#171 Stagecoach Relationships: Tip to Tail, Root to Seed

I’ve been wondering about a story that I might use to bring relationships into living, breathing, and directions and reminders so
  I can be successful. This is something that came to me  the spur of the moment and I thought it would be quite short, but it led me deeper into stories. And how they come alive. And how I come alive. And how they teach me through experiencing.  

in this, I speak of the story called The Toe Bone And The Tooth, or Raggedy Boy. It is found many places, I found it in the book Stealing Benfacios Roses by Martin Prechtel.  I also highly recommend the book Women Who Run with the Wolves, specifically the handleless maiden story at the end.     

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Welcome to the Lucid S podcast, where I explore everything. And today I'm going to tell a story. I want you to imagine you're on an old stagecoach. If you've ever seen those old ones, they were quite high. And you sit quite low down with a large wooden backrest behind you. And then of course the huge, actual sort of coach rising up above that. And don't want you to imagine the stagecoach is packed. Packed. Just stacked inside. Stacked on top. Things are probably hanging out the windows, maybe tied to the sides, definitely tied to the back, and gosh, maybe some of it's even dragging in the dust. Then all of this luggage, all of this cargo, it's not just inanimate. It's not dead. It's quite alive. And has things to say. Has things to say. And because you're sitting there as a driver, you're somewhat forced to hear or listen. But you don't have to follow what they say. You do in fact hold the reins. Although the way you strap this cargo in does matter. You can obviously have it lopsided and the stagecoach isn't going to go well. I'd like you to imagine a team of horses before you. You choose the number. And sliding along each of their backs from the front to the one most near to you. Arrans. And when they get to you, they're four. And this is when you notice sitting next to you is another person. This is a person. Let's say in this first scenario, you've chosen. You've chosen this person to drive and ride the stagecoach with you. Which means a bunch of the stuff loaded on to the stagecoach is theirs. It's not all yours. And you're not actually sure what some of it is. You didn't go through every box or suitcase or bundle. You're not sure exactly what's on there, but you know a good portion of it belongs to them. You hand them two reins, and those reins lead to the horses on their side, and then you have two reins that lead to the horses on your side. So you each have two reins, but they only lead to one side of horses. One of the reins allows you to stop and go, and the other rein allows you to go side to side. And for interest, let's say that on your partner's side there's a big cliff rising into the sky. There's a big ditch before you get to the cliff. So you would fall down into the ditch and slam into a cliff if you went off the road. Then on your side, there's an enormous sheer drop. Thousands of feet. Why not? And you both want to go somewhere. And you've talked about it, and you're pretty sure it's the same place. And it'd be a lot easier to get there together. And you're pretty sure it's the same place where you both want to go. And you're pretty sure that you both want to get there together. And you're pretty sure that you like to go at the same speed in the same kind of way. Like this could work. This could work. And so you talk it over, and then in tandem, with a bit of togetherness, you start the horses. And these are not belligerent horses for the most, you know, they do what you ask them to, and they walk down the road. This cliff path, we'll call it. Make it interesting. And as you go along, well, obviously there's lots of bumps and jars and rocks and ruts and the cargo shifts in the back and you know it starts to get lopsided. Like maybe it leans over to your partner's side and you're like, hey, like, go back there and fix that cargo, will ya? And the horses are doing fine, so they just gently loop their reins, they go, you know, crawl back, do some shifting and shuffling, fix the cargo. Okay, back, it's centered, things are much better. They come back going along, and then, well, buddy, I know now the cargo's you know, dangling out your windows, you know, falling over, like it's ready to fall out, drop off the cliff. Okay, you loop your reins, you go back, you manage the cargo again. Okay, so you've both learned that you know you gotta take turns managing the cargo back there. And it's oftentimes one person or the other, but it's always both. It's never always one. It is always both of you, and hopefully one at a time. So let's pause and consider what if suddenly some bundle bursts open and things are falling out both sides? Well, let's hope that the horses are in a good place. You can both loop, you know, rush back there, deal with the tragedy on both sides at the same time, get it all back together, come back, the horses are still just plodding along, everything's fine. So, in the best circumstance, it's one person at a time, but it's always both people. It's always both people. It's always 100% both people. And the most important part about this is communication. Because it may be that stuff is falling off my side and the person sitting next to me is like, hey, you need to deal with that, and you're like, No. I don't want to, I can't, I don't care. Well, suddenly