is, and suddenly just like that, the skin is given, and I am I am known. I am known to that, and it is known to me, and there's no going back. And those moments are gifts. Um they're they're often not very easy to then I mean the gift is the gift is instantaneous and it's beautiful, and I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I'm aware of them. I'm grateful that I'm so attuned and and keen to those moments. And I trust them, and once the skin is given, there's no giving it back, at least in my case. I've never tried, but it just has seemed like you can't um know the truth of the truth of it. And so I've just but the interesting thing is the skin is like given, but there's no answers. It's just like this is this is what's next. And I just and oftentimes I go, I don't even really I don't even really know what that skin is. I can feel it and I can learn to embody it, and I can learn to be it and carry it and flush it when I need to flush it, you know, become it, sort of so to speak. But I don't even really know what it is. I don't know how to get there, I'm not sure where I'm going, I don't know what I'm w a lot of times I think, when am I ever gonna use that? Like I can't even imagine when I'm gonna use that. I don't even that doesn't make any sense. And I would say I would say I still have skins that I've been given that I've learned to like fully inhabit and and become and live in that. I don't know if if I'll ever if I'll ever need to use to the capacity that I could. Meaning the skin that I had to learn to in to fully fill and to be able to wear and be in order to testify at the rate, and then not to have to testify at the rate for the rate I I don't know if I'll ever actually need to use that one. Although I have to say there are times when I I partially put it on, absolutely and and so it's and maybe it's just knowing that it's there, you know, maybe that's part of my life as an octopus in a human body, is I know that if if a sit if I'm in a certain situation that it's there. I know how to I know that skin, I know that environment, I know how to put it on if I need it. And I can't tell you why, but it feels like that's an important part of my journey. Is this adaptability, being able to put on the skins as needed in in in an instant, in an instant, to instantaneously respond to what's happening in the universe. Like that that's that's vital to my to my experience here is to understand not only that it's a capability, it's a capacity that that a human can learn and be and do, but to be able to learn and be and do it to to whatever measure I'm able. And there are absolutely times, you know, at work where a certain c client will walk in and immediately like I just feel they don't even spoken and I just I feel a s a skin come on and I I heat the moment I hear my voice, hello, may I help you? And I'm like, everything's changed. I am suddenly dealing with this customer in a completely different manner, and they haven't opened their mouth, you know, and then you know, or or just and some it's some it's funny because sometimes I don't even see them. There's a they can step into like this outer part of my office and and I will hear their voice. And anyway, things just it's so funny because people be like, oh, just all your prejudice is coming up. I don't think so. I don't think so because there are plenty of times so when my prejudices do show up and it's so rigid, it's like it's funny to me because I'm like, oh my gosh, this is so you know, there's certain people that just I can't stand the the people that walk in and just like I am there to serve them, oh my god. And they come in all shapes, colors, sizes, everything, genders. And when when they just immediately are are like I am there to serve them, and I just oh every every you should see the skins that come out when they come in and they are so rudged rigid and they're like sandpaper. Just I'm so non-conforming and non-anything with those people. I can't stand them. But it's funny because when people that don't expect me to serve, you know, the other, the majority of people who don't behave like that, they come in and I'm very and I'm all about service. Like how can I help you? And I I want to serve them in every way possible. So it's you know, so what I'm talking about is is not like and that's the thing I and that's the difference I feel is I am being authentic with those people, but I'm responding to what they're bringing. Um and it's can just be immediate sometimes, and I'm always so fascinated because sometimes when they're walking in, I'll hear their voice. Before I see who it is, I just hear a voice. I'll be like, Oh, hi, you know, because they can't see me either, but they can hear my I've I said hello, can I help you? So they're coming around to so that they can see me. And sometimes it's like the skin I put on is one of like absolute delight because I've heard something in me has heard something in their voice, and and the meeting is one of just delight. You know, other times it's I can tell I'm dealing with someone who's you know, who has a who's like I I know in their voice before I see them, like, oh, I'm there's concern and struggle. There's a lot of concern and struggle, and so I'm gonna meet them in a place of like more um like I'm here. Like they want them to be able to feel that there's a presence here that's with them and under you know can feel their concern and that they're struggling. So