#174 Grace To Us All, When A Life Takes

There are no words when someone takes their life. No understanding. No resolution. Just  questions. And so many of them are pointing inward, at me. Asking me to reevaluate my own mental health, my relationship with my mind and psyche, my perspective on life, worth, and why we matter. And asking if I’m able to say the words, “I am not safe with myself. I need help.”  And the receive the help.  Overcome shame and judgement, fear and despair.  And so much doubt. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

Transcript

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Welcome to the Lucidas Podcast where I explore everything, including things I very much do not want to explore. And that's what I'll be exploring today. Um I recently had a dear friend, uh someone I have made beautiful music with, and just a beautiful man. Um and he took his life. And I want to talk about what I've learned from that in finding out within the last three days. Um it's gonna be random because um loss is both like a haze and a spear. There's moments where you're just speared with the the actual actuality of it, and then there's moments where it's just a haze and you can't make heads or tails or any sense of it. Um to begin with, it's interesting. I know three people in the last, I guess, three, four years, um, who have uh uh taken their life, and all of them are over sixty. And I think that's very interesting. Um I've always thought that you know, mental health issues were for the young, right? You gotta get through your teenage years, maybe some of you know your twenties, you know, things start to settle out, you know, maybe you maybe you have another hard little bit, you know, when something big happens in life, uh, rocks your world. Um but certainly by the time you're 60, you know, you've you've you've got things figured out and um yeah that is that is so not the case. And it's really has woken me up um to sort of the the lies and distortions that are still inside of me concerning this. Um as I've shared before, I've definitely had mental mental health struggles, um, suicidal ideations. Um I can't say how close I've come because I haven't actually um attempted, but it has been terrifying enough to think back at how how close I was to any action. Um and it's it's terrifying because as I was explaining to someone yesterday, they were like, well, someone who I guess doesn't really understand the space, and they were they were they were speaking as though the person is is thinking clearly. And I said no. I said, when when I've been in those spaces, my my perspective is so distorted, it is so convoluted, it is so I mean I just I mean take fun house mirrors, you know, to the extreme. Like that's there's no clear thinking. Uh there's no rationality, you know, like it's because he was when I was talking to my friend, he was saying, um, well, you know, you just gotta call somebody. And I'm like, it's it's I wish it were like that easy. It's almost like one of the things I I don't know that this is true, but one of the things that I think I need to do for my own mental health is put processes in place in case I ever get there again. Like I I need to know how to get out before I get there or I might not get out. And I kind of just assumed that I would never go there again. Like I was, you know, I've kind of been doing okay and and you know, and I was like, well, I don't I I don't know that I'll ever need to, I'll never go back there. And I guess that's what my friend showed me is you never know, you never know. Like you never life is so fragile and it can just turn on a dime and you know, you know, it you just you never know. And and and the mind honestly, as strong as it can be, it also has a fragility. You never know when something in it is gonna break in in such a way that you you're no longer thinking clearly and and processing life clearly. Um so as I and and I thought age also, I was like, oh, I'm getting older and I'm sure that's you know, I'm I'll I'll get more and more steady and da-da-da. And I was like, no, like age isn't always the answer either. You can't just like sort of wait it out. I I'm I'm not saying there's not some truth to that, but for me, I've realized it's it's not it's not just a fail-safe. Like getting older is not just gonna suddenly, you know, protect you from you know, sort of any demons you have in your mind. Um and so it's just been interesting for me to to sit with the loss of him, um, a beautiful man and a beautiful music creator, so talented. And I he had just the last time I saw him, he was at my house and we were rehearsing. Um, and it was so beautiful, was so beautiful. And it was just, it was just very, very soon after um that this happened, and so it was this like juxtaposition where I was like, wait, we were just making beautiful music. How how did we get here? Um, how did I not pick up on of course I can look in hindsight and I'm like, all you know, you can suddenly see all the cues and clues, and I should have and I could have. And I'm not saying I have, I I don't take responsibility, um, but I do take reflection seriously. I