they're like, Okay. I I can't live with it like this. I can't deal with this, I can't have this. So this is when it's important to say we need to stop. Can we please stop and talk about this? Because I'm not okay. Let's say we do. We we communicate, we stop the horses together, you know, we sit and we talk. And we discuss what can be done. And there may be a time where you clean up another person's mess because they can't or won't or don't. And you can do that the whole relationship. Nothing says you can't. There may come a time where you're no longer willing to. Then the conversation becomes, I cannot ride this stagecoach with you anymore, like it is. And if you're I'm and I'm no longer going to do that. So if you're not able or willing, I'm going to step off now. And what if it's your stagecoach? I mean, you still got you got half your stuff in there. I don't know. I'm not going that way. That is to be dealt with another time. Okay, so everybody's back on the stagecoach, we figured it out, we're walking along again. Let's say something comes and the horses are startled because there are times in life where suddenly everything's out of control and it was nothing that you did. So now you're writing this, both riding this out-of-control stagecoach, and you've got to talk. Um, you've got to keep it riding in the straight direction. You've got to make sure you're reining in at the same time. One of you can't be yanking too hard, or you're gonna crash into the ditch and slam, destroy the stagecoach along the stone wall, or you're gonna take a straight off the cliff, and that's a 2,000-foot ending. So you've got to communicate when it's a runaway, you know, and how do we and when it's a run, the whole idea of a runaway stagecoach was that you can't stop it. And I think people in modern times don't understand that phrase. A runaway stagecoach meant the horses had gone beyond their minds and were raging and racing from just absolute fear and terror. And there was no stopping it. So this isn't about trying to stop it so much as can we is how can we control it? Can we just even keep it on the road? Can we just even keep it on the road? You know, and can we, and sometimes during these times it's like, man, if if you probably aren't able, but man, if something comes flying off, you let it go. You if you're you can't, you don't honestly have a choice. And I think these are times in our life when things are out of control and loss hits us. And there's nothing we can do because we have to deal with we can't, we can barely even deal with the loss in the moment because we have to deal with the crisis. And it takes a lot of communication, like, hey, your side, my side, your side, your da da da da da da da. This is what's going on over here, this is what's going on over here. We gotta, we gotta we gotta get this straight. Come on, see, keep yours, keep mine, da da da da da da da. Okay, we get past that, we finally stop. We finally are able to rest from this crisis that life threw upon us. It was completely unexpected. I think it's super important after those times to not just stop. I find that I have to do like incredible detailed analysis and summary, and this isn't like logical, but these are just the words I can find right now and stock and and touching and feeling and knowing and assessing and being with I would probably have to check each of the horses. God, are you all still okay? What do you need? You know, I would have to check the stagecoach, like this. I'm sure it's a mess. Like, what was lost? Oh my gosh, that favorite thing is gone. And it's it's so far gone, like it's off the cliff, it's gone. There's no, you're never seeing that again. It's not like, oh, I'll just go buy a new one. No. You know, you're up in the desert Rocky Mountains, you know, you can be buying anything. You've got what you've got. The loss is real. There's no fixing it. There's only accepting it. You know, and maybe you're like, hey, we didn't pack this. Well, one that might just need to be totally repacked again and gone through, and you may find that, you know what, there's some things we just gotta get rid of. We can't keep carrying this around. Because if we go through that again, we won't survive it. Now that you know what it's like to go through a crisis with someone, it gets real real fast. Like, yeah, we can't have that. That kind of baggage will kill us. It will destroy the stagecoach, us, the horse, everything. I mean, it will be our demise. Big conversations, hard conversations, honest conversations. Getting through one crisis and then being able to go on doesn't mean anything if you don't make the adjustments to survive it a second time because it's just gonna get worse the second time. The first time is kind of when you show up at your best. And then when it happens again, you're a bit worn down, and if you haven't made the changes needed and gotten rid of the baggage that really is destructive, you won't make it a second, or you might, but you won't make it a third. I mean it will, it will, whatever you're carrying in that cargo and that stagecoach will dictate so much about your relationship. And when I say cargo, I mean your past, sure, and their past. I'm talking about your ancestors. I'm talking about whatever this web of life is. You know, if there's fate or if there's luck or if there's destiny. You know, if things are fated, or or if it's all choice. Well, if it's all choice, then easy. Choose to get rid of it. Choose to get rid of the baggage. I don't think