#170 Puzzle, while puzzling together a Life

This is a live puzzling of an octopus puzzle, while musing about the puzzling nature of life, and the ways I puzzle together a Life, not just a New Life, but one which incorporates and integrates parts of me I've lost along the way, or never dared to reveal, or didn't believe possible, or forgot how much I loved, and cared. 

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SPEAKER_03 0:01

Hello and welcome to the Sidest Podcast where I explore everything. Today we're going to explore a puzzle because I believe everything is connected to everything else. And I haven't done a thousand-piece puzzle ever by myself. Um and I remember when I first kind of had this inkling, it was not long after I had moved into um where I live now, my home, and something said, Hey, you need to get a puzzle and do it because you're going to it's going to teach you. And I said, Okay. So that was over a year ago that I got this puzzle. I don't actually want to think too hard about how long I've had it because it's been a long time. Um and I haven't done it very much, so I can't say that um I think I've actually I think I'm actually kind of quick at it, considering I never do it. But recently, um I have had this big impulse, okay, it's time to finish this puzzle. We're gonna put effort toward it, we're gonna do it, blah blah blah. Um, and it's it's been fascinating to suddenly put effort into something and find that it's not as easy as I thought it would be. I kept thinking, oh, it'll be fine. I just when I finally put my mind to it, it'll be fine. Uh, you know, a little bit harder than I thought. So I want to talk about what I've done because uh part of what this journey is, a big part of my journey now in life, is creating a new life. I know I've talked a bit about that. You know, what does it mean to live again in a whole new way, but you know, the freedom to live again without carrying a lot of the baggage that I've carried for many, many years. Um, and I want to pause and talk about that because look, I just found two pieces. I'll point out when I find things. And one of the things I've learned about the puzzle is um I've I'm kind of stuck as far as putting things on to the main puzzle. I've looked a good bit and I I'm not seeing it. And so what I've done is you might be able to see here, there's twos and threes and fours. This is kind of where I put them when I find something, is I've started collecting things. This is not new, this is not brain science, but but it matters because it because my goal is to learn from the puzzle, not to do the puzzle. So what I've done is collect things that kind of have different colors or textures, something that looks like it might go together, and then I put them in a you know, in a similar area, um, and then I'm able to put little pieces together and go from there. And then, like when I was working on it yesterday, I was able to pick up a piece and I suddenly went, Oh, I flipped it, and I don't remember where I put it, but it went somewhere. So um it's interesting. I was talking about baggage and leaving behind a lot of baggage, and I somebody said something to me the other day, I can't even remember what it was. And I and I immediately felt like this, why would they say that? Why would they say that? And like this defensiveness came up, and I was like, Oh, there's something there for you. There's something there for you. Um, meaning whatever I because I was like, well, that's resolved, like that's taken care of, why would they even say that? And but because of this, like sort of like, ugh, I was like, oh, obviously, it's there is there is still energetically something there for you. And the reason I find that so fascinating is since I've completed the rape trial, and I know it ended the way it ended, and I totally trust it, but I know it's done because there's there's just I don't know how to explain it, but there's nothing unresolved. There's nothing unresolved. It still happened. I'm not saying that there aren't, you know, it still happened, and I still have moments where I'm afraid someone's, you know, following me, you know, whatever. Like, not it's not that, but specific to the rape. Um, it's just all resolved. It's just all resolved. And I don't know that I've ever, well, this is one of the biggest traumas in my life that I have fully resolved. Let me say it that way. And so I have it sort of as a baseline to compare to where I can, where if something else comes up, I can go, oh, you know, there that that doesn't feel like it's is is not fully resolved. So I have I have something that's a severe trauma that's been fully resolved. And so I know what that's like now. And it's a baseline for me and something to sort of a barometer to compare things to. Compare the weather patterns, let's say. I can compare the weather patterns of other areas of my life to what a calm, neutral weather pattern um of the rape now is for me. So when someone said something recently and I was like, I in my head, I was like, oh, I'm done with that. Why would they even bring it up? And I was like, well, that's not really sort of a neutral, calm weather pattern response that you just had. So maybe there's something there for you. Um so as I'm building a new life, I am what I found is I have tried to put these two damn pieces together 16,000 times. I'm gonna pick them up and see if I can't really see what you can see. I think you can see. It's like they're so damn close in in both pattern color positioning. I I know I have tried to put these together like 6,000 times, I swear to God. And