it's just interesting to me. I put on so many skins every day, all day, all day, just moment to moment to moment. And then there are times where I get I'm in a skin because I'm in a skin, and you get me the way you get me. I'm not responding to the outer environment, I'm responding to what's happened to happening internally. Um, that I'm I can be so self-aware that I'm you know, I'm what's going on inside of me is the skin I have on and it's what you get that day. And I can't even mask it. I don't even try, you know, it's just like this is I have n I don't have the capacity to I would say if I were actually an octopus on those days, I'd probably just hang out in my den because I I don't respond to the my external environment well on those days. I'm it's all internally and I need to just it's like I just need to take care of myself and so the world's gonna get the only skin I could put on that day. So I so and why I want to share this is because these things happen so fast for me, so rapidly, these so both just in the response to I guess there's two pieces I want to talk about here. I've kind of touched on both of them and then I've mixed them up. So let me separate them. The first is when a gift is given, when a skin is given, when that instantaneous moment is given where something flushes through me and I realize there's a new way of being, I can now feel that it's possible, and I'm being asked, invited, offered the opportunity to become that. I I'm not given the instruction manual. Just want to make that clear. The second thing I've been speaking of is being able to respond to the to this unit un to this energetic universe energetically. As an octopus, I believe it's responding energetically to its to this energetic environment in just the most miraculous ways. I just have to learn how to regrow an appendage anyway. So the two things I want to talk about. The fact that I think we're all given those instantaneous gifts. I don't know if we're always aware of them. I think we all have the capacity to instantaneously adapt to this energetic universe because we are energy. And it depends on how wedded we are to, you know, the the hardness of our surroundings or not, whether we're whether we're able to adapt. So I recently had one of these moments. Um and in that moment I wore a new skin that I've never worn before, and I was like, wow, I'm not sure what that is, what that is. I can feel it, I sense it, I can feel how to how to embody it. It's probably one of the more easier ones for me to understand. I can't, I don't understand what I'm gonna do with it, but it's one of the easier ones for me to go, oh, I can feel the way to go. And that's a huge step, because sometimes you put on a skin and you're like, I I don't, I don't, I don't have a clue. Like I literally just have to stand here and just go, duh, like I like you're you are you're gonna have to push me off the ledge or something because I am so clueless how to start on this one. And this latest one, I I'm like, okay, I get it, okay, I I get the I get how to move in that direction. I don't know why, I don't know where, not sure how. I feel like there's a lot more support that needs to come in or like stuff has to happen I on the outside to kind of help me direct me in this one, but and in that, um in that that m moment of change for me, this new skin, well it changes you know, it changes my relationships with with people in my life. And I kind of I tried to do my best to explain it, but it the hiccup was here's the hiccup, and I I this is this it's funny because the hiccup is what helped me explain, helped me understand better my experience and also my desire to share it. Because I don't think it's singular, I think it's universal, and I would really love more people to speak out about it if they're already experiencing it, and if not, to to become aware, and I think they are, but maybe they don't realize it. The hiccup that happened was that I I I shared I shared my shift, and it was so it was, and of course the shift had happened in me, so I was like, Well, of course, it's happened, and this is the shift, and this is where I need to go, and this is what I need to do. And the people on the outside are like, what are you talking about? Like, how can you have decided that so fast and it's so rapid and it's so drama, you know, and I got the the word drama, there's so much drama, and you're duh, and this was da-da-da. And I was thinking, wait, no, like it's not any of those things, you know, and why are you being so rash? And why and I'm like, and I'm like, no, you're not. I was really proud of myself because I was I tr I I tried to be so patient and and continually, I was it of course it was done in text, I mean, just hideous anyway, but I just kept trying to like really put thoughtful, like, hey, like this is just something I know I need to do. I'm not asking you guys to do anything. You know, I'm not I haven't you you don't have to wait for me, you don't have to leave, you don't have to like you just you can do whatever you need to do. I'm just trying to explain that this is what I know I need to do. And it just it it it was just it wasn't received, um, it wasn't understood, it it wasn't um I there were a couple of people involved and one of them clearly did a much better job than the other. The other was just a quick to judge me as you know, too much drama and you know, like, you know, just there was and I