it's all choice. I think who what who knows? Whatever. Not going there, that's not what this is about. Okay, so you survive the crisis, and let's say you do that well, and you decide, you know what, we're gonna leave some things here by the side of the road, because there's probably other people that could use it, and we definitely, it definitely does not serve us. And again, I want to go back to you are on you are on the stagecoach with this one other person. And you and that person need to decide what works. This isn't a societal decision, it isn't, you know, this is like, okay, everybody else may be doing this, but we can't. Or nobody else may be doing this, and we have to. Like we, you know, the two of you need to figure out how to make this work, because it's the two of you. And it's gotta start right there in that little unit. Like what works for us, and it's gotta work for both of you. Otherwise, it will that stagecoach will win the day, sadly. Um, so you figure it out, you make some adjustments, you both feel pretty good about it, you get back on, you head on out. Okay, let's not say that no surprises, no crisis, nothing like that, but suddenly the path gets so winding and so narrow and so steep, both up and down. And you, the two of you have got to work as one. I mean, so tightly together. You can't, nobody can take both the reins. It's not where we're at in this. You both have to keep your own reins, you both gotta be diligent, you have to be, you've got to be on top of yourself, meaning this is what's going on with me. You've got to be able to communicate what's going on with you, you've got to be able to listen to what the other person is saying to you. So you can adjust as much as you can. You've got to be able to, I mean, the communication is intense, it's hard, it might be harsh, but it's gotta be, it's gotta be honest and respectful and as polite as can be, knowing that there's no room for error. You know, this is this is like we have got just we've got to steer these horses. This is not a place where they can just plod along. This is not a place, you know, for any, you know, it's gotta be, we have to be a unit from the tip of the first horse's nose to the tail of that stagecoach. It has got to be one unit to get through this. And I think this is where what you have going on in your stagecoach can make or break. If you have, I told you that stagecoach is alive, the cargo is alive. And let's say that as you've gone along, you've been having conversations with your stagecoach, and you've fostered such a relationship that your cargo gives you great advice. And and you listen to it. Um, your cargo, your cargo also is able to take care of itself for the most part. It doesn't suddenly unbound itself and unwind and come apart and fling around and cause mayhem and chaos. And you know, it's able to stay put at times like this. Yes, it still needs attention at times, but when the when you can't be attentive to it, it'll wait because it knows you will. Because you foster relationships with what uh this cargo that you're carrying through life. And for those of you that don't like this idea, and you're just gonna go enlighten yourself, I wish you luck. Because that path is so long, and you will meet your cargo on the way. So, I'm not saying you shouldn't and that it can't be done, but path might be longer than you think, and you might meet your stagecoach more times than you can imagine. So, those are some of the hardest times because in order for it to work well, you need more than the two of you. You truly do. First of all, you both need to believe in this common goal that you have of getting somewhere. I can't even say you need to believe in each other, because you you you absolutely won't. I mean, there are 100% times where you will not believe in your partner. You're like, you are the biggest idiot I've ever met. I can't believe I chose you. Fine. I'm not saying you need to believe in them, but you better believe in your goal. And you better have some guides or somebody in that stagecoach that's gonna keep you focused and centered through these hard times. The kids can keep you decent and responsible and thoughtful. It's going to keep you on the path that you know you want to be on, regardless of what your partner is doing. Your partner may absolutely lose it and go batshit crazy during one of these times. And you literally have to try to figure out how to just work your side of the horses to get this thing to happen and hope the other side will respond. And then there are times when you are going to go batshit crazy. Maybe not. I can think of one person in my life. It doesn't live in America, not in America, that I don't actually believe would. But pretty much everybody else I know, I've seen them go crazy. And the other person is then left going, oh my gosh, I gotta hold this thing down while you freaking lose your mind. So again, it's not oh, it's not just oh them. It's let's hope that we take turns so we don't both lose it at the same time. Okay, so those really hard moments where hard things need to be done and understood. And this is where I think it becomes clear if we actually have a common goal. And this is where people get confused. I know this because I'm often the one to first notice we don't have a common goal. And then when I try to point it out, they get so defensive and angry and belligerent and rude and mean and critical and just terrible. So negative and just it's awful.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