I leave them in the same place because they're obviously in the same, you know. But it's also frustrating to continue to look at them and always go, nope, nope, nope, they don't, you already know they don't fit. Which is one of the lessons I'm learning through the puzzle. Is there are things in my life that I think should fit, and they just don't. They just don't. They're so close, like they have the same color scheme, they're such similar patterns, and they almost fit together, and and they just don't. They just don't, they just don't, no matter how many times I try, no matter how many times I try, they just don't. So that's also been um uh something I've been thinking about as I've been creating a new life is what fits, not what I wish fits, what I think fits, or what looks like it should fit, but what actually fits. Um and also this clumping together of things, that's been a big part of me considering how sometimes there's so many pieces, there are so many pieces uh uh of our lives, and when you're trying to put a new one together, it's overwhelming and you can't always see how they're going to work. And so clumping together like all my musical activities, and I think okay, I want all of these sort of musical activities in my life, whether it's singing or guitar or dancing. For now, I'm just kind of like hodgepodging all the music together, you know, and then I think about reading and writing, you know, and kind of hodgepodging all the things that I want to do there, you know, what goes there. Um, you know, thinking about my my health and fitness and and longevity, you know, my body and my mind, and you know, care, taking care of and caring for the the vessel that is the experiencer that I need to experience this life, you know, putting all that there, you know, eating, like, you know, what does it mean to to exercise and eat right and be healthy in in my post-menopausal later years of life, right? It's not the same as how I used to exercise and eat. It's it's it's very different. Things have changed, my body's changed, and so how do I, you know, how do I serve this new vessel? And then also relationships, you know, I've kind of clumped um all relationshipships into one and tried to look at them honestly as a that's probably that's really been a powerful part where I kind of clumped relationships all to one. Okay, here are all my relationships, whether it's friends or family or work or blah blah blah. And I've just I've been noticing like overarching patterns. Some are great, and I'm like, yeah, this is okay. I'm putting together these relationships, they look great. And then there are other overarching patterns um in in that field where I'm like, uh, this is these, these are these are not, these are not serving me, they're not serving that, they're just not, they're not what I want, blah blah blah blah blah. So it's also by clumping them together, it's also given me kind of the time and space to consider, okay, well, how what can I do? How can I work on this? What can I what can I change? What can be done? Um, you know, to to sort of put the puzzle pieces of relationship together in the way that I want. Um I do, I I I must say, it's one of the things I realized about my mom many years ago, where I, you know, after I had this, you know, it was after the divorce, the rape, um, a divorce where my my the my my ex-husband was not kind at all during that time. So it was very was painful in so many levels, but that did not help. That additional cruelty did not help. And then the rape happened right after that, and then a relationship with a man that was sociopathic. So it was kind of just like a triple whammy, and I was just destroyed. And at that point, as I was trying to put myself back together, isn't it? Is yeah, you I don't have I've done this more than once, and I learn every time. I don't ever want to do it again, but who's to say that I won't be given yet another chance? So anyway, what I was getting at is I remember sitting there thinking, I know there's I was thinking about the way I was, and I didn't even recognize who I was. Like I was had been destroyed beyond my own recognition. And I remember just closing my eyes and thinking about who I remembered being. And I went way back to like a little girl, you know, a young child. And I could remember like the my time on, you know, the beaches in Hawaii, or whether it was the farms in, you know, in Wandship and in the garden or walking the railroad tracks or the mountains or whatever, riding the horses, or you know, tending the goats, whatever it was. And there was just uh a carefree, uh playful, curious, that was just like this amazing being that was just effusive and natural to who I was. Now that thing that being no longer existed, I thought it was dead and never gonna see it again. Um, but I knew if it had lived in me once, it could live in me again. And so I began that long journey back to to sort of uh what I would call youthful, not naive, but youthful, that the youthful parts of me. I wanted to reclaim those. And as I was thinking about that, something in me thought, I'm so lucky and so glad I have the I had that experience, I have the memory, I know I can be that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I thought of my mom, who was um had there was sexual abuse when she was quite young. And I thought, I don't know, because it happened when she was so young, I don't know that she could ever find her way back to anything in the way that I am, because it doesn't exist for her. And it just made me so sad for her, and and she's not the only one. Um, but just it