was like, well, okay. Um well the other one has tried has tried very much to to understand. But what to me was like, well, yes, but it it wasn't to me it didn't feel isn't this interesting? I hadn't thought about this till just now. To me, it does not feel instantaneous, even though it is like if we have to connect this thing to time, it's an instantaneous flush, it's an instantaneous change, it's an instantaneous skin, it's an instantaneous knowing, there it is, there's my next step, there's that, there's the next sort of fork in my path. It's it's I'm now going this direction. So if we have to nail it to time, then yes, it's instantaneous. If we can remove it out of time, there is a before and an after. And so for me, I was like, well, I'm just in the after phase. I've now worn that skin, I understand where I'm going, I'm and this is where I'm going. And I'm just trying to explain what's happen-like this is we're now in the after. Like this is I'm trying to explain to you where I am, and you're you're like fighting me because I'm not where I was, and I'm like, well, but I'm not there anymore. Why do you keep pointing back there? I'm here, and I'm trying to tell you where I am, and it's like it's like we're so tied to time that it it just destroys what I believe could be the fluid experience of being human. Oh, I d you don't know how bad I hate saying those words. Because by God, if I say some shit like that, the universe sets out to show me just how bad I am at it. So I'm just telling the universe right now, I know I'm bad at it. You don't even have to show me. But I'm gonna say it again because it's so important. We're so tied to time. That things have to take a certain amount of time, that things have to last a certain amount of time, that things have to be a certain amount of time, that the time has to mark everything, that we don't allow the fluidity of life, that in an instant we can change. We can in an instant we can wear, in one minute we could wear 60 different skins, second to second to second. We could be that responsive. We could be that responsive, we could be that inner engaged with life, that in one minute we could wear 60 skins. We could also in in an instant be changed, in an instant be changed and be given the gift of knowing that this is my direction now. And it doesn't have to take uh it doesn't have to take time. We don't have to be wedded to time. It's like we don't have to be wedded to space. Um, this has been a huge lesson for me with my kids moving, is there are moments where I can my children are are are with are literally with me. Literally with me. I cannot see them, they cannot see me. I do not know how, I do not know. But we don't have to be wedded to space. They don't have to be a thousand miles away. You know, we don't have to be wedded to time. It doesn't have to take like all the time in the world for for for something important and pivotal to change in our lives, like allow the change, which doesn't, which doesn't deny any emotion. I'm not I'm not denying the emotion. Like I 100% have all kinds of confusion emo confusing emotions going on with this. I'm just like, oh, but I thought that was so good. Like, why why would I? I don't know. I'm confused, but I know this is where I am now. But what about how do I main, you know, what about these people? I really care about these people. How do I maintain these friendships? I don't know, but I know this is where I am right now. And so, so it's like, I know this is where I am right now, I know what has happened, I have the knowing of where I'm going. I don't have all the answers. But what about, you know, the loss and and the grief and the what, you know, what about what or the the anger or the frustration or the you know w I don't know. It doesn't, it doesn't negate any of the emotions. But it I'm also not wedded to all of them either. It's like I don't know how to explain it. It it comes back to meditation. I did an all-day meditation yesterday, and I realized something as there were a lot of uh new people that were in this, they weren't brand, brand new, but newer. And I'm used to having like a kind of this little troop of old people, and they kind of hold this like energy, which is the energy of kind of like, well, shit's gonna happen, sit through it. You know, as the more you meditate, the more you realize shit is going to happen one million times, sit through it, like the whole you know, but the there was so much of this new energy, like, oh, like I'm gonna sit and it's gonna be good. And I'm like, if you're gonna sit, it's gonna be shit. Like, you don't have any idea when it's good or when it's shit. Like you just so as I'm sitting there and you know, my shit starts to come up, and I'm like, oh god, okay, there's a some weird pain in my back, and now my mind's doing funky things, and da da da, you know, all this shit starts, and I was like, oh, I wonder, and I literally had the thought, I wonder how long that's gonna last. That's weird. And then I just, you know, went back to the meditation and oh, I wonder how long. Oh yeah, god, that feels like it's gonna last forever. Uh we'll see. So I was just so much less reactive and tied to time. I was so much less interested in how long, you know, whatever was gonna happen. Oh, and there were times that were just blissful. I mean, I was just like, and I was kind of chuckling, so I was like, oh well, that's just fantastic what's happening right