Bad.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

You know, and then of course, if I stay, then with time it slowly becomes apparent we don't have the same goal. I saw this 600 miles back, and I'm glad you're seeing it now. But I should have gotten off 600 miles back. I don't need to stay, and I don't anymore. But let's say we get through it because we realize we are on the same. We we actually do have the same goal, and we keep going, and we keep going, and we keep doing this. And we keep joining us, but and then 50 years goes by. I just met a couple recently, and they're on like a 56th years of marriage. And you know, I see the way they navigate each other, they navigate their stagecodes, they navigate life, and it's taken a lot of work. And it's something I I finally realized I will never know. I will never be with someone 56 years. And I'm not a not a romantic partner. I've never been with anyone 56 years even as a human being yet. So it's it's a thing that can work and it takes work constant because you don't know when life is gonna throw you a crisis, or when one of you is gonna lose it, or when the stagecoach cargo is gonna go crazy, and suddenly something's gotta be dealt with. So there it is, someone you chose. Now let's say you get along there and you come to one of those places where you realize we're not, we don't want the same thing. You keep trying to drive this thing into the ditch or even off the cliff while I'm trying to keep it centered. You say you want it, but you keep trying to drive it into a ditch or off the cliff. I mean, look at your behaviors. And no, you you may not be able to do any more than you're doing. I'm not saying this is that you're lying or whatever, but you're, you know, the words willing and able. You may be willing to go on this journey with me, but you are not able to go on this journey with me. Or I've met people who are able to go on a journey with me and want to go where I'm going, but they're not willing. They're like, no, yes, I could do that and I want that, not with you, right? Are you able and willing? Are you willing and able? And that's you know, are you willing and able to go on the same journey? But then what do you do when you realize we're not actually on the same journey? Let's say that you're at the fork in the road and one is like, I'm going this way, and you're like, and I am going this way. Like, those are easy, you know, ends here, take your shit and go. Here you go. You know, but what if you're both still stuck on this little narrow mountain pass and you realize I can't, we're not headed in the same direction, and as soon as I can, I'll be going in a different one, or as soon as you can, you'll be going in a different one. And so on this tiny little mountain path, we have to somehow divvy up this wreckage. And honestly, one person is often left sitting there with their shit while the other person trundles off with the horses and the stagecoach and their shit. You can't split the horses, you can't split the stagecoach. You know. But to that person who loves sitting on the mountainside with all their shit, it's no less difficult than what they're about to do. They're still dragging their shit through life, and at least you're sitting on it and staring around yourself and like really taking stock. Like I said, this is that time of assessment, review, analysis, chicken in feeling, knowing, being like, my god, what have I got here? And sometimes you don't have anything. You know, I've been the Phoenix. I've been complete ashes. Physically, mentally, emotionally, yeah. Curled up sleeping in the back seat of my car. So I can't say that the person that got to trumble off with their stagecoach is any better, but I do have to say, having been extremely poor, money doesn't, it may not help, but it also doesn't hurt. That also doesn't hurt. I mean it it at some level it's whatever, but no money is not the way. It's also not super beneficial. I mean, destitute does not suddenly make everything sacred. Okay, so there you are on a stagecoach with someone you chose, and this is what it's like. I mean, you only have half the reins. You only have some control. I was gonna say there may be a time where something happens with the other person and you you do have all the rains and you drive up for a while, but that is unsustainable. One person can't do that, and they will burn out. Um but but sh can that be like that for times? Absolutely. I mean, absolutely everything can be done and everything can exist and everything can coexist at certain times in certain ways, but over the long haul, both people need to be holding their reins, making decisions, communicating, bearing the load, dealing with their cargo. That's the point of this. Is it nothing that you nothing everything can be done and should be done on the journey? But the bulk of it needs to be that. And it can't always be in crisis mode. You can't create crises just to get out of them, to keep the relationship alive. That's another one. So toxic, my god. You also just can't put blinders on as if you're a horse and just stare down straight to their backs as though that's a journey. At least for me. I want to take in the view. I want to participate. I want to see the geography, the landscape. I want to know the horses. I want to know my cargo. I don't want to be afraid to turn around and look and see what's behind me. I don't want to be afraid to open a door or a suitcase, to crawl inside the stagecoach if I need to and say, hold me. You hold me. I've been dragging you up and down these mountainsides. No, you hold me. I need to be held. Ancestors, hold me. Guards, guideons, angels, spirits, hold me. My mom and my dad, hold me.

SPEAKER_00 29:11

When I say that all things are possible on this journey, I truly believe that. I also believe that without the constancy and consistency and firmness and gentleness and dedication and perseverance of caring for yourself, your horses, your reins, your cargo. Without that, you can't get anywhere with anyone.

SPEAKER_02 29:52

So what I've given here is obviously a romantic partner. It could be a friendship or a business partner, but someone you've chosen. So then there are those stage coaches you did not choose. Your mother, your father, your brother, your sister, you know, an aunt, an uncle, a grandparent, you know, whoever is in your life that you're like, I did not choose this. I would not have chosen this. You know, um, and and there's there's nothing you can do. Like the bond of family is just there. Um maybe it's a step, you know, a stepparent, a stepchild, what who the half, whatever. Give it we don't put now those stage coaches are well they're the the best and the worst, I guess. They're the worst because you can behave your absolute worst. Because you know you're fucking tied to each other. And people behave their worst, absolutely. But it's also the best because you're fucking tied to each other. And so if you do ever figure some shit out, you've been through it all together. And when I say you've been through it all together, I mean like our DNA is alive. It's living, breathing. It may change slow, but it's changing. Like I said, you know, our epigenes, our epigenetics. Like we grew, you carry the same living, breathing DNA that they do. You have these same stories woven into your bones and coursing through your blood. You know, your your epigenetics may be different. Um, even the DNA is there, but you know what I mean? Like there's just a story older than either of your lives, and it will last longer than either of your deaths. You know, it's so it's a pretty the magnitude of those uh those stagecoaches is pretty incredible. And then imagine you're on a stagecoach with multiple people. Your parents are driving you and you're sitting in the back as a child with all these other siblings going, my god, they are out of control. Or maybe you sat in the back and you're like, my parents are the epitome of you know God and goddess, king and queen. Like they just they're such great role models and they taught me everything and blah blah blah blah blah. Which I have to say, I had a moment the other day where my mom is so far from being the person I thought she was. Which is interesting because this didn't happen with my dad, but I clocked my mom so wrong that it's literally been comical since she died. Like, I just I'm just like, oh my gosh. So someone was talking the other day and they were talking about their mother, and they said, I didn't really see my mother for who she was when she was alive, and I wish I could tell her now that she's my superhero. And I started balling.