realize I'm not responsible for this person's um what they what they did. But I also don't want to just look away, meaning I have, I have and will spend time reflecting on, you know, what cues or clues did I sort of overlook where I was when I was talking to someone recently, I said, we're so Puritan in the way we deal with each other and our emotions. Um this is a very sterile Puritan way. And and I there were a few moments where I I was that, I was very, he was, you know, he he he was having a moment where it could have gone either way. I could have, I I remained, I wasn't bothered by sort of um maybe, you know, the emotional response he was having to the moment. But I also didn't I also didn't move toward him in in any kind of physical or emotional way. Meaning, in hindsight, if something kind of and there were moments in the last couple of weeks where I was just like, that's odd, or that's unusual, or that's a little bit strange. You know, but people are strange. I don't understand people. So I was just like, well, that that's just how they're behaving. Um now I I I hope in the future I will be less Puritan and I will be more authentic. Meaning, oh, I you don't aren't it seems like you're not normally this way. Are you okay? You know, I just I just want to make sure, are you okay? But of course we all feel so I feel so stupid that the person looks at you like, what's wrong with you? Yes, I'm fine. And you're like, oh, okay, so like I'm sorry, I didn't I didn't mean to offend, I just I I wish I wasn't sure. Um and also, you know, on the receiving end of that, if someone asks me, Are you okay, you know, to trust that their intention is good and not to feel shame and judgment because maybe I am struggling, and to be able to say, I said the words for the first time yesterday to someone, and I said them for the second time to another friend today, and I said, I wonder if I was in that space, if I could say the words that may save my life, which is I am not safe with myself. And just even saying the words, there's so much grief. One, like just to admit I'm not safe with myself. Like, that's just a very sad place to be. It would be so nice to think that we're always safe with ourselves. Um, but I would like to admit that that's not always true. Um, there are definitely times where I mentally hurt myself or emotionally hurt myself, um, not necessarily physically, um, but you know, in in my own way I have, you know, whether it's through over exercising or, you know, who knows. It doesn't matter, but there are times when we aren't safe with ourselves. And to say those words is feels enormous. Feels like an enormous like unveiling. Um, I just don't know if there are many words more raw than that. You know, I am not safe with myself. I I wish I had, and I hope I can. I hope I never have to. I hope I never have to say, are you okay? And if someone isn't, I hope they could say, I am not safe with myself right now. And I will say, okay, what what do we need to do? You know, let's that's thank you. And what what let's what do we need to do? And also if if I am in that place and that is what I need to say, um, I want to be able to say, I'm not safe with myself right now. And I hope someone can look at me and say, okay, what do we need to do? Let's figure this out. Um, it's just um it's truly like heart-wrenching to and I don't spend a lot of time there and I'm not going to, but um you know, the the loss and also the I don't know that there's a lot I can say about that because um I I understand what I understand, but um it's just been interesting the last few days to process the fact that age is not going to suddenly save you from uh is age is not necessarily you don't age into mental health, so to speak. I mean there that you can, you can, but it isn't a sure thing. I guess that's the the difference is you absolutely can mature into mental health. That is the goal, I would hope. But it isn't a sure thing. Um and it's it's probably wise um for me. Like I said, I feel like what's come up for me is is really owning that. Like I'm not just just age age alone is not going to mature me into mental health. It's going to take, I'm not even sure, things like this, things like practicing saying, I am not safe with myself, you know, to be able to say those words out loud to to, I've never said them to myself, period, but to say them out loud to someone literally felt like I was breaking a spell. Um and and I was felt so ashamed and scared to say them, even in the conversation. I was saying them in conversation, I wasn't even saying them as true. I am safe with myself right now. Um, but just to even say the possibility of it was was terrifying, but it also felt like it broke the spell, which I think is so important. I say that all the time. Like just being able to speak something aloud for me. I always say it's once I say it aloud, I'm halfway to home. You know, I'm now on second base and I can figure out what this, you know, what needs to be figured out and bring it home in a safe way. So that's the first thing is you can't, you're not just going to age is not suddenly going to bring you into mental health. You