now. I wish, you know, but then I went that, you know, I was like, that's fantastic. And I did have the thought, I wonder how long it will last. I know the fantastic is going to end just as readily as the shit is going to end. Like it's so I noticed more in myself this a very clear understanding of yeah, the fantastic, I wonder how long that will last. Oh, the the the shit, I wonder how long that will last. Like I wasn't so tied to time. I just knew shit was happening. Shit shit quotes, meaning like good stuff, bad stuff, stuff is happening, you know, and I have my preferences about it. So this latest, you know, experience in life with trying to explain to people my experience and and being met with such, you know, sort of resistance or misunderstanding or or even just kind of what I consider some pretty harsh judgment. And it was interesting, the judgment was so harsh and immediate, and there was like no room or or interest in trying to understand or anything. I was like, I don't it it left put me on my heels wondering, is this the kind of person that I want to put energy into? Um you know, it's not everybody, first of all, not everyone's going to understand me, and second of all, I don't really have the desire to pour my energy into someone that can't meet me in a place where where there's misunderstanding. You know, if if somebody can meet me in a place where there has been a misunderstanding, I I have so much respect for that. For both of us. Like it's so hard to meet in those places and try to understand other people. And if if someone has that, I I literally sort of just kneel down and say, like, thank you. Like that's a gift is to meet someone in a place of misunderstanding and say, because there's no guarantee, right? We but we can meet and say, let's try, like, let's see if we can understand a little better. And sometimes you still walk away and go, no, I still don't. I still don't, and I still don't. And so to meet in a place of misunderstanding is takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage because you realize it might not, it might not work, we still might not understand each other, and we still might need to walk away and be left with you know our unresolved emotions. But in that, you know, this this second person has met me in this place and is saying, I don't understand. You're not making sense, blah blah blah. And I realized, okay, I make complete sense to me because I'm inside of me and I've had this experience. How do I explain that? How do I explain this instantaneous experience? Um and I think if I explained it to some people, uh they would they would mock it and they'd be, yeah, they'd be like, well, whatever. Sounds stupid to me or crazy to me, and I'd be like, okay, I you know, I can't, that's not for me. I just know my experience of myself. And if it was a one-time thing, I might think it was pretty extraordinary, but it's not. It happens all the time. And I don't think it's singular, I think it's universal. I think we all have these moments. Um, I I think we're I I think the thing that has kept me from experiencing them more readily and more fully is is my attachment to time. My attachment to time. And and I've realized that I'm becoming less attached to time. But as I'm becoming less attached to time, I people are seeing my behaviors to be um they're they're erratic or sporadic, or they I don't fit in into their definition of time, which I honestly believe is healthy. I believe our relationship with time is one of the most unhealthy things we have. That to be able to to be the octopus, to be energy, you I don't believe you need time. I I think the octopus shows us that. I mean, it is it is you know, she is nothing but an energetic impulse happening all the time. You know, like energy can respond faster than our brain can practically, you know, our vi our vision, our she's responding so fast that our vision is too slow to catch it. We literally have to slow down. So how however fast our brain works, it's not working fast enough. Because the octopus can change energy fash faster than we can witness it. We cannot see all that's happening, we have to slow it down. So I'm I'm willing to be I'm willing to do things, I'm willing to stay true to myself in such a way that people may think that I'm sporadic or dramatic or erratic or whatever. Because I wish to be that adaptive. Um I don't worry too much about myself because I also have some pretty entrenched roots. So it's not like I'm suddenly gonna fly away. I've got plenty of stuckness and rigidity in me, but I'm not suddenly gonna float away. So so so a warning, if you don't have some strong roots, you might not want to, you know, behave this way. But if you've got some really strong roots, and I would say what roots meet are um I wanna I was gonna say values, but it's so corny, but it it might be the best word. Anyway. Meaning, you know, I value I value friendship, and so this person that's that's willing to have a misunderstanding and and not um and not just shut down and call me names. Like I'm willing to meet them in this, I would say it's a new space for us. Um the space of understanding how each of us works in the world. And I I I don't know that they'll understand this at all. Um They m they might also just roll their eyes, but I'm willing to have the conversation with them because they've shown enough, I would say, integrity, and integrity being that they were they were