#175 Grace To Us All, When A Life Asks

The loss of my friend has been profound. As well as enlightening.  I’ve realized that I need a safety net. People who can help me if/when I can’t help myself.  So I’m setting it up. Asking for life. Saving my life. Should I need to.  Don’t know when I’ll die, but I don’t want to take away what has been given to me.

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to the Lucidas podcast where I explore everything because I believe everything is connected to everything else. I also believe in the infinite unbounded potential within each of us, and I also believe in the fragility of life, that infinitesimal balance between life and death. And as I went through the rape trial over and over, it was like a death sentence, how it felt like to get through that. And I just would say, you know, to life, please give me another chance to live. Like, let me get through this and give me another chance to live. And I did survive it, and now I am being given another chance to live. And I realized again the fragility, just that infinitesimal line between life and death. You know, the loss of my friend last week, um who, and I want to point out, I didn't point it out in the previous podcast about this, which has a very similar name. Um I don't say that this person took, they chose to take their life. I don't, in that space, I don't choice is an interesting word. Um from my experience with my own mental health, and in those spaces, um, it is not really a choice. It's almost like you've lost the choice, and something has gripped you and taken over and is demanding that you do certain things. So I don't say that they chose to take their life, I say they took their life. Um I I presume not to judge what exactly was going on because I know enough from my own experience to know it's not a there's you can have a lot of judgment in that space because things are not working well. Um it's like a broken car, so to speak. Um so the loss of my friend and the way that it happened, as I said in the previous podcast, really has affected is affected me so profoundly. Like I just I am shocked, honestly, by it. Um just by the depth of the loss and also by what it's brought up in me and really really forced me, um, asked me to look at my own mental health again, realizing that even though even when it's going well, it's sort of like still a tenuous place, um, and you never quite know when something's going to trigger it. And that's what I saw in my friend. Like no one would have guessed, you know, that a few changes in life suddenly sent this person spiraling. And from the outside, you know, there they were big changes, but none of them were like terrible or drastic. But that's from the outside, right? Obviously, the experience on the inside. And so you never know what experience in life might send um a mind tumbling. And so I said on the last podcast, I'm going to I'm going to do something that seemed impossible, which is be people have known I have, you know, I strugg I have mental health struggles. Um I would, I would say, I would, I'm going to change my phrasing. I have mental health um challenges. They're they're more than just struggles. Um, to the point where it scared me, and I realized I don't know how to ask for help in in the way that I would need to. I've never needed to be able to ask for help to that depth, but that doesn't mean I never will. And so, and something in me was like, it would be good for you. And again, I'm not saying that um I'm being asked to do this because I'm going to find myself in that place one day. It's almost as if in the in the surrendering to the to the fact that I might and going through the motions, I may actually be thwarting the whole process from ever from this safety net ever needing to be used. And that's one of the things I've learned in life is that to break the spell that's over you, sort of to crack, you know, the energetic egg that you've been trapped in, you have to, you don't have to, but sometimes the best way to do it is to literally surrender to being in it. And that somehow does it. And that's what I'm doing. I'm surrendering to the fact that I may need to call upon others for help one day to literally save my life. And so I've had that, and it's been strange and hard to call someone and say, uh, can you will you be a person I can call and say, I'm not safe with myself. It's not okay for me to be alone. I need help. And you know, and to set up that that safety net. So I say, gods and goddesses forbid that I ever need to do that. And and blessed be those who who prompted me to set up a safety net for myself if I do, and and to the people that will help me. Um and it's been surprising, the the responses. Um no one said no one has said no, and there are some it's just been a few, so it's not like I have a large data set um to assess, but there is a sense of those who are just gonna be on it. And that's just what they they're just that's just their forte. I mean, it's why I asked certain people. I was like, this person is going to be on it. Like white on rice. I mean, they are gonna be on it, and that's the kind of person I will need in that moment. I think I I think there's one in particular that would be a little bit wishy-washy and couldn't quite get it together. Um but but they they they're like absolutely, absolutely. Um and that's also been an interesting thing. Nobody has been I think I think there's been maybe a an initial surprise, like, oh, I didn't realize. And then I think it quickly settled into, oh yeah, I could I could see that. And yes, I know. And yes, I you can call me. But or it's not even you can, like, please, please. It's such a gift to be alive. And it isn't easy, at least for some. And it's also a gift to have people in our lives that will do this for us. And I want to say, if you had asked me a year ago to do this, I would not. I would not have done it. I could not have done it. I wasn't in a place to do it. Um, I also would have said there is no one. There's no one that I would call and there's no one that would. So it's also been um a big year for me and even it's just really, you know, since the rape trial was cancelled. So I guess