honestly made me sad for all the people where you know the trauma occurs so young that there's no sort of imprint of who they actually are before the imprint of life and everyone else's bullshit and trauma is laid upon them. Oh like I got another one. There's two more. So I feel lucky that whatever I've been through, I I have an I have enough, I've had enough um youthful memories that I can use those to to fall back on, to remember, to guide me sort of back. And and I I'll never be that again. And I'm not trying to be that. I'm trying to reclaim parts of myself into the you know, into the mature, wise being that I am today. So I'm reclaiming parts of my youth without some, I'm not uh, I don't think I'm being naive about it, um, in that I'm just suddenly going to return to that. I'm not expecting that or asking for that. Um, this reclamation is definitely more of an integration, more of the puzzle, more of putting the puzzle of who I am today together with, you know, parts of myself that I lost along the way. But I'm also um uh letting go, getting rid of things that weren't mine, never were mine, that I confused, you know, with as as myself or as parts of myself, and it's lovely to not be taking those any further. I've carried those long enough. So um okay, so the puzzle. Putting pieces together, getting little bits together, and then combining them until they make larger ones. Um it's really it's really fascinating to put together a new line. And it's interesting because it's something I asked for when I was going through the right trial. I would often say, you know, ask the universe, please, please give me a chance to live again. You know, I feel like I died, you know, the whole, you know, 18, 17, 18 years ago when I got divorced, it was just nothing but death. And I feel like it's literally been 20, almost 20 years of that. And I was hopeful that that the it somehow the completion of the rape trial was going to be the completion of kind of a big all of it. And to some extent it has been, and that's been a huge relief, um, which is so interesting that it's like I had to work all those years and go through so much stuff. It was like there was was like the pile to be composted was so large that it took me almost two decades to get all the way down to a big piece, a big chunk, you know, was dealing with with the rape. And then now that now I have space to to consider, like, okay, uh live. What does it mean to live? What kind of life would you live? Um how do you build that? And there's there's an there's an element of grief that I don't understand in it. It's um I think it there's there's part of it is grieving for it was like these two pieces that don't fit. There's still grief for the parts of my life that I worked so hard at that didn't work. Um and it's like to go ahead to go forward and truly live um requires or asks of me, you know, the fullness of grieving for all that didn't happen. Even though I may have worked really, really hard and hoped really, really badly that it would. Um so there's an interesting element of grief in building a new life and grieving, truly grieving, acknowledging, accepting what is not here and what is not happening. Um and and not that some of you know, it's not that nothing's ever gonna change, but some things are never going to be. They're that that that ship is cell, so to speak, that time has passed. Um I don't know why I say this. I think it's obvious what I'm saying, but in case it isn't, it would be like I do not want to have more kids, and I never did want to have more than the two I had. But if I wanted to have more children, right? Like I'm post-menopausal, children are not are not gonna be happy that ship has sailed. Like so there are literally some things in life, while I do believe in infinite possibilities, I'm not sure I believe in immaculate conception. So call that uh call that what you will, but I do believe there is for me, my experience in building a new life has been there are some ships that have sailed, and I need to there is some grief that I didn't know was there, honestly. And so it's there have been moments where I've instead of building in the way I thought I would, I've actually needed to pause and take time to grieve. Um more deeply accept um and I have to say it's interesting. I I feel very um I feel very vulnerable sharing this. Because I never thought I would. I I never thought I just I don't know. I I don't know why I feel so vulnerable sharing this because it's not even like a big deal or a big tail. Maybe I feel a little silly or ashamed or just I think I was look, here we are. See, see those two pieces? Okay, look. This here's the 6,000 and one thing I'm trying to put them together. Because there's all these, they're all right here, and they're so they so want to fit, and they don't, and I've I know I've gathered all these before and done this, and they just it's like they're there's there's these great similarities, but they don't fit, and I've tried these, it's funny because I know I've tried these colors, this color scheme, and I think I finally kind of pushed them apart because I was tired of like they don't fit. Stop trying to make them fit. Um but what I was gonna say is as I've thought about men in relationships, I could think of many relationships I've had, and I'm just kind of like I just nod my head and smile and just say that was that was a learning experience that was never going to work. So glad it didn't work, you know, don't don't have any interest in going back there. Let's just yeah. But there are, well, I would say there's one man in particular, and