all they were as kind and thought I could tell they were, I can't say as kind and thoughtful as they could be, because I think the other person was probably as kind and thoughtful as they could be as well. But I don't know if it was enough for me. You know, I I do have my boundaries. I'm not everybody's I'm not here to teach everybody, I'm here to teach those who will, you know, meet me, who have an interest in meeting me. You know, in a place where where both of our experiences are valid. And but they they weren't so it wasn't that they were kind and thoughtful as much as they could be. They were actually kind and thoughtful, meaning they they did, they don't understand and they have questions and they they you know they they are challenging that maybe you know you're you you made that decision so rashly and harshly. Those aren't their words, but kind of a a summary of them. And you know, but they at the same time they've they haven't. I'm trying to I'm honestly I'm pausing here because I honestly I'm curious why. I think it honestly goes back it part of it goes back to just the relationship we've had over the last few years. Um I know who they are and that that deeply helps. But also they didn't they they judged my I feel like I feel like the difference between the two people in this situation. I feel like one of them judged my action. They're like, you're behaving, like I don't understand how you could, you know, you so quickly made this decision and da-da-da-da. But I don't I haven't really felt like they were judging me. Where the other person I felt like they just like judged me. Like you did, you know, you cut this off and you're being traumatic. Like like that wasn't it you the the decision I made was not separated from the person I am. And I think they've they've known me enough to see the cut the way I show up in the world. And so to not be able to separate the two, I kind of go, uh, I don't know. I'm a little wary. I'm a little wary about that one. Um and it's also the second time this person has done something like that. Uh, and so I'm like, okay, I don't know. I've I don't know if I play three strikes, you're out anymore. I might play two strikes and you're out. So I'm on my heels pretty, pretty hard on that one. Um the other one, I'm very much leaning forward into if there was a way to explain what happened and how I got to be where I am, which like I said, the the experience of it is just then and now, like before and after. It's not really tied to time. I didn't need a long I didn't need time because a gift was given. Like it was just like, you know, this is where this is the next skin, put this on, fill it out, learn to be it, move toward that, and trust. And it was interesting because it didn't even say, it wasn't even like a no, it was just like was like a you need to go do this. It was like a pause, and that's what I said. I was like, I I need to press pause on this, I need to press pause, I need to take some time, there's some things I need to explore and figure out, and da da da da da. And that was so it wasn't even the ending of anything, it was just my need to step back and and press pause on on something. And it was it was it was far more upsetting than I thought it would be also. I didn't I thought they would were both gonna be like, yeah, okay. Let us know. So it it kind of blew up into something that surprised I was kind of like, what what happened? Like why why why can't I step back and pause and take a break and um I ha well I but I I also I can see, I can't see because um we had been kind of m moving full steam ahead toward this big event and we did the big event and then once it was over, I was still ready to do that, and then boom. Everything changed. And I'm suddenly moving in a different direction. And now that I say those words, I see I just experienced how dramatic and drastic and erratic and abruptly. I know. Isn't that funny? Because I don't think the octopus knows. It doesn't, it's not it, it's not watching itself. And so it just adapts, goes, it's just doing, it's it's just doing its thing, it's being itself. It does not watching itself. It doesn't know what it looks like or what it is. It doesn't know what the experience of it is from the outside. So everything just makes sense on the inside, what it's doing. And now I just felt it. And it's pretty, I would use the words harsh. It's it's it's not harsh to watch. It's beautiful to watch the octopus. But it's a harsh experience if you've been close and then you're far. And you don't know what happened. That understanding. And when you're not an octopus, it must be so damn confusing to watch one. It's like the most beautiful thing, but God, if you could ever understand it. And you're never gonna get close to it unless it wants to get close to you. I think that's another thing people haven't realized about me or understood. Um you'll never get close to me. Ever. Unless I want to get close to you. And the only way you can do that is by being yourself. If anything, like I don't actually know if octopus are patient or not, but I am so fucking patient when it comes to watching, learning, studying my environment. I know my environments. I think I know people, this is so bullshit, but I'm gonna say anyway. I think I know people way better than I wasn't to say they know me. Or way more than they realize. Because I'm constantly just feeling the environment and just attuning to it, and the