it's been about eight months of me, you know, coming out of that place where sort of no there was like no one could go to that place with me, um, wherever I had to go to do to get through that rape trial. It was a very incredibly isolating and and lonely place, and it was the only way I could get through and do what I needed to do. And now that I no longer need to inhabit that, and I kind of come out into a more communal space, it's it's scary, but it's also soothing to be able to reach out and be like, oh, there's there's someone here. I'm not alone. And honestly, I probably wasn't alone in the space when I was going through the rape trial, but I didn't know anyone and I I didn't have the capacity to really connect with anyone. Um I think I've realized more and more you just can't get through this alone. And it's not that I haven't known that, but and it it's not that I haven't tried, or even I still do. And I have to say, there there is one thing that's been interesting to me. It was something I've I think I've kind of worked through. One of the things that makes life so interesting is the the hidden dynamics, the things we can't see. So in this last situation, um, you know, my friend is missing for a week and there's lots of us looking. Um and then the day we get the news, you know, a small group of about eight of us gathered and um just kind of sat together for many hours and talked about it. And then we've kind of just been in touch and um I made a tribute page, put it up there for everyone to post um pictures and stories to. And then yesterday I happened to get a text from a f one person and she said, Oh, you know, hey, there's that thing at so-and-so's house next week, you know, um, where we're you know, we're gonna get have another get together just to be together. And I can't wait to see you there. And so I waited and waited um to get an invitation to this event and I never did. To this little gathering at another friend's house, um, just for those of us who are feeling the loss and going through it. Um and I was so I was just so confused and and hurt and I just thought I don't again and I I feel so left out, which is one of the things that which is one of my things is like I I feel like I try really hard sometimes to be a part of something and then you know, and I was like I have been like an integral part of a lot of this stuff, and then so to not get an invitation to this, you know, this little gathering was so confused. And I just you know, and it kind of triggered all the things again the stories. It's like, see, it doesn't matter how hard you try or what you do, you'll never be included. Like you'll never fit in, you'll never you won't be invited. You like, you know, they they don't want, you know, just well I didn't I didn't feel like they didn't want me there. I just was so confused. I thought I don't understand, like I've been a part of this, um why why um why was I not you know why was just why was I not invited? And I just I just had to I literally had to just have little talks with myself. Um and I didn't I thought about calling someone and I thought I don't want to try to process this with anybody else because I as I would think of people I'd I'd be like I know what they're gonna say, I know what they're gonna say, and I may be wrong. I thought, you know, I just what is it that I need to know? And I didn't I don't feel like they don't want me there that I'm not not wanted. I just it honestly felt like I'm an I'm a newer member of this community and it's an old community there, like twenty years in. And I thought, you know, there have been times, you know, where I've just kind of wanted my my old safe group, you know, the people I've known forever, like been around each other forever, and and I don't know who's been invited, but this is where I finally got. I was like, you know, I I'm I'm assuming that she probably just invited a few people to her house, this other person, and um it's just the closest of the closest. Um because that's what feels safe and comforting and soothing, and I totally get that. And and I could tell and I could absolutely see myself doing that, where I'm like, it's like you know, there have been times where I'm like, it's not that I don't want this person here, it's that I just really want these people here. So it's less of an exclusion and more of a this is what I need sort of thing. And I can say I've absolutely, you know, done things like that. So it I I do have to say it isn't there are times where I do try to like make myself sort of ingratiate myself into a community, and it doesn't always work the way I want. It doesn't, it doesn't always happen, and so I I guess what I'm it's I'm saying this in defense of myself. Like sometimes I I really do put myself out there and try, and I'm still not, you know, sort of invited into the inner circle or included, and so it it isn't it isn't all my responsibility either. Um you know, people are gonna choose to invite or not invite as they wish, and so finding a community, being a part of something, like truly being a part of something, being included, being wanted, being, you know, uh just you know it's not easy. I just want to point that out, like it's not easy. And I've tried many times. Um a lot of times things just seem to fizzle. Um but you know, finding and and I have told myself in in a way I mean I still hope to find that, and if I never do, I'm grateful that I at least have a more healthy understanding that relationships are tricky, uh, and the more people involved, meaning a community, it gets even trickier. And and I'm a and I and I also you know really respect I'm a person that isn't going is uh unwilling, unable, um to not show up as me. I've fought too hard to find my voice, to have a say, to to matter, um, to not do that. And so I know that that may also ostracize me um from certain spaces or omit me, you know. Um and I and I've realized more and more I am a bit of a force, especially since the rape trial, um, to be reckoned with, and you know, it doesn't take long before I can feel myself before someone is r I can tell I'm rubbing them wrong. And and nothing's even really happened, but they're kind of like, Who