SPEAKER_00 33:29

I was just like, oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 33:32

Until I felt about my mom. Like I thought she was like the biggest idiot and fuck up and just like just uh and not that she wasn't, but she is my she is a superhero. Um I I we just can stop there because I know I've said it before. But so what this is about is mostly just about stage coaches with someone you choose. I just I wanted to point, I wanted to give what I think is a pretty interesting analogy, and I left out all the good parts, all the parts where the trail is just going through this beautiful lush forest, or maybe down by um a trail along, you know, near the ocean. Or I mean there's and the horses are well fed and well-mannered, and you but don't neither of you need to hold the reins, you're just looped over the bar, and you're just leaning back, enjoying each other in life. I mean those moments exist. I don't think we need maybe we need help during those moments as well. Um, but that isn't well that isn't true. Some relationships can fall apart at those moments because people don't know how to perceive such goodness. Which is interesting because it's something I recently asked for. Um as I am changing, I'm realizing that my definition of goodness is changing. And goodness, part of goodness for me is this is a is a kindness, um, an honoring, a scene, present scene. And I I want there to be more of that in my life and in my relationship, which of course I know begins with me, but I'm divulging too far. I want to really try to stay with the stagecoach. Um I'm diverting too far, divulging too deep. Um I just wanted to offer sort of a living, breathing analogy of what it's like to choose someone. What it takes to stay in relationship and to make it work and what it takes. First of all is communication. And maybe right about that is patience. And about that is acceptance. And about that is tolerance. Honesty with yourself. Honesty with the other. Do you truly know where you're going? And I would say, no, I don't. I don't know if I ever will. And I feel like that's how my life has always been and always will be. But I feel like I could say that to someone now. I could say this is where I where I feel like I want to go and this is where I'm feel like I'm headed. But I can't guarantee that's actually where I'm going or that's actually where I'll go because life is constantly changing. And my life hasn't been one of you know, straight lines and stability.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

I would say it's been nothing bad. Malleable.