know, you're gonna you're gonna have to work on it or it will just it will follow you. Someone someone said to me yesterday when I was talking to them, and they're from Greek descent, and um their father grew up in Greece, and he said, My father had this saying, and he'd always say it to me, and I didn't understand it when I was younger, and he said, I understand it now. And the it's an old Greek saying, I think, or so I've been told. And it it's old age doesn't come alone. Old age doesn't come alone. And the person telling me is getting older, and he's like, It's so true. I mean, old age doesn't come alone. And you know, basically, he's like, basically what my dad was, I'd say, like, what are you talking about? What do you mean? He's like, old age doesn't come alone. I mean, you're gonna have all kinds of aches and pains in your bodies, all kinds of loss of the ability to do things, you know, let the loss of people in your life, um, you know, all kinds of new mental and emotional, you know, struggles like age, you know, age doesn't old age doesn't come alone. And it just it's interesting because I'm going to my friend um who was 105, who passed away recently. Her funeral is on Saturdays, in a few days. And um, as I'm getting ready to go to her funeral, I think so much about what I learned from her. And it was like this resilience in uh to to to keep learning and keep trying, like you just have again and again and again and again, which just reminds me of my meditation. Like every time I sit down, it's a whole new again and again. I mean, every morning and every night comes a lot, and it comes quick when you're sitting down twice a day to meditate, like morning and night seem to suddenly be like side by side. I feel like I'm always meditating. Um, and you've got to start again and again and again. It doesn't matter how good your last meditation was, you have to start again. It doesn't matter how bad your last meditation was, you have to start again. Like you're always starting again, starting again. Um, I feel like it's interesting because part of me is a little bit despondent. It's like, oh, here we are back again with our mental health issues. And and it's interesting because I wasn't really having any, but this triggered this event triggered them for me. There's the grace in that. Um but you know, but so I feel like, oh, here we are again, but I have to remember we're starting again in a new place on an old topic, you know, blah, blah, blah, like start again, start again. So that's the big thing, is old age isn't gonna fix it. Um, just simply getting older is not gonna fix any problems and wash away any demons. The next big thing is um, you know, conveying to people the severity of what's going on is is crucial at these times. Because so there's so many people struggling. So many people struggling. So many people, you know, I I mean it's so many people are struggling. And it's really hard to parse out when the difference. And that's what I realized is you know, I talked to somebody, they're really struggling and and you know, they they get through it, you know, but and then there's someone who's really struggling and they well they he wasn't even I don't know. I mean obviously I didn't I guess the other thing I've realized is you can't you can't just say I'm really struggling. Like you have to be able to speak the truth, the the severity of it. You have to be able to verbally communicate because which is so hard. It's like asking the impossible. It's like I told my friend, you're not thinking well in those places. And so to ask, you know, yourself to to convey the severity of what's happening when you're not even thinking well yourself, again, that's why I feel like it's important to sort of like practice and put things in place so that if I'm ever there, will something remember, you know, the times that I practice saying, I'm not okay and I need help badly. Like I am not safe with myself, I cannot be alone. Like, you know, can I will those words come out of my mouth if I ever need to? Um can we can we have uh a global conversation where people practice saying those words to each other? Just practice. And they may and hopefully they're never said, but thank God when they are, right? Like, can we practice saying to each other? You know, ask as you know, asking someone, like, do you feel like you could say these words to me? You know, maybe I go to a friend and I say, could you say to me, I am not safe with myself, I need help? Like that would be a great place to start where the person could practice just saying it. It you know, they don't even have to have mental health issues, they could just practice saying it, and then and then I could practice saying it back to them. I am I am not safe with myself, I need help. You know, where can we can we practice um being broken, needing help, really being in a severe place, uh, you know, the kind of a tipping point. So that when we get there and we're not thinking straight and we're not okay, we've said the words and we know that there's someone, at least one someone, possibly more, that we can say them to, and maybe some part of us will