possibly two, where one in particular um came into my life like at the worst time and showed me what who a man who and what and how a mature man is in relationship and with a mature, strong, powerful woman. He was very interested. I I really liked him, but I was it was like right out. after the everything and I just couldn't I I couldn't ex you know I just did you know even asked like hey is there something here and I was just like yeah you're a great friend okay that was god that was 15 years ago was that was a long time ago and but I think back when I think back on um men and what kind of man I would want and blah blah blah it's it's him and it's like I've reached out a couple of times in the last five or six years he's he's now in a different relationship and is engaged and we haven't gotten married but look I got two more they've engaged for like a few years five or six years but anyway whatever so again it's like that ship has sailed and I'm just I there is grief over that I feel like I I mean and I I try to you know I I can put a positive spin on it I'm not saying it's negative but I have to say it's interesting to me it's one of the few areas of my life where I truly feel regret I think maybe that's why I'm ashamed or embarrassed is probably a better word I'm not really ashamed of it I'm I'm embarrassed. Nearly everywhere in my life I can see that you know it just it was the way it was it had to be it is it you know just all of this all of the the does but this one I can't oh look I found got another one um it it's so the funny thing about a puzzle is it really is like a little bits of celebration I don't think look I got another one I'm starting to I'm starting to these lost pieces I'm starting to find that they go on this bigger one. But it is like little celebrations just like the smallest ones and they seem kind of silly but they're inside of me they're very real and they're very enjoyable and they're they're sweet you know oh oh I got another one it it is it is part of I think the reclaiming of youth it's it's you like oh I got another one and I got another one and I got another one um so anyway I'm not sure why I wanted to share that but I wanted to say I guess I wanted to admit it I wanted to say it out loud and say there is a man that I think um offered me what today I would love to find. Unfortunately he's not available but um I'm just I I think I'm I'm a little bit it's hard for me to imagine that there's another one because I've met a lot of men and I've only met one like him and he's he is pretty unique. And I knew it even then and and I would even say at times I'm like oh we could do so so much together there's so many possibilities here for us and just the timing I had still had obviously had a lot of years to that I needed to go figure out and anyway so the relationship thing in the meantime I've coagulated you know my relationship puzzle pieces and I'm just looking at them kind of as a whole more closely and trying to determine okay you know how can I better my abilities it and patience patience has been the big one I was talking to a friend recently and I was telling him I'm like I can just see that um it was it was really funny it was in a text and I thought it was rather clever I was saying you know people can be so they're just so irlogical and irrational and you know da da da which of course and I was like and I'm just having to learn to be patient with people because they're just people and you know of course then I end it with reminds me of me you know I mean I I certainly fit into that uh definition so I've just really extending a lot more grace to human beings a lot more patience a lot more just watching and listening especially when someone's kind of having it's funny because people have a lot of moments and they're not even necessarily big but if you watch people have moments all the time over over spilled milk you know like literally like hardly anything happened and suddenly a moment is happening for someone and it's pretty fascinating honestly just to watch and be like oh wow spilled milk there having a moment and I'm just gonna sit here and watch um and and because it's I'm doing it because it's something I want to do I want to want to be able to just be with someone and when they have their their when the milk is spilled and they have their moment you know it's that I can just be like okay I'm here I'm here for it you know you'll finish up you know because honestly it's something that I I said to someone else recently where um I was like I I was I kind of had a moment and one person one person handled it well well and someone else didn't and I was just like look and it was a little it wasn't even a anyway it wasn't even like a super big moment that I was having and I was like you know if the person you know that that that's that's not a good fit yeah if if if if I'm not able to kind of be with someone while they have a moment because it's too triggering for me it's too hard for me it's too whatever that's not a good fit and I no longer feel like I need to work on every relationship in my life there's too many. I'm a little more discerning um so that is not a relationship that I want to work on. And the same is true in reverse meaning this other person is like I don't want to deal with you and I'm like that's that's good to know for both of us um and it's absolutely not necessary necessary that we do we don't know each other that well and this is this is a good place to to let it go um so there are enough people in this world and enough I mean maybe if we were living in small communities um but