SPEAKER_02 37:50

Twist and turned. And for a time it was crises after crises after crises. Like they just it was like a flood, they were just unending. Just crises after crises. Someone asked me the day the other day, she was like, How have you been doing? I said, Oh my gosh, like there's really nothing going on in my life right now. And it's so wonderful. Like it's been so long since I wasn't just drowning in crises and crises and crises and crises. I mean it was just, I can't even explain it. This went on for years, decades, like a decade and a half. It was just crisis mode. And to finally be done with that. And I can't imagine. I mean, I didn't, but I can't imagine having to try to navigate that with another person. A little bit with my kids, but as close as they were to it, they were still quite a bit removed. I don't honestly know a living human being that could have gone through that with me. I just think sometimes there are things you have to do alone. Yeah, we're the only ones that can navigate it. It sure is nice though to have people support when they can, how they can, if they can. But I think when when someone's on that deep internal journey, it can be scary to watch, it can be scary to see, it can be, you know, they just I think so many people pull away because they just do not understand and are probably terrified of their own. And I when I have to say, when I kind of see people, I'm like, oh I think they might be, you know, traversing their inner universe. I don't honestly run over and be like, ah, that looks really cool. I just need some help. I'm like, oh, good luck. I figure if if I need to help somebody out, I'll get a, you know, I'll get the ask. And I don't certainly rush in and try to support, because oftentimes there's nothing I can do. I wouldn't say I'm I don't think I'm a great, honestly, I don't think I'm a great support person. I have moments where I can see and do something, but I'm not like the day-to-day rock, so to speak. I'm like the passerby that'll give you some food and water so you don't die. And again, I think it's important for me to be able to, you know, voice that in a relationship with someone and say, hey, like, this is where I shine and this is where you you're not gonna, you know, this is not where I'm gonna do well. I can try it a little harder, but you know, just so you know, it's a natural sort of a low spot for me. I was gonna say deficiency, but it's a low spot. Um and the reason I decided to tell this story this morning is more and more I feel like I'm coming closer to obviously lots of new relationships, but the but relationships that are going to matter and that I will I will want, I'm going to choose, and I will want them to last and to be as good as they can be. You know, whether that's friendships or work partnerships or romance or you know even family. You know, I I've the things like this, these sort of living, breathing analogy, analogies help me because and it really comes from stories. And I would say it was Martin Prectel when I was going to his school, and he would tell stories, and they they were alive in me and they lived in me, and I would lay down at night, and the story would come alive, and I would have these dreams, and in the living story, I would learn and it would show me things and I would experience things, and then I'd wake up in the morning and I felt like a different person. I was like, my god, I was like on this, it's just a dream, but I was on this enormous journey when inside of the story, and I learned and I experienced all these things. It wasn't a learning, it was an experiencing that you know the stories were alive and they allowed me to experience things, and so suddenly the whole world had changed because of this experience. And then you know my friend who gave me Women Who Run with the Wolves, and I started reading those stories, and as they came alive, um, and and I was able to one experience through them certain things about life, but then also When I was in life experiencing things, I realized, oh, I'm in the story. And this is where I am in the story. And then once I understood where I was in the story, I could be like, okay, well, what did she have to learn or do to move forward? You know, how do I finish this story so I don't just sit and cycle around in it? So that book was enormously helpful. But I have to say, I want to give, I want to give due where do is where there is love. Because I the first time I read this story, I was sitting in the backyard of the home where I had raised my children. And to this day, it is, if there is a home on this planet, it is that home. I lived there for I don't know, 12, 13, 14 years, I'm not quite sure. And it's where the bulk of where I raised my kids, the years where I was raising my kids, um, I had my business, I was it was a very fruitful time of life. And in the backyard, I had a garden, and I would grow a garden every summer. And it was always, you know, anything that would go in salsa, tomatoes, tomatillos, onions, peppers, you know, sometimes, you know, a few other things, but that was the the majority of it. Because I love salsa, homemade garden salsa. So I'm in the backyard, and um I had been given a little handful of seeds from Martine Parktown. I was going to the school, and they were corn seeds, and they were the blue and white corn, this old blue and white corn from Mexico that made its way up into what is now New Mexico. And I was told to plant my soul in the ground. So I went home and I was getting ready to plant, and someone who also went to the school and had said, I can't actually remember who said Martin told us to read this story while we did it. Anyway, it was a planting story. So you're supposed to read this story out loud to the earth and to the seeds before and as you plant them. Um and so I did. And I think I took, and it was, it's the story is in the book, Stealing Beneficio's Roses by Martine Prectel. Stealing Beneficio's Roses. I would tell you, I would put it in the show notes, but I always forget, so good luck. Um in there, there is the story of the raggedy boy. And so I sat there and I read the story out loud to my garden in the backyard. I never read a planting story, period. I'd never never read a story to anything that I'd planted. And here I'm holding this handful of blue and white corn seeds. They're actually ivory and sort of like indigo. Ivory and indigo, they're so gorgeous. These corn seeds. And by the time I got to the end, I realized, and I don't know, it may take two hours, maybe it took three hours, I don't remember how long it took, but it was not like a little 20-minute story, you know, it's it's a good bit. By the time I got to the end, I I literally I felt like my soul was in the earth below me. And I had literally planted my soul, and I was thinking, this is the most bizarre thing I've ever done, and I was just weeping, and I didn't even know why. And I planted the corn. And I went out every day, multiple times a day, and I would just stare at the earth, and I was terrified. Nothing would come up. And I remember the first day I saw these tiny little green specks, and I wept.

SPEAKER_00 48:17

And I understood what it meant to plant, to be a seed. Like the courage to be deep in the ground where it's dark, and you don't know what's gonna happen, but you know, you have to break out of this mold. Break out of this shell, and you have to rise up even as you root down, and that once you do that, you will never move. Like plants don't get to walk away when it gets hard. And I think I know that was my first lesson from the plants about what it means to stay. That when it gets hard, when the wind blows, when someone crushes you, when the storms come, you have to stay and you have to do your best. And you might not live. But you don't get to walk away. There's no walking away for a plant. So I tended those plants all summer and they grew beautifully. And these beautiful ears of corn. I mean, it was just like these miracles.