will have the impetus to break through kind of that whatever is, you know, got whatever grip is on us that we can will break through that grip and and say the words, make the call, you know, do whatever needs to be done. It was interesting because I was talking to someone this morning and I didn't um I don't know them super well, but well enough, and you know, we were talking about this, and and they shared with me that um they have, you know, uh unfortunately uh tried to take their life, and of of course it's you know, the the the regret is huge that they were ever there and the appreciation that they failed is enormous. And when we were and we were just talking about, you know, and he said, he said, you know, it's it's even harder, you know, of the three adults over 60 that I know who have um taken their lives, two were men. And you know, he did say it's he's he feels like, and and I can't disagree with this, um, he feels like it's worse for men. The stigma, the shame is worse for men. You know, and in the past I would have said, no, it's not, like it's it's equally hard for women, and blah, blah, blah, blah. But then I was listening to it over overhearing a conversation nearby in this public place, and a woman was talking about a first date she'd had with someone, and she said, Oh, yeah, and the man teared up, and I was like, pussy, and I was done with the date. And I was just thought, oh my gosh, like it's a real thing. Like, when a man tears up around me, I'm like, oh, the man is feeling his emotions. How nice isn't that great? You know, like, great, like, yeah, of course he feels emotions, I feel emotions, yeah. But in that moment, I was like, oh, this is what this is what they're hit with. I mean, and her, her like condemnation, her disdain, her contempt, I mean, it was just so just it was almost vicious. It's almost vicious the way she talked about this man who had teared up. And I was just like, wow. Oh, you know, so when my friend today was like, you know, it's even harder for men, you know, because that's what we that's what we meet sometimes, and we don't know. So um anyway, so the second thing is just about can we can we practice saying the words? Meaning it's like can we plant this this you know the seeds in our society, in our global society, where it's safe to say those words to someone and and and we understand what it means. Maybe maybe we have no idea what to do, but at least we understand, oh, this is this is this is a clear cry for help. Um it's almost like you know, like calling 911. Like if someone says, I am not safe with myself. I need help. You know, it's like okay, they just called 911. I picked up. I'm the operator. Okay, now I might need to get some help because I don't know what to do. I wouldn't know what to do. But at least, at least they've called and someone answered, sort of thing. And that's that's the first step. That's the that's the first that has to happen. So those other two things, the age and like practicing, saying the words. Um the other thing I've realized is how much people matter. Um I mean this wasn't a person like my daily life revolved around him or whatever, but it it doesn't matter. It I people just matter more than maybe our daily interactions may show. Um it's been a profound shockwave through through an extended community. I mean, suddenly you you realize all the connections people have. And I just if he knew like the the outpouring of of love and devastation and heartbreak and but it then it's so interesting. It's like why why aren't we just showing that every day? Um and it's been and it's been it has been interesting how many people have said in com you know, as we've had these little small conversations, people, you know, they want to immediately say, I haven't said it enough, and I haven't said it recently, but you all mean the world to me. You know, please, you know, know how much I love and care for you, and I'm here. And it's just not just said enough, but I don't know. I just think these mental health issues are going to continue to rise and rise and rise and rise and become literally like the surface um on all our minds because we can't, we aren't we aren't uh there's just too much. I'm trying to think of I guess the words, the real words that come are um like we've had enough. This is enough, we're done. We're gonna do it differently, we're going to fix these puritanical ways of dealing with each other, with emotions, with with men, with women, with children. Oh my gosh, I was watching this thing and somebody had this old book, and it was called The Rod, God, and Your Children's Vaud. And it was basically about the right, how God gave parents the right to use the rod upon their children. I was just horrified. I was and this is a real book, and it was it was not a recent book, I don't I don't remember what year it was published, but 50 years, you know, it wasn't hundred years ago, it was less than a hundred years ago. Anyway, and someone was talking about it, and I was like, I was like, oh my gosh, like you know, and I'm I'm sure there are people you know that still believe in that, but you know, that abuse is ever the