more I have to attune to it, there's I'm gonna say something and I'm gonna start with saying I don't know if it's true. But I sense that the more authentic you are, so this is what I'm feeling. When I'm with someone who's being authentic, I do not need to change my skin. It's almost like the the flu the authenticity allows for like the the removal a little bit of that barrier. But when someone isn't, it feels it becomes a little bit exhausting because I have to, it feels like I'm I have I don't have to, but I do. I change skins rapidly and frequently to keep up with all the whatever they're doing. It's just something that happens, like almost just unconsciously, but I but I'm aware, I can feel it. I'm like, oh, okay, now they're doing that thing again, okay, alright. I wonder how long until they're gonna switch back over to the other thing and then okay, well now they're doing that one again, okay. As opposed to just here's here's here's how I'm gonna here's how I'm gonna you you watch this. I'm gonna try to give an example. I love to run. I used to be able to run, oh my god. I was never like the fastest runner, but I could run a long ways and I ran beautifully and I miss running and I'm trying to get back to it. I haven't been able to run the last few years since I heard my back, but I fingers crossed, man, I want to run again. So oftentimes if I have a few minutes, I'll often turn on um and watch one of the you know, one of the elite races, sometimes collegiate races. Um, you know, I'll just watch people run their races, and I don't like I actually like the ones that are a little bit longer. I like to watch people run, like so like the hundred meters is great, but it's not, you know, it's too short, whatever. I love to watch, and I think human bodies are beautiful and to watch them run is just like anyway. So I'll watch runners, and it's interesting to me when a runner gets done, you can tell what they put into the race by the way they but by the way they behave at the end. Um if they really if they if they won it and they didn't have to put in their all, they're still, you know, they're they're like a peacock, you know, and you can see it. When a runner has given their all and and and it they and they had to to win the race. Or or or sometimes I think one of the most beautiful things is when a runner gives their all and they didn't have to. But but you know, when they're done, I mean you're like they, oh my god, like they are done. You know, they gave everything they had to that race, and just and just the way they move in their body is what whatever they're doing is authentic. There's no showmanship, there's no showing off, there's no like they are just like I I gave it my all, and you can see it's the the authenticity of that. And we all know it. And it's like it's like when someone is in the primping, you know, they didn't have to give their all and they're primping and prancing about being their peacock at the end. I mean, just imagine if you you know you were trying to, you know, I don't know how to describe it, but there's just a lot of skins going on in that moment, you know, where when someone's being authentic, they're a solid skin and they are just you know being themselves. And so I start to learn being with certain people, how frequently do I need to change my skins with this person? And I often know, despite how I feel afterwards, if I'm trained, I'm like, man, that was just like it was a lot. I was like constantly trying, you know, adapting to whatever was going on with them. And and honestly, I God knows what it's like to be with me. I have no idea. So I'm just saying what my experience is. And then when I'm with certain people where it just there's no there's no need because and then there's a fork here, so I'm gonna touch on both of them. Sometimes you're with someone who just is themselves and it's the most comforting and relaxing thing. Well, it I wouldn't say it's they're just themselves and there's and so there's no need to like like the barometer is settled because you don't have to keep checking in to see if they're shifting and changing, they just are who they are. And the other fork I was gonna touch on, or you just know the person so well. It's almost like you adapt together. And that's I would say that's where I was with my kids for many years. The three of us could get together and it didn't matter where we were. Um we were able to just immediately adapt into sort of like this supportive tripod. You know, if one of us was in a place where they really weren't showing up well, it didn't matter the other two just could hold the third one, the other two just sort of slipped in and held the third one up as they, you know. So there's also I think that's the beauty of knowing someone. And it's also the loss when they're gone from our lives. That loss of attunement. And you know, attuning to another person is a beautiful thing to be able to do. I think it's something that I can do very, very well, but it's also something I can turn off. And I used to do that a lot. I used to turn I used to flip that switch a lot. It took me a long time to understand how painful that was. But I can also see how these moments were there's a big shift for me. I kinda feel like that even though it's not what it is. So it's a lesson for me that when I have the big shift to remember that nothing on the nobody on the outside understands that and that I need to take, that