SPEAKER_02 49:25

It's funny to me as I'm saying this because um I then shared corn seeds with some people and invited them to plant. Um I don't I don't think I even told them about the story, or if I did, I don't I don't I don't personally know anyone that's read the story to their corn seeds that I shared it with. Um people did grow corn. And then I've had this ear of corn that I've just like been saving and saving and saving and saving. And then a few weeks ago, um, no, sorry, it was last fall, I was going to this community thing, and all of a sudden I'm walking through the farmer's market nearby and a friend says, hey, someone says, Hey, Shelly. And I look over, I'm like, oh my god, and she's like, we worked, so we worked when we were in college, so like this is like 30 something years ago. When we were in college, we worked at a plant, a nursery, a plant nursery. And we had so much fun. It was just a variety, we had such a great time. And those years spent out there learning all about plants, and at that time plants were just plants to me. They were just this thing you stuck in the ground. There was no there was nothing spiritual about it, although I loved plants and we had a great time. So we chatted and we were like, Yeah, we're gonna get together again to get together again, and we just never did. And then um, bless her heart, she reached out to me again this spring. She's like, hey, you should come see my garden. I'm like, I'd love to. So we finally connected this spring. And I went over and a few times and it was just lovely. And then suddenly I went, I thought one day I was like, wait, I have I have that corn. So I went downstairs and I looked at this last ear of corn and I was like, it's it's like you know, you have to you're supposed to plant it within 10 years, I think. And I was like, I the I mean it's not an exact date, but I was like, it needs to get in the ground. I don't have anywhere to plant it. I have this dear friend who I mean she loves to garden. Like if she doesn't like I garden because I love to eat it. She just loves to garden. I mean, she loves plants, she loves garden, she loves, and I thought, here is this woman with she has a huge garden and she has space. And so I asked her, I said, would you be interested in planting some of this? She's like, I'd love to. I'd love to. I've never planted this kind of um corn that you grind and blah blah blah blah blah. So went up one evening, you know, we roll the kernels off the cob, um, we plant them in the earth, and then she goes out of town. Um, and I get really busy, don't think too much about it, and she goes back in town. Um, and I haven't been able to get up, so it's probably been three weeks. So she sent me a picture, and the corn is so beautiful. And I was like, I was like, I don't even know if it's gonna come up. I thought I don't know, it's been so long. It looks everything looks kind of like shriveled a little bit shriveled and dried, and I was like, I don't know. And I told her, I said, I don't even know if it's gonna grow, like it's been so you know, I just don't know. I mean, I swear to god, every single one of them grew. We planted, I mean, she's this lush, gorgeous, these two long rows of corn. And I feel like I feel like I'm planting my soul again. We didn't read the story, I told her about it. I was like, yeah, you normally read this story, and da da da. And she's just like, that's just so cool. And um, she's not quite like like let's read the story. I don't think she's that kind of person. Um she's a little she's much more pragmatic than I am, um, but which is totally fine. She's an absolute wonder and delight. And then so anyway, so here I am planting corn again. Um. Which is funny, I feel like I planted it last time because I had to go down into the underworld, and I've spent like the last 15 years there. And this time when I planted it, I feel like I planted it so I could rise up into the light. And if you think about it, a plant does both. And I think we need to learn how to do both. And I don't know that people value or there's so much stigma around going into the darkness and being lost and being in pain and being confused and being somewhat crazy and being, you know, all the things that happened down there in the darkness and the depth of the soul. They're they're not accepted. They're not rejoiced, they're not celebrated. Which is sad because I can't, I wouldn't be here today planting seeds in the ground so I could rise up into the light unless I knew, unless I knew how to grow roots down into the darkness. Unless I knew the cargo that's in my stagecoach. Those are my roots. If I don't know how to grow my roots deep in the earth, if I don't know what is in my freaking stagecoach, if I don't know what I'm carrying, if I don't know my roots. And I'm not saying you have to be able to trace your lineage. Some of us, you know, for whatever reason, you might not be able to. You don't have to. You can sit in a quiet room and find your roots. Like they will make themselves known. Trust me. You're they're all yelling at you. If you're not listening, they are yelling. And if they're not yelling, then they don't dare. And then it's time to like get some, you know, what are what were those things called? Um, I don't know if it's a deaf, deaf, deaf or people that were hard of hearing, they would put those big like reverse megaphones in their ears so they could hear. You need to get some of those. Get a stethoscope. Try to find your own heartbeat of your soul. So, you know, there's lots of there's lots of ways, but if you can't send your roots deep, you're never gonna be able to rise up and and maintain. I think we've all seen people rise up and fall apart. But if you want to rise up and stand up. Wow. It's another story altogether. That's so funny because you know, this was not I was just gonna tell this, I was like, oh, this will take like five or ten minutes. I'm just gonna tell this cute little stagecoach story. I hadn't even thought how it was gonna go. I literally started telling it in my head and something said, you know, just say it out loud and just share it. I was like, it's gonna be like a three-minute podcast. Fine, it'll be a three-minute