answer, hitting each other with like and I I don't consider just because you're an adult and a child did wrong, I think spanking is still hitting. I mean you literally are hitting another object. Um so you can call it spanking if you like, but you're still hitting an object. And that object happens to be a child. You know, my my mother had her willows and my father had his belt, and I didn't use any with my children. And I'm so grateful they have no idea what it's like. And it's interesting to continue to learn. I mean, I'm five plus decades into my journey, and continue to learn how to be safe with myself. And it's interesting because over the last you know two years in this in this home that I've been in, I have built this beautiful safe haven for myself. And there's so I mean, even last night I crawled into bed and I laid down, and I just there was my whole body and mind, just everything just relaxed. And I just I literally said aloud, I'm so blessed, so grateful that I have a home where I am safe and I am loved, and I am like it was just such a beautiful moment, and I think that's one of the reasons this also has been so triggering for me is not just the loss and the confusion of my friend and and you know his action. Um but it's also triggered in me that you know how do I continue to make a safe, how do I continue to make and be a safe space for myself? And it kind of made me realize, well, there is still kind of that part of your psyche that that can attack you, um, that does and has attacked you. Uh and may yet still, I mean, that was a sad thing is I you know I would like to say it's gone and it will never come back, but and that may be true. Um, but in the meantime, I feel called to explore this more deeply, understand it more deeply. And I think the fact that it triggered me personally, uh, not just as the loss, but like triggered me personally is is a is a sign that it's still kind of there, and it could be triggered. Um and it sadly could turn against me. And I'm I've done my best to try to make friends with it, fight it, you know, just do all the things. And I think at this point, I would also I'm also interested in putting in kind of a fail-safe. Um, because I don't I don't know that we know how deep our minds go, right? Nobody knows the depth of the psyche. I mean, if you think about it, you know, a lot of times people talk about their ancestors. I think people forget that our ancestors go back hundreds of thousands of years. I mean, people talk about hundreds of years, they might even talk about thousands of years. Our ancestors go back hundreds of thousands of years. I mean, 50,000 years ago, we had human beings walking around 50,000 years. How deep is the psyche? Right? How like we are carrying this DNA, right? And it it has this living memory. Okay, well, that and our minds are part of are attuned with this living memory, this DNA that is tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of years old. How deep can the psyche go? I don't know. And so part of me has part of this realization with the loss of my friend and the way it happened, is I don't know how what my mind is capable of. I don't know when it might suddenly, you know, do something, and it has done things before. Um, so I know it's capable of. And so I think at some point I'm I think that's where I am now, is I'm like, okay, then what is sort of the most hopeful solution? Like, what is a fail safe you could put into place so that if you don't, if you're not able to really rectify the depths of your psyche and it does turn on you one day, is there also another part? And I know there is, there's a part of us that wants to live, that keeps wanting to try, that believes in, believes in the impossible, you know, believes in miracles, believes in the improbable, like just that believes in trying again and again and again. You know, I want to give that part of my psyche a few tools. Like say these words. I am not safe with myself. I need help. You know, say these words. Um things are really severe. Like I really, you know, I'm not okay. Truly. Like it's, you know, can I say whatever words I need to say to convey to another person that I'm not just struggling, I'm not just having a hard time. You know, I've moved past um being able to help myself, and I I now need, I now need others. And the other thing that really makes me want to cry, but you know, when I started Lucides, um, it was all it all revolved around an app so that no matter where someone was, they could quickly go to it and it would give them, it was just had these beautiful um little quotes, very short, like five, six, maybe, maybe up to eight words. And with the quote, there was a beautiful image, and it was gonna have all kinds of different styles, so you could choose like the kind of topic, um, you could choose the type of art style. Um, it was funny because at the time it was all gonna need to be hand done, like hand-coded, hand-drawn. I had all the quotes, I got a gazillion quotes, that'd be great. I'm sure other people have great quotes as well. But it was so that in that moment, if there was no one else you could turn to, you could you could