I will need to, if I care, which hopefully I do, um, I will need to respect time and take allow a l allow them a measure of time. Um to slowly the process what for me was an instant. It's interesting because as I talk, I think there's someone I know who's also an octopus. I'm not saying there's only two of us, I'm just saying I've had immediate experience with someone. And I now can see how I misinterpreted, I may have misinterpreted some of their decisions and behaviors. Because I was I was a little too wedded to time. That's so fascinating. So fascinating. I think one of the most I would say one of my most favorite spots in the whole universe is when I'm standing between two mirrors. Because there's so much wisdom. So in this moment, I'm the octopus. In the mirror to my right are the people that don't understand octopuses and have experienced kind of the harsh reality of what it is to be near one or in a r some type of relationship with one. And then the mirror to my left is now me experiencing someone else who I didn't realize who I believe is a bit of an octopus, and how I experienced them the way that other people have experienced me, and all of the misunderstanding, all the misunderstanding. That in an instant you can know something, and you move in that direction because it's what's right and it's what's best, and you're doing what you need to do. And then the outside world is like, what the hell is going on? And you're like, what do you mean? Look. And they're like, no, I'm way back here. I didn't get the message. So I get to feel both the sort of the judgment and misunderstanding others have had of me, and the judgment and misunderstanding I've had of another person who I think is more like me than I realize. A beautiful double mirror. It's like the times when my mom was about to pass and feeling the struggle, you know, the mother-daughter struggles in both directions. Me as a daughter to my mother, me as a mother to my daughter. Those beautiful moments where you can see and feel it both ways. Because then you it's the beginning of understanding the full like depth and breadth. I mean, I think every moment is a jewel, you know, Indra's net, the old Hindu story, but shit. I'm just talking about two directions, let alone a jeweled, you know, a multifaceted jeweled moment. I'm just trying to understand two. And and that's exponentially, just want us to point out two is exponentially bigger than one. Just saying, I'm not sure how to get to four, but I'm gonna try. I think two is pretty damn good. So to go from one to two is exponential, I've exponentially increased my understanding of the situation. It's not nothing. It might only be two, but it's not nothing. So I hope, you know, in this sharing, my my initial hope is actually not my ending hope. My initial hope was that people could unwed themselves a bit from time and try to allow life to flow. Uh we are energy after all. And but my ending hope is honestly, I wonder if there's a way to more readily access these spaces where we exponentially increase our understanding of a situation from one to two. You know, can we can we somehow find ourselves? Oh, I hate to use these words, but can we somehow find ourselves as both the victim and the perpetrator? They seem a little harsh, I'm sure there's better words out there, but let's just make it that traumatic, you know, where, but I mean, in some respect it's true, right? I don't like that this other person has been judgmental about me for making the decision that that this no that's a knowing for me, and yet I've been judgmental to someone else for doing the same. And just sort of sitting with, you know, the pain and the sorrow and the so much of the sorrow is actually just the confusion. Like the lack of communication. I think so much sorrow comes from a lack of communication. And what I would say is a lack of time. We don't have I always say that time, I think time is the most precious thing. It doesn't even matter that I want to unwed myself from it, just to have time to do and be and share. Such a gift. Since my mom died, it's you know, Eli Connor gave me the gift of life again. Every breath is precious, every breath is precious. And those words kept me alive for years, decades. Every breath is precious. And now my mom, since she's passed, it's every moment is precious. Every moment is precious, like every every instant is so precious, it's so precious. Make the most of it, child. Every, every moment, every breath, every instant. It's so precious. Make the most of it. I feel like she's just always right there. It's it's like she's a cheerleader, but she's sort of also sort of like poking me in the back. Come on, baby girl. Every moment is precious. Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go. So I'm coming, Mom. I know. I absolutely 100% feel like this latest skin is from her. Just like pushing. Come on, girl. Come on. I'm like, okay, I'm coming. I don't I don't know where. I don't know what we're doing, but I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. Oh my god, I never knew that I would so thoroughly enjoy loving my mother ever, period. But then also when she's dead. But that has been the experience of my mom since she died. It's just this thoroughly enjoying loving her and feeling her so close is a gift. So I hope there's all kinds of glorious wisdom in this for you, because there has been for me, and I hope you have a wonderful day.