are you? Like, well, I'm me, and I'm sitting here in this room, and so there you go. It was like, so what happened at the small gathering was um someone who hasn't been a part of the group for the last few years since I've arrived, they came and they were they're like, Well, who are you? And I'm like, Well, I've been here for the last few years, I don't know who you are, you know. So it was almost like, well, you you I don't know you, and I'm thinking, Well, I don't know you, but that doesn't mean I don't belong here. I don't I didn't not questioning, you know, why I'm not saying you don't belong here. I'm just saying that I do and I'm here. And so, you know, there's what I'm saying is it's not easy. It's not easy to create a community, it's not easy to be part of one, it's not easy to to step into one that already exists when there's so much history. And and being single is a thing. I I to gotta point that out again. If you're partnered, you you you and you have been for a long time, maybe forever, you have no idea. I'm sorry, but it's like someone without kids saying they understand what it's like to have children. You have no idea. Being single is a thing, and you're naturally omitted from so many things. Because couples do couple things, and there are a lot of couples in this world. So there's plenty there's also plenty of things that single people could do. Um, but it does exclude you from a lot of things when you're single. I guess what I'm just I'm I'm talking in defense of myself. I get it, but I think it's valid, and I'm not the only one. And the defense is that it's really hard these days to to find and fit in and and become a part of, truly become a part of some kind of group or community. And I felt like I had done that, and and there's like hasn't been any issues, and so I was surprised, I was hurt, a little bit shocked, and and then just so sad when I wasn't invited. And the thing that made me sad was I thought there was there was nothing more I could have done. There's and so and and you know, then it was like, well, then it's not the place for you, and da da da. And I was like, I don't want to I don't want to, you know, that that didn't that didn't make me feel any better. And so I thought it's enough for me to be s I'm sad, um, and I'm confused. I don't know why it happened, and I'm I'm not gonna ask. I may never know, that's fine. Um, but I did spend time wanting to understand it better, which I feel like I did, which which I already explained. You know, there's times when you kind of just want the old, safe people you've always known because that's what's most comforting and safe and soothing. So this is you know, I titled the life, the last one, you know, it ends with when a life takes, and I'm gonna end this one when a life asks, because this is my life, and I'm asking. I asked to be able to live again, and I'm slowly learning that, and I've seen a lot of progress in in this year of really reaching out and extending my extending my roots and my branches and my leaves and you know, daring to even blossom in a few ways and um to be seen, honestly, in ways I've never dared before. And this is this is me, this is my life asking. I'm asking to live. I'm asking for people to help me, like specifically asking people to help me if I should ever find myself in a place where I can't help myself and I'm not safe with myself. That's still just a heartbreaking thing to consider. But it's a truth that I'm willing to face because I want I want to live. So I asked to live, and I've been given a chance and I want to make the most of it, but I don't have any idea how long this. It is, but I'm grateful. So this podcast is specific for anyone out there who knows that they don't have mental health struggles, they have mental health challenges to the point where they know that they never have, or maybe they have, but they know they might need to ask, say those words one day. And I would ask you to consider people in your life. There it's interesting. I did not ask the people closest to me. Um, I asked people who are a little bit farther, you know, in my network, but who I know are who do deeply care. I do know that they deeply care, but they also have the type of personality where if I called and said that, they're on top of it. They're on top of it. And they would be able, they'll be able to do what you know what is needed. Um I I would encourage and you I would encourage you, if you're listening, and you know this is something that that a safety net would be a really good idea for you. You're a trapeze artist and you might not catch the bar one day. So is there something that can catch you? And maybe, you know, this isn't this isn't what you need, but what is your safety net? You know, I I never my ideas are always just to germinate your ideas. So what what would your safety net look like? What would you need? And what do you need to do to set it, put it in place, and who can you ask? And and it's gonna be probably whatever you need to set that up, it's probably gonna be scary and it's hard, and don't let shame stop you, don't let fear stop you. The fear of feeling stupid or ashamed or looking dumb or or being seen, or even just admitting this is a bigger problem than I've ever really I've wanted to admit or I've wanted to say aloud or share. Um The other thing I would suggest is this is because this is what I've been doing. It's morning. And as the sun has been rising, um coming through the windows, it's hitting different objects and casting their shadows on the wall, and it has been fascinating to watch the shadows morph into shapes that you really wouldn't guess based on the objects as the sun has moved. And it's just it's been truly just kind of marvelous it's just a reminder of perspective based on your perspective what the world is, what it can be what we are, what we can be. Just feel like sending so much love and appreciation, so much courage out there to face each day, to face each moment, to move forward into the unknown. No guarantees, you get a chance at life for as long as you get no guarantees. So, in this very fragile but somehow eternally vivacious space, I wish you the most beautiful day. Bye bye.