go there and and choose a topic and an art style and you know, choose these different things because it's not just about the words, right? Like art, like I, you know, when there's a there's a quote, I I did a tribute page for my friend um where people are posting memories and pictures for this gentleman that recently passed. Um and at the top I did a Hans Christian Anderson quote, and it's where words fail, music speaks. Well, that's true also of just like art, like visual art. And so the visual art was also a part of the quote, meaning we're trying to wake up the brain, the parts of the brain that have shut down during those times. And so, you know, now that I'm thinking about it, it would be easy to have, you know, you could choose some background music, a style of background music, as you looked, as you read the quotes and looked at the artistry that you loved. So whether your artistry was like all geometric, um, you use black and white geometry, and that's the kind of art you want, or whether it was nature, or whether it was animals, and maybe even just like all cats, just want all cats, or you know, and I have to say I'm not a big AI proponent. I still believe in hand-drawn art is still way more better, blah, blah, blah. And but it could be done a lot easier today. Um, at least the coding part would be not, you know, anyway. I don't know where I'm going, but the I know where I'm going. I know where I started, I know where I'm going. Okay. I started Lucide Desk to try to help because I know the struggles I've had. And there were times when I was really struggling when I would find a quote and I would write it down, and then I would draw around it, and then I would stick it on my wall. And there was a time I remember when I was in South Carolina. It was during 2020, so that already was I'm I'm in a brand new city, never been there. I know no one, I know absolutely no one, and it's COVID. I mean, everything is on lockdown, and so I'm literally 24-7 in a br in a strange place, like just trying to get through COVID and this in, you know, and just anyway, it was it was hard, hard times. And so it was almost like every other day or daily, I would find a quote and I would draw and then I would stick it on the wall. I literally covered like every wall in this. I was there for about six months, and I literally covered like every wall in this fall apartment was covered with these. And and and I was just like, and I would every day, like I couldn't not look at them and admire my work and read my quotes, and there were so many, it didn't matter where I looked, I had to see these beautiful quotes. Some most of them were mine, they were things I would say to myself. Uh um, where suddenly it would just come, something would come from within me, and I would write it down. I'd be like, oh, that's beautiful. I need to remember that. And and it was when I came back to when I came back home after living there that I started lucid. And I started it based on what I had done to help myself get through that really hard time. And so, and I still have this freaking website, it's been sitting there. I mean, I just pay, I mean, it's just like I s and I so anyway, so this happens, and I'm like, but that's exactly what I'm I've been trying to do is to help people help themselves. I mean, I still believe there's nothing as good as human interaction. Um I also believe that we can do a lot to help ourselves, and I have done that, and I'm just trying to share some of that. So the third part was just kind of exploring, you know what I don't know. Honestly don't know what to say. That's probably all I have for now. Um Sadly, I just, you know, everybody I've talked to has talked either it has or knows someone has has severely struggled with their mental health or has helped a friend who's been struggling with their mental health, friend, friend, father, mother, child, brother, sister, I mean, family. It's just, it's not rare. And I don't want it to become commonplace. Commonplace in in uh fact that it's happening would be nice if it was. Mental health has come a long way as far as you know the shame and the stigma, but it's all still there. And I could get into how the healthcare system completely failed him. And I'll just say it. He did about a week before he went to the ER and said he couldn't sleep, and they gave him some kind of pills. Okay, I totally digress, that has nothing to do with it. I mean, not not what we're talking about here. So um I have to say I have been shocked how not how deeply I've been affected by the grief and the loss of this beautiful person in my life, but how much it's affected my own relationship with mental health, my own perspective of worth, meaning our worth truly has nothing to do with what we do. Literally our worth is just the fact that we exist. Um we you know this we don't need each other because of what we do. It's just the fact that yeah just no even just like knowing someone is there living their life is beautiful. So um it's also really made me realize how much we matter to others even if it's never said or or or or said not enough or or not well conveyed. We're really so