since we're not and there's just so many damn people and so much to do I kind of am just trying to work on the ones where people want to be there can be there are there and move forward and learn with those so anyway what else has this puzzle taught me patience I mean it's a big one and that it's not as easy as you think like I said I thought that this would be I hadn't really applied myself and so I kept thinking oh as soon as I'm ready like I'll just apply myself and then I'll do it and it'll be fine and now that I'm applying myself I'm like shit this is this is not that easy I don't know why I don't know why why I got in my head that it was gonna be easy but it's not a lot harder than I thought um which is isn't that kind of it's not true for all things but there's definitely some truth um actually I think the real truth is you never know there are times I walk in here and without even thinking of anything I'll just pick up a piece punk and I just how the hell did I do that? Like you know just happens and you might I'll walk in and in the space of three minutes I'll set like three pieces not even that and I'll be like okay I'll walk out and then other times I'll come in here and just fret over colors and uh I get nothing get nowhere so there's a few pieces I've picked up numerous times because they're so fascinating to me I can't wait to see where they go this is one of them it just I think you can see there's another one that's similar to that where the pattern is just I just think where that could be anywhere and I just think oh I wonder where that one's gonna and it's and it's something about it is striking to my eye and so I pooped it up many times. So we'll see I actually did uh this is the second podcast I did uh with this puzzle in the last week but the other one I'm not going to show um at least not yet maybe I'll show it at a later date but there is someone that is trying to do some serious public shaming and it honestly surprised me and shocked me I did not see this about that person. Um so and I don't know I don't know how many of you know Monica Lewinsky um you can look it up if you don't know but I just happened upon um her podcast I was listening this morning so I was getting ready and she was talking I didn't know she had I've never seen it and anyway she was talking to someone about public shaming and I I hadn't thought I've been thinking about what this person is doing and I hadn't really known I was just like wow I don't really know what they're doing but I don't I don't like it and I don't I don't really know what to do. I still don't know what to do but and then as they were talking about it I was like oh my gosh this person is is public shaming and I just I couldn't believe it like I did not like it's just I just didn't it's just amazing I was anyway so I don't know what I'm doing with that but um what I am gonna say is that's that's some super ugly nasty energy and it's not inside me it's inside the other person and I mean blessings to them because if that's what they've resorted to they've got some shit to to work on and deal with and whatever they're trying to do with the public shaming isn't gonna work so because in order for it to work uh the person you go after um needs to needs to believe in it and be ashamed enough of themselves that they'll go along and the first time they kind of did something like this I did and not only will I not go alone anymore but I will rise up and fight for myself and I don't even think I'll have to I have a strong enough community and people who see me and believe in me and know me for who I am and do not public shame me when they have problems. So there's two more there's two more you know it's interesting this public shaming thing it is so old so old I mean centuries millennium millennia more I mean I think it's something that humans have been doing to keep other humans in check for a really really long time um and people have been going to watch them I I can't I mean it's just it's crazy to me that I don't think any of us here are without an ancestor there's two more are without an ancestor that somewhere in our ancestry went and watched a beheading a hanging a stoning a whatever um we are I don't know that any of us go back a few thousand years probably all of us have an ancestor that were beheaded or stoned or hung or you know who knows or shame you know just the scarlet letter I mean just the public shaming it's not new it's one of the oldest and I think insidious and pain filled practices and reactions to life I just had to stop because that is not nothing. I mean how many of our ancestors took part in some way or another in public shaming in somebody that wouldn't behave in the way that they were told to or that the other person wanted them to or God knows. I mean so many reasons I mean it I mean it we can start with just the public shame of behavior but public shaming because of race gender religion all of it I mean and it's just so sad that not just the people it happened to but the people that did it that that was the best they could do that is it just feels pitiful to me feels so pitiful to me there's that lovely piece I just can't wait to find out where it goes I've tried a few times and I just I don't see it yet but anyway so there it is I've got a few more public shaming but I mean if you're doing it stop because you're in the wrong there are there are far better it's not it's not the way we were given so many tools of communication I don't believe we need to resort to that ever and I may be wrong but I certainly think it's the last resort and if you're going