podcast. So I was going to do a three-minute podcast. I have no idea what time it is or how long it's been. But that stage coach story went longer than I thought. And then how the hell I got to corn, I don't even know, but it seemed like such an important thing. Oh, something about the living story. Oh, I'm finding my way back. Raggedy boy. This to the toe bone and the tooth. The toe bone and the tooth. That's the name of the story. Raggedy boy is in the story, but the story is called the toe bone and the tooth. It is an ancient Mayan story, it's a planting story. And it is, I'm sure it's lots of places. Uh, it does not belong to Martin Parkdell. But it is, he shares it in a book he wrote called Stealing Bonifacio's Roses. And if you have ever wanted to plant a seed in the earth, or if you plant seeds in the earth, or if you feel like it is time for you to plant your feet in the earth or your soul in the ground, I suggest you read the story. And if you can get your hands on some ancient seeds, any ancient seeds. I suggest you read into those seeds and put them in the earth. And see what happens. And that right there is, I think, the mystery because when I planted those seeds the first time, I was so ready to rise up into the light, and they drove me down into the darkness for a long time. And I'm not saying this is not like misery, but definitely traversing the depths of the soul. And it's not what I was expecting. The interesting thing about this one is now I'm almost more comfortable there, and so when I planted these, and then she sent me the picture, and I saw these bright green chutes like streaking toward the sky, and I thought, oh my god, I need to live, and I'm terrified and I don't know how. So now I'm like, I'm just gonna stay bundled down here in the darkness. I'm just gonna be a root. I'm gonna want to remember because I'm gonna know what happens there and it's not that not. I'm gonna I'm talking all funny all of a sudden, because I don't know why, but I suddenly thought of Lilianne Morgan, that that comedian. I think she is so funny. And her accent is like, it's almost like it's not real. I swear she, I know she doesn't, but it's like she's making it up because it is so perfect. And I'm I'm so hurt on this little bit the other just less than and I can just I could hear her now saying I'm out there in my heels and I'm trying to plant these and that Mr. So-and-so, whoever she calls her husband by his first name, Mr. So-and-so, comes out and tells me that. I mean, she's just so funny. She she captures so much about wifehood and motherhood and womanhood. It's just so funny. And obviously in this life I have been those things, and so I don't know why. I just suddenly, because this this ivory and indigo corn is nothing to do with with that deep south. It is it is Spanish. It's not Spanish, sorry, it's Mexico, it's Mayan, it's Aztec, it's whatever. I don't know. It comes from the freaking earth somewhere, somewhere in the Americas. Corn is from the Americas. I do know that. Oh, good Lord, I don't know where I've been or how I got here, but here we are. And it all started because I had this idea of when I have relationships again, what is a story I can use to help me navigate through the hard times and to know what to do when I don't know what to do. Um, looking for signposts or listening for messages, or remaining patient and strong and firm, and knowing that this crisis came out of nowhere and it will pass, and we will get through it, and then we will stop and we will take make assessments and you know, review where we are and what we're doing. You know, or this is a pretty crappy time and they're not pulling their load, you know, I can take it right now, or it's a crappy time, they're not pulling their load, and I'm not taking it on again. Or it's a really crappy time, I am not pulling my load. I'm so grateful that they are, and I'm gonna tell them, I'm sorry, I'm not pulling my load right now. Please just hang in there. I'm gonna I'm gonna get back to you as soon as I can. You know, what what is the story I can use when I get lost in my own life, in my own head, in my own relationships to help keep me moving toward the goal. You know, what is the goal of a relationship? That's the first thing I'd ask. What is your common goal? You know, if your common goal is to get married, that's okay, and then I mean that's like that's like one millionth of a percent of the time of the relationship. Okay, you're married. Right, what's your goal? Have kids? Okay, and then you gave birth to a child, but now what? I mean that's like I mean, what's the goal? What is the goal of relationshi of your relationship? You know? What is the goal? And could you explain that to your partner? And do they even agree or want what you want? And if you don't know what you want, how are you gonna get it? And if if they don't want what you want, how how how is that gonna work? I'm not saying it's the end of a relationship, but that's a good conversation to have. Is I really this is my goal in our relationship. And if they're like, yeah, that's not mine. Okay, well, can I s you know, can I still achieve my goal? You know, do what here in this? Like, what what does that mean? I mean real relationships are everything. We have a relationship with everything. Life is literally a relationship and relationships. We have relationship with ourselves, with our body, with our mind, with our soul, with our emotions, we have a relationship with people, we have a relationship with the earth, with the elements, you have a relationship with your home, you have a relationship with your with mirrors. When you look in mirrors, you have a relationship with light. The way you move. What lights do you turn on and off? What are they made of? We have you have a relationship with the sun and the moon. And then your relationship maybe that it's a shitty one and you don't even have one with them. That's a relationship. Right? You have relationships, whatever, however it may be. What is this, what is the overarching thing about this realm? I think it's a realm of relating. Relating, constantly relating to everything. And then not relating is a type of relating. My three minute podcast.