precious precious to each other. And the loss of one extends farther than I imagined and deeper than I imagined. And I feel like there's a lot more for me to uh discover on this journey. Um this specific one. I feel like I'm just sort of scratching the surface of what what is what does life mean? What does it mean to live? Which is a funny thing to say because you know, I've asked for a chance to live again. You know, after my all kind of all the disastrous things in my life. I'm asking for a chance to live again, and I've definitely defined living again by being able to do certain things. And this kind of smashed that whole ideal that I had set. Um just the simplicity of literally being alive and breathing is living again. What does connection mean? What does communication mean? What does it mean to play? And laughter has been a big thing for me the last few months. Just not laughing at like because I'm happy or laughing at jokes, but laughing just laughing at all of it. Like just laughing with life. I find myself more and more there are moments where I laugh and it's I'm not even entirely sure what I'm laughing about, but the moment r truly is humorous. Like there's just there's joy in life, but there's also humor in life. There's a I think if you're chuckling right now, you know. Uh joy is beautiful and there's absolutely an a current of joy through everything. But there's also humor. There is a life has a sense of humor. Um I don't always like it, don't always get it, but there are times when it catches me off guard and I have to laugh. Um so laughter. Uh and being able to, being able to laugh at a lot of it because it's there's no making sense. I I will never understand what happened. I'm not even seeking to. I'm actually not even even gonna go down that path. I'm more just grieving and you know, asking to, I'm not even asking what has what has appeared before me. The doorway before me is, you know, really becoming more intimate with my own mental health and understanding the many aspects of being mentally healthy. And it's funny because I don't I don't think many people, including lots of the greatest therapists, like I don't think many people would say this is a part of mental health, but I think it is. I think being able to say, I am not safe with myself, I need help, is one of the most profoundly healthy mental things you could do. I know it's a physical act, but it begins with the mental acuity and and mental process of being able to witness oneself clearly enough to say the words. And that is that is mental wellness, is to be able to say those words to someone because you need to. I'm sure that's not in any book anywhere. I'm sure it says to ask for help, but that's so vague. It's not, it's I mean it's fine, it probably works for a lot of people, but um I think I think those words have probably failed. Uh the same way we practice ever anything. The same way we practice anything in life. I mean, imagine if we practiced asking for help. So that we knew we could. And we knew not that we could ask, and we could also listen to someone, that someone could say it to us, and we wouldn't also have our own freak out, trippy moment, right? Like, oh, someone is asking me for help. I've heard these words before. I know that I can communication, connection.

unknown 47:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 47:23

Well, I disbless us all with a lot of grace for each of us struggling with our own mental health. Um maybe witnessing someone else's mental health struggles. Um maybe both. There's a lot of grace around this, and hopefully in that we can continue to bring it into a place of balance. Where true conversation, communication, and connection can occur around this subject. In this subject. I know for me a big part of it is still lessening the fear. The the fear I have of my own mind. And what I've learned through meditation is that the fear is never true. Um if I can't, if I that's that's not quite right. If I can, when I find those moments where I'm able to literally be with, become the fear, and I'm in a safe space, I'm meditating, and I can just um it has a lesson and then it transforms, and then it's gone, and I realize I don't need to be afraid of the thing that I was afraid of. Um that it somehow has transformed, and it always sort of leaves that golden nugget of understanding or wisdom or insight or something. So that's another thing I'll be I'll be being with is just this fear I have of my own mind or or that that part of my mind. That part of my psyche. Which it's nice because I used to think it was me, and now I am I clearly know it it is a part of my psyche that needs help and attention, uh, but it's not me. And there was a long time where I thought it kind of just was me. It was like this core part of me, and now I just realize it's it's a part and it has seemed so big because it's scary. Um and I'm not saying it isn't something to be very to be wary of and to be thoughtful about and not just go barreling in. Um I'm certainly gonna take my time deepening my relationship with my mind, with that part of myself, and yeah. So grace to us all. Have a beautiful day.