to do something like that man it should have it needs to have been a heinous crime against you know humanity not against you know your own little petty ego your own little whatever it's just so it's ridiculous so anyway alright so we'll come back to this I'm sure the puzzle and I'm sure the public shaming it's so funny I was not going this was I was just gonna do the puzzle so this public shaming thing came out of nowhere and surprised me honestly um yeah I'm super curious and it was on the because I just barely listened to it and that piece you know piece fell into place that I hadn't really understood about this situation about this person and it's funny because people like that are very powerful um they can get a lot of people on their side they can do a lot of damage they can you know I don't I don't take it lightly but I also don't take it seriously any damage they attempt to inflict I think will be very quickly um reflected back it's just not gonna go anywhere this time so and it's just a nuisance something I I don't want in my life and hopefully I don't have to do much about it but arrives I guess I'll learn I'm so grateful for the courageous people in life who have behaved well there are plenty of people in life who have not behaved well and they may even been courageous um but I'm super helpful for all the people in life who behaved well um who behaved better better than they needed to you know like they they just behaved well they chose to behave better and because they are inspiring to me they are they're a beacon they're a pathway they're a reminder all those things so grateful and I hope that's what we can be for each other might not be the easy path but I think it's the peaceful path peaceful in inner peace I should say peace with ourselves and I have to say there have been plenty of times where I wanted to publicly shream you know whether it was the rapist um whether you know the times definitely with my ex husband where I wanted to air things and didn't uh you know different people situations there have been times where I very much wished that I could do such a thing so wouldn't say I'm above it I would I would I guess I'm grateful that the opportunity didn't really present itself or if it did I didn't take it I don't know that I really noticed um I'm sure there were I guess you know I guess the opportunities were there I could have said anything at any time but I didn't I didn't and I'm glad I didn't glad I waited because I was given a chance to do that type of thing in different ways ways that were more constructive healthy more aligned with the the severity of the offense so to speak you know I got a chance to sit on the witness stand um in front of the rapist and tell my story and he listened he had to listen he didn't choose to but he had to sit there and listen and I got to say what happened in a court of law and that seems that seems fair to me there certainly have been times where you know what I wanted to air didn't doesn't belong in that space at all. You know it's a much more personal private I could use the word petty I mean it doesn't feel petty but it is a more petty you know sort of incident where it would not be appropriate to do it in a court of law or in nor in a public sphere I think it's easy I think it's easy to take it into the public sphere it's easy to rally the troops around someone else wage war prove then after you've done all that which is which is what happened three years ago with this person um and there's not just one there's probably two or three but um the interesting thing is they're still at war and I've moved on I'm living a life that I treasure very much I care for very much um very thoughtful about every day this is another one that I pick up a lot that I'm really curious about I'm pretty sure it goes up here somewhere but I've just not been able to figure it out oh my god that's funny there it goes which is funny because I've been looking for that piece for a long time that's so fun it's just it's so hard to the thing about maybe it's the thing about life thing about puzzles so hard to see sometimes where that something goes where it goes and then and then it just goes there and you're like I don't why didn't I see that look at that oh that doesn't fit there oh my god that's so funny I hope you can see that how well can you see that I don't know if you can see it very well but look carefully it almost it like practically fits practically I mean it like fits it's a little bit janky and it almost looks like it fits but it doesn't it doesn't isn't that crazy again it's that thing where this just fit and this should fit and it's so freaking close it doesn't doesn't fit doesn't fit that is too bizarre no that's so close so close that is so close to fitting I so close I have to look at it twice and make sure I'm not wrong that's too funny too funny and here I suddenly I thought I suddenly found two at once nope anyway I do think I have some ancestors who uh burned at the stake whipped hung beheaded branded who knows because it's a there's a lot more energy there than the experiences of my lifetime would warrant so makes me sad and I'm sorry sorry happened to anyone and I'm sorry that people are still out there doing such things I don't yeah anyway alright so we'll return we'll see if I make any headway and until then try not to do any public shaming and if you're on the receiving end good luck and try not to take it personally I don't really have advice yet because I just don't know that I understand the situation well just what makes them sad.

SPEAKER_01 51:24

Alrighty take care